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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To write a manual on how to handle DS1

44 replies

LynetteScavo · 04/11/2009 12:44

His teacher is "on her knees" by Friday afternoon, and has asked (in a round about way)for tips on who to handle him.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 04/11/2009 13:24

Do you want to write it?

I'd think she'd find it useful. Why is she "on her knees"? What issues are there.

pippa251 · 04/11/2009 13:28

if she's asked for tips then wirte it- it will help him in the long term.

However, I would seriously question why she is 'on her knees'

BalloonSlayer · 04/11/2009 13:33

Actually this reminds me, I went in to see DS1's new teacher to have a quick chat about his allergies - as I do every time his teacher changes.

I brought the one page summary I have been updating and using for years. She was really pleased with it.

She even said "Did you write this yourself?"

bubblagirl · 04/11/2009 13:35

we have personal passport for ds at school he has SN it has everything form communication to dietary all written as if coming form him so how he handles situations how it makes himmfeel and what others can do to help etc

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 04/11/2009 13:53

You know what ...I really don't know why she is on her knees....He's a difficult person.When he was a toddler I was reagularly on my knees with him, he was so difficult. Nw he is lovely at home (apart form some attitued; rolling eyes and tutting when asked to do things)

She feels like she is walking though dynamite, and he might explode at any moment. I used to call it walking on egg shells.
Bubblagirl, I've alwys though DS might need somthing like that especially in high school, but he has no diagnosed SN.

He is very "willful" and has reecntly gone on strike at school. He's then kept in over break and lunchto do the work, which of course he doesn't do. The trouble is, he's like a dog and needs excersice. I would put that in this so far imaginary manual.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 04/11/2009 14:02

how old is he? and can they offer him action plus or anything to deal with behaviour? has anyone ever looked into anything further could he be dyslexic and finding school difficult placement in class does he need to be nearer the front so not so easily distracted maybe all these things need to be considered so he can find school easier there must be reasons for this behaviour

bubblagirl · 04/11/2009 14:03

personal passport you dont need sn to do this its just an explanation of needs but if you need to explain needs it needs to be explored further

pagwatch · 04/11/2009 14:10

There is nothing wrong with writing out how you approach certain behaviours.
I think it is a perfectly reasonable idea. You could then use it as a book for your DS.

My DS2 also has SN and he has a printed sheet with top tips on it like
" I sometimes get anxious and this makes me stop talking. If you keep asking me questions I will get more anxious. If you could stay quiet for a few minutes I can more easily calm myself"

Because he is aware of the document it has helped us have evolving conversations about how he can gain control of emotions and behaviours himself - what to ask for and what to do.
He can now say "Pagboy is thinking" and we all know he is 'processing' an emotion of anxiety.

I know this does not directly relate to your DS but i may be helpful for his teacher and him
( Or is it a really shit idea/)

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 04/11/2009 14:28

No, it's help full Pagwatch.

He's 10, adn has been assesed in school for Aspergers, (and also by private ed psych) so that has been ruled out. He is very axious though which leads to a fight or flight reaction over the smallest of things, and I think he has sensory precessing disorder. Of ten things just get too much for him.

Part of the problem is that he's bright, and tihs is not the first teacher to see he's capable of great things, but gets very frustrated with him when he refuses to work...making his anxiety worse.

I tihnk I shall write a list of tips on how to deal iwth him, rather than a whole manual.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 04/11/2009 14:43

Lynette
ooh - not shit eh . Rare for me.

DS2s problems are similar and his sensory issues get worse when he is overloaded.
Sensory issues sound like such a minor thing don't they but it is his very interaction with the world.
All the things that I do with my other children to sooth them, getting closer, looking directly art them, talking etc just make him worse. he needs me to keep back from his personal space and be still for a bit. And if that doesn't help he will get fixed on a point of disagreement so that he can kind of vent.
Very frustrating. Everything my instincts tell me to do are wrong and i have to effectively do the opposite
[sigh]

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 04/11/2009 14:53

Thast's exactly it Pagwatch!

OP posts:
roneef · 04/11/2009 15:08

Are you guys actually reading the same page as me?

The OP said her son does not have SN. I know it's nice you are bonding with her over it though pagwatch.

BTW while the teacher is reading this self indulgent manual she is effectively ignoring 30? other kids.

When she informs you she is practically on her knees I suspect she wants you to tell him to behave for her.

YABU to write manual. Try talking to the kid or exercise some parental responsibility and discipline him.

bubblagirl · 04/11/2009 15:13

the child may not have diagnosed sn but it doesnt mean he doesnt have some sensitivity problems that in time would need to be understood and dealt with and some children and teachers could do with some insight rather than ignore

there's no reason any other child would be ignored the information can be read any time there has obviously been some concern regarding the previous observations but sensitivity problems alone are rarely dx in this country

bubblagirl · 04/11/2009 15:14

as a parent you are your childs only advocate so if he has sensitivity problems why not make the teacher aware if your child has an allergy then you would its really no different certain things setting it off and this can be avoided

pagwatch · 04/11/2009 15:29

Lynette
do what you need to help him at school for fear he will grow up to be a sarcastic, uninformed, posturing wanker.
It does apparently happen.

Hey . This bonding is great!

MaximumNoisePollution · 04/11/2009 15:31

WOW Roneef do let it all out

Lynette could you get them to look at SPD's?

MaximumNoisePollution · 04/11/2009 15:32

Pagwatch

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 04/11/2009 15:53

roneef...could you please advise me on how I should dicipline my DS for not working in class?...I'm not sure exactly what else the teacher is finding so diffiuclt about him....she hasn't explained. I couldn't explin to peple when he was younger why I found him so dificult......

Other teachers have found ways around situations, like getting him to work just outside the classroom, which he loved as there were less distraction.

He was on School Action for a couple of year, and School Action Plus befor that. when ever he's seen my LABS/ed psych ect' he comes over as the most normal, well adjusted child you could imagine. On the other hand, his class teacher seek out side help because they see signs of Autism, etc. What they are really seeing is his inability (or his over ability, really) to process senses.

I don't see why I should have to drag him off for an assesment for a formal diagnosis so I can prove to people who difficult he finds certain situations.

I take full parental responsibility for his behaviour, and am prepared to do what ever I can to help make his teachers life easier.

I did want to write some tips to help DS and his Y3 teher,ut thought it would self indugent, so didn't. DS sadly crashed and burned in Y3.......a few tips would have helped every body, and his Y3 teacher wouldn't have ended up feeling like she'd failed him.

OP posts:
roneef · 04/11/2009 15:57

Better he turns out slightly sarcastic{sound familiar Pagwatch} rather than an out of control individual just because of a very basic lack of discipline. I don't think it's the schools job to parent.

What are sensitivity problems. I obviously haven't heard of these {before some smart arse says it}

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 04/11/2009 15:57

I'm sorry roneef....you probably think this whole thread is quite self indugent of me.

OP posts:
roneef · 04/11/2009 15:58

Sorry didn't see your post lynette

roneef · 04/11/2009 16:01

I don't actually. You need help from someone who knows about these things.

The people on this thread are just taking it as a given that he has sn. I don't understand why. A bit sad and stupid really because the real issues might get ignored.

Stayingsunnygirl · 04/11/2009 16:04

Roneef - surely the school is 'in loco parentis' whilst the child is in their care? Which would mean that they do need to take responsibility for him whilst he's at school. In my opinion it is a partnership - with the parents as the senior partner, obviously, and bearing the greatest responsibility, but the teachers have skills and insights that a parent might not have, and vice versa - so the teacher asking for Lynette's help, and Lynette writing a manual or list of tips sounds like excellent cooperation to me!

And surely it would benefit the rest of the class if Lynette sent in a manual or list of tips on how to cope with her son, so that the teacher can deal with him quickly and effectively, with minimum disruption to the rest of the class.

pagwatch · 04/11/2009 16:07

sensitivity issues are a complicated processing disorder. They can invlove children being overly sensitive to touch etc ( which is the classic autism thing of not wanting bodily contact) hightened sensitivity to noise where it is heard too piercingly or it is impossible to distinguish things like the sound of someone talking to you, from theticking of a clock. It can be overwhelming and disorientating and is strongly associated with ASD.

There are many many different manifestations and the condition is real and difficult to deal with.
Not least because people are quick to judghe and dismiss things they haven't heard of or understand.

These things are not about discipline. Otherwise why would I have two beautifully behaved obedient children and one who finds many situations impossible to handle.

Perhaps it would have been easier if you had asked the question before being obnoxious to me and accusing Lynette of being a crap parent.

roneef · 04/11/2009 16:07

In theory you're right staying but in reality it might not be like that.