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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think ex should pay for child even though not biologically his?

44 replies

woahthere · 12/03/2010 13:21

My ex has just left his horrible wife, they had 2 children together...or so he thought....
She applied to csa for maintenance but then he found out from the rumour mill that the first one wasnt his. He then contested that the child was his and made his ex - wife have dna test done to ascertain the truth. It turned out that boy is not his. He therefore refuses to pay maintenance. However he still maintains it makes no difference and in his eyes he is still his son. She wont let him see him now. Now I know what she is doing is really scummy and unfair on the child, but, I cant help but think that if he wants to claim the child as his own, then he should pay the same as his other child and not treat him any differently. What do you think?

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 12/03/2010 13:24

I think that it's none of your business. He's your ex. She's his ex. Terrible traumatic situation. Let them be, rather than using it as something with which to castigate your ex. Presumably you don't like him anymore, so you want to think bad thoughts of him. Let it be. Move on.

StealthPolarBear · 12/03/2010 13:24

Yes I agree. At least he's not planning to vanish from the boy's life, though.
Does the boy know?

StealthPolarBear · 12/03/2010 13:25

oh he's your ex, not your partner.
i still agree but yes, this is too invlved!

ConnorTraceptive · 12/03/2010 13:29

Why do you care?

I expect your ex still loves the boy like his own but want to punish his wife in someway and not paying her maintenance is a way to do that. I would imagine he's extremely hurt by the revelation and is reacting emotionally. Not saying it's right or wrong but not really your business either way

Original poster
woahthere · 12/03/2010 13:29

oooh hello workingitouasigo...how am i castigating my ex...im asking mnetters a question, have kept out of it actually. And you are wrong, it sort of is some of my business because my ex has 2 children with me and they have been led to believe they have 2 brothers...who they now cant see which is terribly sad for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
woahthere · 12/03/2010 13:30

and same response to connor

OP posts:
Lasvegas · 12/03/2010 13:38

I don't think someone should have to pay maintenace for a child that isn't theirs biologically. Except in the case of adoption. What shocking behaviour to be sleeping with more than one person at the same time, no wonder she is his ex wife. Poor chap the rumours are salt on the wound, seems other people knew, why didn't she do a paternity test at the outset.

I hope the womans two kids don't get upset about not having same father.

Rhubarb · 12/03/2010 13:41

I haven't heard anyone talk with concern for the boy caught up in all of this.

He also thought he had 3 brothers. He thought he knew who his dad was. Now his life has been turned upside down and all you can think about is yourself and your kids?

starkadder · 12/03/2010 13:42

If he wants to treat him as his son, then he should contribute to the cost of keeping him. Maintenance is for the child, not the wife. He is being unreasonable and it is horrible of him to differentiate between his children like that. But it is an absolutely horrible situation and you would do well to stay out of it, I think. As far as your own children go - well, if they think of these other two as their brothers, then things should stay that way, regardless of who the biological father was. I feel very sorry for the poor boy in all of this.

Original poster
woahthere · 12/03/2010 13:44

I know,lasvegas, she really was a piece of work. He was devastated and it sort of just confirmed that he did the right thing in leaving her. Other people did try to tell him at the time but he wasnt prepared to listen at the time. She didnt have the test done at the time because she is a cowardly cow. From my angle it is upsetting because my kids were led to believe he was their brother. They still dont know the truth.
Im not questionning her awful behaviour and I am 100 percent behind my ex but I cant help but wonder that if he was paying for him as he was his own son they he would be able to see him and she wouldnt be able to get away with stopping him. From a legal point of view, does anyone know if this is a reason for her to stop him from seeing him?
I also wonder about when the boy is older, if my ex gets access will he be upset (because his Mum is the kind of person I can imagine would say something) that his 'dad' wouldnt pay for him like his brother?

OP posts:
Original poster
woahthere · 12/03/2010 13:46

rhubarb 'Now I know what she is doing is really scummy and unfair on the child,'....first post go swivel, you know nothing about my feelings

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 12/03/2010 13:47

Erm perhaps the wife should be getting the csa to chase the biological and maybe HE should pay for HIS child.

It is awfull though that this poor child's relationships will depend entirely on whether money changes hand - shame on the mother too

Original poster
woahthere · 12/03/2010 13:48

and i was in the middle of writing this....'Now I know what she is doing is really scummy and unfair on the child,'

as you were judging posting

OP posts:
Original poster
woahthere · 12/03/2010 13:49

wrong paste...this

I also wonder about when the boy is older, if my ex gets access will he be upset (because his Mum is the kind of person I can imagine would say something) that his 'dad' wouldnt pay for him like his brother?

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 12/03/2010 13:49

the biological father that should say

llareggub · 12/03/2010 13:49

Go swivel!

I haven't heard that since I left school. Hilarious.

What a terrible situation. But yes, if we wants to continue to have some sort of paternal relationship then this should include financial support.

swanandduck · 12/03/2010 13:49

If he's loved the child as his own for several years, how can he now use him like this to get at the mother. It sounds very sad and tragic for the poor child.

mayorquimby · 12/03/2010 13:51

No why should a man pay for a child that isn't his who his ex-wife lied to him about and allowed him to believe was his for years?
There's no way in hell I'd pay the mother a cent.

HanBanan · 12/03/2010 13:56

Yep, the boy is the one who will suffer the most. I think he should defo consider support for him. How sad. Might be one of those things where to much emotion is involved and things won't get resolved.

Original poster
woahthere · 12/03/2010 13:58

mayorquimby...if he thinks of him as his son, surely people contribute financially towards their son. if it means he can see him? i know its not fair like, but worthit maybe?

OP posts:
bellissima · 12/03/2010 14:01

There will be better informed posters than me but I think it's legally v complex. In high profile cases where someone has sued for maintenance from a non-biological father (particularly one who has been duped) they have generally lost. On the other hand, non-biological parents can sometimes have access and even custody rights, depending on how long they have been with the child. (And yes, that does sound like having cake and eating it, so please any lawyers come and correct me.)

As for you can gan swivel on it - still to be heard in geordie-land - but er what is 'it'? Is it a male or female accoutrement? Is that just my filthy mind?

GeekOfTheWeek · 12/03/2010 14:01

Surely the biological father should be paying.

If dh and I split up I would not be asking him to provide financial support for ds1, his bio father does that. However, I would expect him to continue contact and to spend time with him.

farmerjones · 12/03/2010 14:03

i dont think he should have to pay.

Original poster
woahthere · 12/03/2010 14:06

im sure he should geek but god knows where he is, if she even knows who he is?! and you wouldnt ask because youre probably nice and thinking of the child whereas she is not.

go swivel was my way of being polite as some peoples rash responses and judgements on mn really make feel like they just like bullying, i would have liked to tell them off but not sure if its allowed!

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 12/03/2010 14:08

for the little boy.

I hope he continues to see him.

Would it be right if the op's ex pays maintenece and the biological father also pays? Doesn't seem right somehow.

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