I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

[awfulmumshithead]

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

if you were near me not only would I ring I'd bloody well take you there too!

(you're not are you? cos I mean it)

awfulmumshithead although I do agree with the other posters re: going to see the GP, I think you need to look at how much real-life support you have. Is your DH supportive? Does he pull his weight? Do you have family nearby who help or can help in the future. Lack of support is a huge contributor to PND and if you feel you are coping all by yourself or are isolated then this needs to be addressed too.

OP stop feeling guilty - that will only compound your sense of failure and make you even more unlikely to get help or even make yourself a cup of tea because "what's the point".

You are ill and you need help and support.

I could have written your post twice in the past, after the birth of each of my DCs. The last time it happened to me, I went from happily enjoying DS2 to fantasizing about hanging myself. I fantasized about hurting the DC too. I have shouted, screamed, walked out, laid on the floor for hours staring at nothing. I finally told my HV who sat very calmly listening and the first thing she did was reassure me that nobody was taking my children away. As painful as it was to admit all those awful feelings, I honestly believed it saved my life. I know, without a doubt, that I would never have hurt DCs but could not say the same about hurting myself.

It happens to so many of us. You are not going insane.

I understand not wanting to feel numb and the issue with needing sleeping tablets to counteract the "lift" that ADs give you. However, there are many types of ADs and it just needs some work alongside of your doctor to find which suits you best.

Keep talking to us here in the meantime.

Hi op,

Firstly have a you sound like you need one

I suffered with pnd years back, my dp recognised the signs and convinced me to make the call to the doc, which i did, and was the best thing i could have done, i more or less felt the same as you, i barely left the house. I was put on ad's, which at first made me feel worse until they changed them, they also sent a lady round to talk to me and get me to open up and urge me to go back out again.

It took a while but got back to where i was, i am really grateful to my doctors for the help.

Please take the first step and make the appt you can do this, i know you can, i know you've had a hard time, and they can try different medication to find one that agrees with you.

You really need to do this, for yourself and family, so you can get back to that happy place, i know it seems so far away, but you will get there with the proper help, please i beg you to get the help you need and deserve x

i was nowhere near as bad as you feel but was the same in that i wouldn't phone anyone, i wouldn't take medication, i wouldn't talk to anyone, i thought i could deal with it myself. eventually after spending a day screaming (and worse) at my kids then hiding next door and crying i phoned the health visitor. she was lovely, she phoned the gp for me and made me an appointment to fit in with my kids routine. she told me what i was going through was normal in my circumstances. i am not fixed but i am a much better person for making that first phonecall. what other option do you have?

if you had a 'physical' problem like a broken arm you wouldn't stay at home and expect it to fix itself would you?

Need? Meds stoopid phone.

Thanks queen, you're right. I know you're right.

I wouldn't kill myself, ever. My mum killed herself when I was a teenager. Ha I was just bound to end up in this mess wasn't I? That's ANOTHER thing. I feel like I need to be the parent my mum never was AND be the parent my last baby didn't have. AND someone very mean told me when I was pregnant that they just knew I would end up with PND and I was determined that I wouldn't and that I would be the best mum ever and show everyone.

So yeah, I don't have any real support because I only have people I can see for a short time while I put on my convincing act of everything being rosy.

AND another bloody thing, the last time I went to the doctors about something, they didn't believe me. I saw four of them and none of them would believe me. So I feel like I've got a reputation as her of the dramatic elbow.

Well done for posting on here, amsh, you've taken such an important first step.
It will get easier from here on, just let DH help a little with contacting HV or doctor.

I'm so sorry that you have lost a baby
That will have contributed immensely to how you are feeling now. Talking about everything in counseling with a sympathetic listener will help you so much. Everyone will be so much more understanding than you expect because you are not being able to be very kind to yourself at the moment.

Try, just for a moment, to be your own best friend and seek some support from others, including DH and your doctor. They are there to help you.
BTW - I didn't think you had to tell the receptionist anything about why you want an appointment. I don't think I ever do.
Good luck, juggling xx

Along with alot of other posters I've been there too, and PND was more severe than any of the other bouts of depression I have suffered from previously. It was debilitating and frightening and I hated myself. But I totally understand why you don't want to see the doctor: it gets easier, believe me - the first trip is the hardest!

If you can't see the doctor please call the health visitor and get them to come and see you at home at least. They certainly won't judge you and may give you the support you need to make that appointment with the doctor. They are there for you until your child starts school so use them: they will have seen it many times before and they can help. You are stronger than you think and you CAN ask for help.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I can't offer any practical help as I've not been lucky enough to have children so far, but I agree with the others that you need to seek help.

Whereabouts are you in the UK? I'm sure there will be a MNer in the vacinity who can, at the very least, make the appointment for you and offer some handholding.

Bloody hell, OP. You lost your Mum when you were a teenager too.

You are already talking about all the stuff you need time and support to explore, and seeing the links in how you are feeling with your new baby.

You just need some support in all this.

(X-posted as usual)

OP please get help, this is not your fault....I am sure most of the mums on here, myself included have suffered with varying degrees of PND.

You are not a failure, you have a chemical imbalance that is making you feel shitty.

PM me your details and I will phone your doctors if you want!!

Trust your husband, I am sure he only wants to do everything he can to help, let him help you by taking you to the doctors.

You will get through this, you have made the first big step by realising that this is not how you are, you need to get her back.......phone the doctors lovely.

Can you speak to your HV maybe? I did because I felt that i would be wasting the doctors time.....my HV made all the necessary arrangements for me. Have a hug x

Thanks again everyone.

For any of you who have taken AD's, which ones do you take?

The last time I took citalopram and it made me feel like I didn't exist. I felt like I was the day after a dose of bad speed but more numb. It gave me restless arms and legs. I was awake all night. It gave me rattling teeth and I couldn't stop yawning. I took it for six weeks because I was a hysterical mess and I couldn't wait to stop taking it.

I'm thinking about calling. Now I feel calmer. But I still don't know if I can convince myself.

OP

I have had 2 bouts of clinical depression (not PND)

Your post rings true with me - for the second one I took to slapping myself hysterically in the face

PLEASE call your GP - this is no more shameful than a dose of cystitis

I took Prozac. It helped.

It passed, the sun came up, the lights went on, life was bearable, the future had promise.

GOOD LUCK.

Don't worry you've already taken the hardest first step in posting, the second step to ask DH to call the doctors and make you an appointment will be a little easier. You are well on the way to getting the support you need. Well done !

amsh - you are so brave making this first step.

Don't be so hard on your self. You had a major trauma earlier in your life, you are isolated and without support. There are reasons for you feeling like this and it isn't unreasonable - remember that.

Pick up the phone whilst you feel this way and do it, come on you can, it will be the next step, it'll take 2 mins, do it now, you have all of our supporthe phone whilst you feel this way and do it, come on you can, it will be the next step, it'll take 2 mins, do it now, you have all of our support

OP You're already doing better than most because you've admitted you need help. No doctor is going to see the state you're in and say its not real.

Depression is not a sign of weakness its a sign of having been strong for too long. The hardest thing you'll ever do is make that appointment but you have to make it and you have to keep going back til you're on the right medication and the right strength of it. Ask for a refferal for counselling it sounds like you could really do with someone to listen to you and not judge you.

Counselling might not sound that amazing but just telling someone who you know is listening and not judging you exactly whats going on is amazing, you begin to realize where certain problems started and that its not your fault that you are depressed.

Its nothing to be ashamed of, asking for help is something to be proud of you should be proud you've even posted here. It shows you want things to change and sooner rather than later.

Are you in London? I'll not only make your appointment but come with you.

Print out this thread and show your husband. GET some help. I was always a coper and put a brave face on but ended up with anxiety for not dealing with my issues of premature twins etc.

Writing this thread is your first step in positive action.

I'm currently taking 40mg of Citraloplam and it works for me, I take it at night or else I can't sleep. I still have my breakdowns when nothings right with the world but I'm not crying everyday for no reason and I can share a smile with my DD and that means so much to me.

This is not your fault.

Your family will not be better off without you. They need and love only you and they need you to be well.

You can still take control.

Your DH needs to see this and call and make the appointment for you and come with you, if you can't. It doesn't have to be a GP, it could be any health professional that works out of your surgery - they can act as a go between for you if need be. You have had a bad experience at the GP's before, clearly, but that was different and past and they will help or act as a conduit to someone who can help now.

What you say reads like one of the questionnaires I fill out every week when I go to my CBT appointments.

Thinking of you.

I know how you are feeling, I have been there. Please accept the offers of support from others on here.

Whatever you feel about medication you need to TALK to someone and offload things.

Is the sun shining where you are? Can you get DH to look after your baby for half an hour and get out for a walk. I know it sounds corny but it really does help to clear your head and help you see things differently. When you have done that look on here again and read all the messages of support and see that you are not alone, you are not a failure, many others have fallen down the same hole and have got out of it.

You have taken the first step by posting here. Now go and take the next step and get the help you need.

And I agree wholeheartedly with you Queen, about depression coming as a result of being strong for so long.

OP, you are a survivor, with the scars to show it - not a victim.

Another vote here for the oddly magical pwoers of a walk. It sounds INSANE and patronising and silly but God, the difference 20 minutes of sunshine can make, if you can just bear to cross the threshold.

OP I hope this is the day everything changes for the better.