I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

[awfulmumshithead]

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

I had missed you had also lost a baby. No wonder you are feeling like this OP. Your feelings are valid are completely understandable.

Where are you OP? Is there one of us near you...we could offer more practical help and a bit of support. Please dont feel alone in all of this, even if it is just to reach out on here.

Please make that call, its going to be a tough road but there are happy times for you.

Sweetheart it's going to be ok. I wrote a thread very similar to this months ago under another name. MNers literally held my hand whilst I called my HV, went to the doctors and got my AD's in realtime. if you want to see it, PM me and I'll give you the name. I was saying disgusting, horrible things about how I wanted nothing more than to give my son away, because I could't bear it any longer. I wanted to suffocate him. I wanted to slit my wrists in the bath.

I choke myself now, thinking about the sheer desparation. I never knew that the places depression can take you to in your own head is so much worse than anything an enemy can inflict on you. IT IS HIDEOUS.

I was on Citiloram (sp?) 40mg, and I was also given sleeping tablets because I couldn't sleep for more than 3 hours even though my perfect boy slept through at a very early age. There are a wide range of others though; it's just like the pill. There's one to suit everyone lovey, you just tell the doctor about your experience with it last time and he will put you on something different.

They told me the pills took 10 days to kick in. Well, I noticed a massive change in 2. My DH was given compassionate leave for 3 weeks, I think it was. In that time, we did everything together. Hour by hour, day by day. He got me to put DS in a nursery for 2 days a week so Monday mornings didn't feel like a death sentence.

I swear to you OP. I SWEAR that if you get some tablets, you will be better again. This weight will be lifted from you. Because that's what it feels like, isn't it?

Call your DH. Tell him to come home because you are unwell. When he gets home, calmly hand him a printout of this thread, tell him you love him and go out the door. Go to your GP's surgery. They will not let you go home empty handed. They have an emergency doctor for this. If you're embarrassed, ask them to write the script to another chemist; I got mine written out for Tescos. No one knew me; it was totally anonymous. Whilst you're there, pick up a nice, hearty meal you can throw in the oven. Because tonight, you are going to have a celebration meal for this new beginning.

If you are in Cornwall, I'll cut work to come and help you xx

I called them. The receptionist is getting the on call doctor to call me back. No doubt I sounded like I was suicidal on the phone. Now I'm really scared that social services will be round next and the police.

My husband came home and he won't speak to me.

Thanks everyone. I would never have called if it weren't for you. It was all the messages saying what I was saying was familiar and not the ravings of a lunatic. I would have every sympathy for someone else saying these things but when I say it it makes me feel really angry with myself.

why wont he speak to you lovely?

Social services are NOT going to take your baby away pet and they wont phone the Police.

Calm down, make yourself a cup of tea and sit by the phone. No one is going to take your baby. Social Services and the Police are not coming. They're not.

Ignore your DH, it's possible he's shocked you're finially doing something if this has been going on a while. My DH couldn't talk he was so devastated for me. He still feels responsible, like he could have cured me

Nearly there now xx

We're all here and holding your hand.

If you can't bring yourself to tell him how you feel can you show this thread to your DH? It might help him to understand exactly what is going on.

Keep talking to us, even if it's to say you're eating a biscuit.

AMSH - really stop worrying about SS and certainly stop worrying about the police. You are doing the right thing.

"My husband came home and he won't speak to me." WTF - why on earth not? Is he often like that?

Oh and here is a ((hug)) - you definitely need it.

If your husband won't talk to you, it doesn't sound like have nearly enough support

Well done on calling!!!!!!!!! xxx

Do you see the top of your page with your OP? Print it, cut it out and give it to your GP in case you feel you can't talk or feel a bit stuck when you get there. Or, bring it up as a webpage on your iPhone (or similar) and keep the page saved.

Well done OP. Hats off to you for making the call. The first step is the hardest thing to do and I could never have done it without my DH. Why won't he talk?

They won't take your baby. Be as honest as you can be.

Get comfy and make sure you have a big box of tissues and a glass of water handy for the call. Good luck.

Well done you, i am so glad you made the call.

Why wont your dh talk to you?

Seriously well done for taking that next step, ss or the police are not on there way, that would not happen, now for you to get the support and help you need

Well done on calling the doctor. You are suffering from a treatable medical condition and the GP will be able to help you. ((Hugs))

If you can't go to your GP you could go to your local walk-in centre/A&E. They should have a 'Crisis Team' for MH crises (suicidal thoughts are considered a crisis BTW however much you don't want to act on them) and they will have a psych/psychologist on hand who will be able to prescribe medications for you so you would only have to go to the hospital pharmacy (or if you explained how frightened you are to go to the pharm. they might accompany you for moral support).

They would also write to your GP to arrange repeat prescription (so if a hospital psych/psychologist has diagnosed you with PND they aren't going to argue), liaise with the CMH team to get you a CPN and the HV team to get you extra support from your HV and arrange for counselling/CBT/group work as ness.

It might sound like a huge thing to do but when I did it all I had to do was walk in to our local hospital's walk-in centre and just say 'I feel like hurting myself' I had my 2 daughter with me (2m & 23m) they whisked me round to a private room and the psych saw me with in a few minutes. He prescribed meds (well tweaked the dose), wrote to my GP, arranged a CPN to call the next day, was kind and reassuring that everything was ok and my children were NOT going to be removed.

I only went as the HV at my local bfing group was so worried about me, she gave me the option of SS or the crisis team, I chose the crisis team

I am really pleased that you've called the Dr, well done. When they ring back, tell them everything. No-one is going to come and take your baby away because you have done the right thing and reached out for help.

I had PND after DS1. It was fucking awful. I took Sertraline for a year and it fixed me.

Now what is this about your husband, why won't he speak to you?

WELL DONE OP

I am very proud of you!!! I know that was really hard for you, but you know what? YOU DID IT!

I was also on citalopram at first and it didnt suit me either...would suggest trying fluoxetine (prozac) if you havent already.

Am a bit worried as to why your dh isnt talking to you????

Does he realise how awful you feel/have been feeling????

I was diagnosed with DUB when my son was about 9 weeks old- the alarming levels of synthetic hormones I was taking (which would only work 20% of the time) meant I was a complete emotional & hormonal wreck. I would snap & feel every other mother was coping...so why couldn't I?? I didn't have much support & found my doctors very unhelpful. I confided in an alternative medicine expert- told her everything. She recommended herbal tablets which thank god have worked wonders & I feel I have my life back. I have to live with the regret & guilt of my past behaviour towards my husband, son & family. Something I battle with everyday.
The point I am trying to make..an illness..is an illness....if a doctor is not an option..then someone you can trust.
You ladies are inspirations- I have read all posts & felt I wanted to share my story- although this is only the tip of my iceberg.

It's probably because I called him up a few hours ago in a rage, called him a twat, asked him why he was hiding toys from me and if he knew what he was doing to me, told him that he'd have to tidy up the mess I'd made then responded to his nice text telling me he loved me and that he'd tidy everything up for me by telling him to get fucked.

I was so angry. Now I'm hiding in the bedroom in the dark. He probably rues the day he set eyes on me.

Well done OP :) Hoping you're on the phone to the GP right now x

Hey OP, once you get yourself sorted you won't be having these "rage" problems - does he know you've called the GP?

hugs If you to talk sweetie and he can't cope we're here we're an extended support network from all over the world but any time of day any day of the year someones bound to be here to listen to you and talk through the bad days.

Its best to turn to the doctor when you're at your worst they don't want to be treating you at your best after all. I promise you no-one will take your children from you. Thats what put me off going but no-one has ever involved SS. My therapist told me the only time they would is if they felt your children were in immediate danger and they have to inform you first.

Everyone here and at the Doctors only want the best for you.

Infact OP I would go and calmly go and tell DH that you're waiting for the GP to call you back as you're not well and you're not handling things very well at the moment. He obviously loves you and will probably be massively relieved and supportive.