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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

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Original poster

I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

609 replies

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:29

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

OP posts:

AKMD · 27/09/2011 15:57

Can you just leave this thread open on your computer and tell your DH to look?

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 15:57

Babies aren't taken away because mums have PND and seek help from their GP.

TherapeuticVino · 27/09/2011 15:57

Re talking to your husband about it - why not bring up what your MIL said and how confused you're feeling about it. It might be a good way to start the conversation you need to have...

Original poster

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 15:59

Theraputic vino- yes yes those are my personalities. I want him to call them for me and take me there but he doesn't do it

OP posts:

nenevomito · 27/09/2011 15:59

Your DH isn't daft and will know there is a problem.

Write a note and leave it out saying "Please make an appointment for me and take me to the doctors." He can also go and pick up the tablets for you.

{hugs}

Please stop beating yourself up for not being how you think you ought to be. No one can help being poorly. That includes you.

TherapeuticVino · 27/09/2011 16:00

Oh you poor love - you're in such a difficult place. Just because you lost a baby doesn't mean that having another one will be like a "running through the meadows" sequence in the movies. Pregnancy and birth are complicated (as you obviously know) - this is just a blip. GET HELP and enjoy your baby xx

NamingFlora · 27/09/2011 16:02

You have actually taken the first step by putting this thread on here. You have admitted you have a problem, admittedly to anonymous strangers. Now you need to take the next step and admit it in RL. Find someone - not necessarily your husband, but ANYONE you think you can actually say it to. They will help you move on from there.

Please do it.

Catsdontcare · 27/09/2011 16:03

Print this off an take it to the DR's. If you don't then at best your situation will stay the same and at worst, well that doesn't bare thinking about.

Took me a while to convince myself to go to the GP for help. In the end I didn't do it for me I did it for my sons who deserved better.

I am sympathetic to your horrible horrible situation, it's a shit way to feel, but sympathetic words on a computer screen won't help you here.

Go to the DR's. If not for your own sake then for your baby's

TherapeuticVino · 27/09/2011 16:03

and also they will NOT take your baby away. At my lowest I was terrified of dropping my baby down the stairs....I literally couldn't go upstairs with her as I didn't trust myself to keep her safe. When I "confessed" this to my midwife she said loads of her new mums are scared they will THROW their baby down the stairs, and carried on drinking her tea.......

mamaGool · 27/09/2011 16:06

If your children could ask you to go to the doc/HV, would you do it for them?

Agree with everyone else here. This is ABSOLUTELY NOT your fault.

Are you able to get out & have a little walk each day? The sunlight, exercise & fresh air will help a little.

I am sure your husband would surprise you by being very supportive if you confided in him. You don't need to face this illness alone.

Original poster

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 16:06

He knows how i'm feeling. He knows I need to go to the doctor and he knows I won't call them.

The other thing is, I took AD's before. When my last baby died. And they just made me feel like a zombie.

Tomorrow morning I will get a new burst of energy and try to fix everything and I'll say to myself I don't want to be a zombie do I? No, I don't. And I don't want to talk to the mean receptionist at the doctors. And I don't want to have to put on loads of make up and nice clothes to go to the doctors and say ha ha ha I've been feeling a little down in the dumps can I have some tablets, oh nothing serious- I'm taking care of my baby just fine doctor I just feel a little bit sad but only a tiny bit. And then they think I'm nice in the chemist and they always chat to me and what will they think when I come in with that prescription. And I can't sleep on AD's so I'll need sleeping tablets too and my husband will be up all night with the baby in case I drop him. So I just convince myself that I can get better on my own and I just need to try harder.

Thanks everyone. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. You're all so kind

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 16:10

There are lots of different AD's and you can ask the GP to prescribe you a different one than you had before. I had to try 2 before I found one that suited me.

IF he prescribes any at all - he may think counselling would be more suitable.

Do you want to get better?

VFVF · 27/09/2011 16:12

OP have pm you

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 27/09/2011 16:12

I went for months with PND feeling exactly how you describe, DH knew I was ill and was so relieved when I finally went to GP, he had suggested it but like you I was NO WAY can I do that. It was the hardest thing I have EVER done, sat there and cried and the GP was sooo nice just having gone made me feel better. It really is your only option, you also need to see a counsellor as it sounds as if grief is part of the depression that has never been resolved. you NEED to go or things will get worse, your family need you, they know you are not right at the moment and to keep your life together and not harm yourself or Dc you need to sort it out. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, try telling someone else first your DH loves you he is your friend, tell him he knows already but needs to know you acknowledge its not right, ask him to help ask him to go to GP with you. you are not alone GP has seen it all before. its nothing to be ashamed of. please please go and restart your life the way its meant to be. we are all behind you and will offer any support we can.

DumSpiroSpero · 27/09/2011 16:13

Please get yourself some help, somehow. I've been where you are - it's hideous, but it can and will get better if you allow people to help yourself.

You are not a failure, you have been through a hell of a time - losing your first baby, then coping with the physical and emotional upheaval of a second pregnancy and motherhood. It's also quite possible that there are physical reasons behind your illness too - in my case my thyroid gland bottomed out almost completely after giving birth.

I dragged on, scared and struggling until my DD was nearly 4 months old, when the HV realised what was going on (I never saw a midwife after coming out of hospital ). The doctor put me on AD's which luckily kicked in within days, and increased my dose of thyroxine. It took 2-3 months for me to feel completely well, and 7 years later I am off the AD's and have a great relationship with my gorgeous girl.

Please try to find a way to get some help and support for all of your sakes - you are clearly a great mum (you wouldn't care enough to post here for help otherwise ) that just needs a bit of extra tlc at the moment, and I will be thinking of you and hoping you find a way to get it asap.

Original poster

awfulmumshithead · 27/09/2011 16:13

I know, I know I know I should do it for my husband and baby but I feel paralyzed with guilt, rather than it giving me momentum. The worse I feel, the worse things get, the less I feel I can get outside help

OP posts:

iFailedTheTuringTest · 27/09/2011 16:13

Yep, been there too.
And agree, its just chemicals in your brain, no ones fault, no one failed.

Just a chemical imbalance that won't get better on its own.

I am on the need, and agree they changed my life, free ticket to normal land is Exactly how I'd put it.

And fwiw my pnd almost never manifested as what I imagined depression to be (feeling down ) but it mainly consisted of having NO sense of proportion - things like accusing people of hiding random things like toys...

QueenofJacksDreams · 27/09/2011 16:15

I'll be honest.

You're a fucking idiot and you're failing your baby right now. It might seem harsh but its not go to the doctor and get some counselling if nothing else. I spent years like you are now I still am but my medication helps a lot I didn't bond with my baby because of it and I look back now and I hate myself for not seeking help. I missed out on all those special baby moments because of my depression.

When DD first walked I wasn't there.
When she woke in the night I wasn't there.
When she first spoke I wasn't there.

In a few years time you don't fucking want to be me, looking back with all these regrets knowing you failed your baby and there is no way to fix it now.

Your family is not better off without you, they could however enjoy you a lot more if you were happy and you did something about your PND because you're the only who can do something about it.

Don't let them down don't be an idiot and don't for gods sake take your Babys only Mum anyway from him because you will always number one in his life. I grew up without my Mum and it fucking sucks. Who is your DS going to turn to on his wedding day if you're not there? Who's he going to have when he breaks up with his first girlfriend if you're not there?

You're lucky you can fix this so stop being so damn stupid and do something about it now while you can.

QueenofJacksDreams · 27/09/2011 16:16

Give me your doctors phone number I'll bloody well make you an appointment if you don't want to talk to the receptionist. If you can't talk to the doctor then write it down, just fix it while you can please.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 27/09/2011 16:16

Ps you need to be honest with GP say you are not coping, they will not even think of SS or taking baby away. also tell GP last pills were not right and try another sort. the ones I had made me drowsy so took then at bedtime and slept well. if they make you like a zombie they are the wrong ones for you, keep trying until you find one that works for you. you can get better without them but not without some support from someone be that HV, GP or counsellor. DO IT PLEASE, sorry fell strongly about this cos of what I went through and wished I had dealt with mine earlier, would have avoided lots of suffering all round.

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 16:17

Queen speaks a lot of sense.

TherapeuticVino · 27/09/2011 16:19

You really weren't on the right anti-d before. You can tell the doctor that and they will try you on something more suitable.

And as for the chemist - is there another one you can go to where you're anonymous? Honestly though, they won't think anything at all - they fill prescriptions all day long. I remember a nurse telling me she'd been "up to her elbows in smear tests" one day. That's all it is - one more customer.

Be honest with the doctor. He'll get you well again. Wouldn't it be nice to just feel "normal" for a week with no outbursts. I remember the first time I realised that I'd just felt like "me" for a whole week - no anger, no tears, no anxiety. Imagine how that would feel and keep it in your head and call the doctor.

Becaroooo · 27/09/2011 16:20

Pick up the phone.

Ask the receptionist for an urgent appt....you dont need to give your life story. Just say "its a mental health issue" (which it is).

You dont have to take your prescription to your local chemist if you dont want to...get your dh to get it from the nearest town pharmacy.

Not all ADs make you feel like a zombie!

Stop making excuses and do something to help yourself and your son.

hippoCritt · 27/09/2011 16:21

I am sue anyone here would call your GP for you, I would I know how hard it can be

TherapeuticVino · 27/09/2011 16:22

You could see someone this evening if you tell them it's urgent. Imagine waking up tomorrow morning knowing that the hardest bit was out of the way and you were on the way to being better........

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