about using violent language in front of dc?

[sundaylunch]

Namechanged for this.

We were having a perfectly nice afternoon trip to the park. DD (1.8) was really enjoying the swings etc and just running around having fun.

When it was time to leave, she didn't want to go and had a tantrum. DH was trying to pick her up and in the process he got kicked quite hard. He thrust her toward me and said "Here, take her before I hit her."

Now, I know he would never actually hit her. But I massively object to him even thinking it, never mind saying it. And I particularly don't want her to learn that it's ok to say that you feel like hitting someone. Or to feel threatened by him.

He doesn't see that he did anything wrong because he was never actually going to hit her.

AIBU?

I would not have liked to have heard that.

I admit that I can be quite defensive when it comes to the throwaway things that adults say to children without realising that such comments can be damaging and remembered by the children.

Fortunately your daughter is too young to remember this. So long as it's a one off I think that it's in your best interests to forget about it and move on. We've all said things in the heat of the moment which we later regret and it's not nice to have someone keep reminding you of your mistake.

what is he usually like?was it out of character or is this oft used language.i can see why you'd be annoyed.some terminology is graphic without actual intent.have discussion with him.acknowledge of course he didnt and wouldnt hit,the phrase itself upsets you

I think you're overthinking it a bit.He was just letting you know he was close to losing control.
It is OK to FEEL like hitting someone - we all do sometimes.

He often uses language like this about people who have upset him. E.g "I just want to stab him."

He would never do anything violent to anyone - he never has and he is nearly 40 - but he does say horrid things like this.

I find it upsetting and I've told him this several times.

But this is the first time he's said anything like this wrt dd.

say "I just want to stab him" in work etc and be prepared for serious recriminations.ok so whilst a small child wont understand an adult will if overheard.does he bottle stuff up or just blurt out the daftie comments.can see that casing problems if overheard or repeated

tbh is choice of language is rough,not doing self favours

Agree that he shouldn't use language like that, especially with children. But I think you are BU to object to his thinking it. Have you never been really wound up by something your DD has done? I have, many times. I am normally very patient with her but there have certainly been times when I needed to walk away for a moment. I would never, ever hit her, though, and neither would your DH- he just needed a moment to regain control, and didn't express it in a very nice way.

Yikes...see...I've actually SAID that to my DH. I think I actually said 'smack', though...but still. I was supremely frustrated, and I don't believe in smacking, so figured, better to hand the DC over rather than actually smack a bottom.

So, YAProbNBU...but I suppose it was better than the hitting?

scottishmummy - he wouldn't say those words at work, although he has been in bother before at work for speaking too aggressively to colleagues. But mostly it's me who has to listen to his fantasist violent recriminations. Yes he does blurt out his anger and then calm down quickly. He doesn't bottle it up.

Pozzled - yes I have been very wound up by dd but I haven't felt close to hitting her. She's not even 2 yet though - I still see her as a little baby.

YANreallyBU but if the children accidentally hit or hurt me (you know they kick you full in the nose or something when you are putting them in the carseat) my reaction is to be angry (inside) because I'd be angry (inside) if anyone did that. I am talking just instantaneously as a reaction to someone/thing so I think it's normal but being an adult is about biting your tongue & controlling your automatic response!

So what he felt probably is normal i.e. pissed off, but with DCs you just have to suck it up and if you are really cross just back off. So he was right to give DD to you and calm down if he needed to but it would have been better to not say anything about feeling like hitting her. He could have told you that later if he needed to.

so SL can you see a theme,inappropriate language and what you call "fantasist violent recriminations".for what ever reason he sounds like an angry man

so will he do anything about it

gah, I'm always threatening to dismember my children

they know I don't mean it

how hard did she kick him? He's only human!

if he said it in a nasty or a threatening way, that's different.

Got told off by a friend recently for saying gruesome things to my 10yo, but it's a game we play - coming up with more and more grotesque ideas. The odd thing is that friend is really shouty and angst-ridden despite her right on bleatings, so I agree with everyone else about intent and feeling behind the words saying more than just the words however outwardly inappropriate

Gah - he's just told me off for "twisting her roughly" when she was resisting having her nappy changed. I know I was feeling annoyed but I didn't think I was treating her roughly. Just firmly. Maybe I was rough. Really questioning myself now. Maybe he has the right idea and I'm doing it wrong by carrying on and pretending that I'm not angry

Really confused and questioning myself now

what on odd post.none of this stacks up.fishy

In what way odd? I assure you I am genuine.

ok. i just dont follow you- maybe symptomatic of a confusion in your rl relationship with dh.the who is the real villain, your assertion of his "fantasist violent recriminations" but expressed self doubt

SM your last post was very astute - the bit about who is the real villain particularly. Yes I am confused. And full of self doubt. I really don't like myself very much right now. DH has just told me I handled my dd too roughly. I suspect he is probably right. I absolutely hate myself for that. And yet here I am whinging about his anger - but with him it's all words, not actions. I know which one I think is worst.

Good call, scottishmummy, it does all seem a bit strange. You've said he's been in trouble for agressive language at work, so although I don't think saying 'ooooh, if you don't stop that, I'm going to smack you' or 'can you take X, I'm going to hit them in a minute' is a hangable offence (I have been known to say this as a way of releasing the stress of just being kicked in the stomach or whatever), in the wider context it all sounds a bit dodgy. Are you worried about what he might do? If not, then I would try and relax about the remark. If you are, then it needs talking about with him soon.

Plus, you say you don't like yourself and seem very harsh on yourself for being firm with a wriggly kicking child who doesn't want to have their nappy changed. And DH pointed it out. The behaviour all seems normal to me (frustrated, getting cross with wriggly children, being too harsh then rethinking it and trying not to do it again) but you seem overly worried about what it all means. I think you seem to think you are unusual for all this very normal behaviour. Have you got any RL friends you could talk to about this, chat about what makes them mad. You will find that lots of people lose their temper with their children but are still nice loving parents. You can't be 100% positive all the time.

Thanks SeasideLil - I found your post quite reassurring.

We are first time parents with no experience of babies / young children. It does sometimes feel like trying to find my way in the dark, and I suppose it's true that I don't know what's 'normal' and I'm terrified of making mistakes.

You've convinced me that I'm probably over thinking this whole thing. No I'm not worried he will hit her. It's just that we have different parenting styles I suppose and so I'm constantly analysing what he says / does against what I say / do, and finding fault. But then I realise that I'm making mistakes too and I start to think we're both shit at this parenting lark!

Call it lack of experience and confidence.

I will talk to my RL friends about it too, as you suggest.

"I just want to stab him." would make me concerned wherever it was said.

Despite no intention, the mere saying of something like that, if caught on CCTV (*) in a corridor at work, could see him having to face questioning (perhaps by the police if someone came to grief and they were looking for a suspect).

It's definitely something to discuss and stop. I may be a fan of violent, escapist nonsense TV shows / films and do own air pistols and an air rifle, but would never voice anything violent because it's no longer something that can be "brushed off" as accidental, given the way younger men are so often the casualties of knife or gun injuries.

I'd say I've no violence in me (they all say that) but we're no longer in a society which tolerates "bad things" (fortunately... think how many people would 'have a drink for the road' when they were at some country pub 20+ years ago, and we've now moved on to drink driving being much reduced... even if drugs might be used by some idiots instead).

(*) lots of CCTV setups include microphones these days, both for indoors or outdoors.