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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be bridesmaid anymore because

15 replies

mrstonice · 02/04/2010 20:45

asked to be bridemaid my dress was brought, now she getting new dresses because she has asked a new bm I have been asked to contribute, I said I would stand down I have been messed about so much its just one thing after another,my patience has finally run out and aibu to tell her im out and how without being unkind.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 02/04/2010 20:51

You can't really (tell her you're out without being unkind). If you can't stand it any more, fair enough, but she is going to feel that you are being unkind, however awful she's been to you.

But you could say that you can't afford to pay for the dress, and continue to grit your teeth at whatever else is going on. It WILL end one day

onepieceoflollipop · 02/04/2010 20:52

Sorry, your post isn't very clear.

A friend/relative has asked you to be her bridesmaid?

She has had a change to the original dress that was selected?

Did you pay for the original dress? She is now asking you to contribute or pay for a completely new dress?

How is communication between you and the bride to be?

onepieceoflollipop · 02/04/2010 20:53

How else have you been "messed about" other than the dress situation? Is the bride normally a difficult person?

parakeet · 02/04/2010 20:54

I think YANBU to say you can't afford to pay for the new dress, and that you're happy to either wear the old one, or wear one that she pays for, or stand down, whichever she prefers.

Original poster
mrstonice · 02/04/2010 21:00

I hardly know the bride that is a fact,she is not a relation she sees me every 2-3 weeks.
She asked me ages ago bought all the dresses now she has new bm and said she is getting new ones as they dont have the new bm size,and I need to contribute where I didn't have to before.

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 02/04/2010 21:03

A few months ago I stood down from being a BM to a very close friend.

The crux of it was I could not get on with her MoH. I tried really hard but the MoH was behaving like she was the one getting married and it was commented upon more than once by a dress shop.

the last straw was when I spent the whole weekend with both of them and the MoH went out of her way to make me feel excluded.

I rang my friend after much soul searching and explained to her that I did not realise it was going to be such a big commitment and that whilst I really want to see her get married I would feel happier being a guest instead of in the bridal party and not potentially letting her down in any way through my lack of commitment.

She was surprised and we had a few tense weeks but we are past it now and the wedding is coming up very soon to which I am really looking forward to.

Make up a reason if you have to - don't lose your friendship over it.

onepieceoflollipop · 02/04/2010 21:04

It is fairly usual for the bridemaids to either contribute or pay for their own dresses. Usually only one dress though.

Perhaps you could just say very calmly and pleasantly to the bride that you would really struggle to pay for the dress, as the original plan was that she would pay for them (which she did). You weren't to know that she would then have a complete change of plan.

Say it to her face if poss, definitely not text.

TheCrackFox · 02/04/2010 21:07

Donning my etiquette hat (as one does) the bridesmaid is not expected to pay for the dress but is expected to buy her own shes.

emsyj · 02/04/2010 21:08

I don't think it is that usual for the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses! It is 'the norm' IME for the bride to pay.

YANBU to just tell her that you can't afford to pay for the new dress. She sounds a bit unhinged. If she has recruited an additional last-minute bridesmaid, that's not your problem.

onepieceoflollipop · 02/04/2010 21:08

That may well be true Fox, but I think that over recent years it has become more commonplace for the bridesmaid to contribute to her dress.

It's a bit like the bride's family paying for the "do". In terms of etiquetts, that is the "done thing". However in practice it is more common now for the groom's family and/or the actual bride and groom to contribute too.

DinahRod · 02/04/2010 21:11

Tell her in person sorry you can't afford to pay for a BM dress, you will graciously step-down, you don't want to be the cause of any fuss or expense.

EricNorthmansmistress · 02/04/2010 22:21

If she's not a great friend then no, you shouldn't have to contribute to a dress when the original arrangement was that you wouldn't.

I was a BM last year and bought my own shoes and wrap, if I had had to buy dress/contribute as well I might have had to decline being a BM. But at least I would have had the option. OP is not getting that is she - so you tell the bride you would love to be her BM but you are unable to afford a new dress so will understand if you have to stand down.

And by the way - your name should be mrstoonice, the way you have spelt it made it difficult to understand what it said

KiwiKat · 02/04/2010 22:34

I've been bridesmaid twice, and each time paid for my own dress. The second one was bl*y expensive, too! However, I think in this case it sounds like the wedding is unlikely to be an enjoyable day for you, so perhaps it's best to do as Dinah and a couple of the others have suggested and bow out gracefully. You still want to be friends with this woman after the wedding is over, after all.

gtamom · 02/04/2010 22:56

Yanbu. The bride is not being practical at all.
I think she is weird to change all of the dresses that have already been bought. She should get a dressmaker to copy the dress in the newest bm's size.
Makes a lot more sense.

wukter · 02/04/2010 23:04

Problem solved by gtamom.

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