To not mention something to a friend

[FimbleHobbs]

Friend and I have DC at the same school. Her DC has been hitting my DC during playtimes. School are aware and are dealing with it.

I feel disloyal keeping a secret from my friend, as am sure she'd want to know (I would, in her shoes) - but I think its best left to school to deal with as (a) they seem very on the ball with it and (b) its not happening out of school - DC's play together regularly quite happily.

I don't want to make it into a bigger deal than it is, and friend has enough on her plate with other stuff. Do you think IABU not to mention it? What would you do?

Not at all, YANBU. It's best to leave it to the school in this situation as getting involved in this yourself can easily cause bad feeling between the two of you that will long outlive the problems between the kids.

YANBU. You're not at the school so you don't see the circumstances. Friend apologised to me for her DS charging at mine - my DS hadn't even mentioned it so it obviously wasn't that big a deal to him!

Would really leave it to the school as it is happening in school time. No point in mentioning it to your friend.

I'm glad you posted this
I'm in the middle of the same situation, and like you I've not said anything. Even though we chat a lot and knew each other from before school.
In my case partly because I know the mum would handle it very badly and would shout at her daughter in the playground in front of everyone - which would probably put my dd off telling me anything again.
I know what you mean - you'd want too know yourself. But I just can't bring myself to tell this mum.

Although I can see why everyone has said don't say anything, can I just be say be careful.

I was in this situation a couple of years back, but mine was the boy doing the hitting.

I was really good friends with DS's friends' mums and she assumed that as she had been into school to complain, that school would tell me. They didn't nor did she. This went on for a couple of terms apparently.

I was completely unaware that there was a problem, all DCs played happily together outside of school.

She, and eventually almost all our group of friends, just assumed I didn't care, as I never mentioned it and slowly started avoiding me/us. Family and individual invitations stopped and I was cold-shouldered in the playground.

It only came out after school one day when I asked if the boy wanted to come to play and I was screamed at.

Two years on and I'm still filling up over it as I type this and my social circle has never recovered. Please don't let this happen to your friend

I am also the mother of a child who hits. We have always dealt with it consistently and calmly and she is told off, has to say sorry and then we leave the playground / friends house etc. Consequently it has got less and less frequent BUT when she started school last year I was devastated at the first parents evening when we were told she occasionally hits/ pinches her friends. I was cross that the school hadn't told us before the parents evening which was practically the end of term. I would be totally devastated if I found out she was still doing it and that not only the school but a friend hadn't told me about it. Mainly because I want to deal with it at home - talk to her about it etc rather than just leave it up to the school.
I guess in the end it comes down to how you think she'll deal with it - if I were your friend I'd be really grateful to you for telling me and then back up the schools discipline on the matter with my own. If your friend is similar then please tell her.
I guess if you think she'll shoot the messenger and deal with it badly, maybe best to leave it to the school. Good luck!

Thanks everyone, esp Cheerful and RunningGirl for making me really think.

My friend has given me express permission to tell her DC off if they ever misbehave when I am looking after them, which makes me feel like I should tell her about this - shes not a shoot the messenger type. But she does have other stresses at the minute and I know she will worry about this more than she needs to, so I want to protect her in a way.

Certainly I would never mention it to any other friends - Cheerful your situation sounds awful and I really feel for you.

One of my DC was a biter when small and I know how hard it is being the parent of the one in the wrong.

Thing is I only have my DC's word for what happens - school confirmed it and told us what they were already doing about it - but I don't know if my DC is also doing anything he shouldn't be. Without being there I don't have the full facts do I. And I don't want to make this bigger than it is and end up with her (or any of the) DC being labelled as 'the naughty one' in the first few weeks of term.

I still think I better keep schtum but if it goes on for a few more weeks then I will reassess. I think.

[wibbles indecisively)

You mention that your friend "has enough on her plate with other stuff." Could her boy's hitting be a part of this other stuff? I can see you don't want to add to your friend's distress, but as has been pointed out by others this may not be best in the long run. Perhaps you need to raise it with her in a sympathetic way so that she does not feel you are accusatory - "this has been happening at school, is everything OK with your son because it really doesn't seem like him, etc. etc."

By not mentioning it to her, I think you are opening yourself up to a why-didn't-you-tell-me, and it will not be good for either of you.

Why wouldn't you mention this to your friend?

Are you worried that she will think you are complaining or being precious. I think it would be remiss NOT to mention it. You don't have to go into the nuts and bolts, but you should say something IMO.

If it were me, I'd definitely want to know.

Thats a very good point and its hard to explain without giving out personal info, but yes in a way the hitting probably is. She is totally aware of other/similar behavioural problems from the 'other stuff' though and already tackling it (fwiw imo she is a great mum and does all the right things), knowing about the school hitting wouldn't make any difference to her strategies. If you see what I mean - sorry to be vague.

Allets because I think its best left to school to deal with as (a) they seem very on the ball with it and (b) its not happening out of school - DC's play together regularly quite happily.

I don't want to make it into a bigger deal than it is, and friend has enough on her plate with other stuff.

I don't at all think that she would think I was complaining or being precious, she isn't like that. But she would get very anxious over it, probably needlessly. So I'd be giving her sleepless nights for no good reason.

TBH I would mention it to her casually, if the school call her in about it and she realises you know and haven't said anything, she may be upset, don't make a big deal about it, just say the school are deasling with it and you're fine with that etc.

Fimble, if she already knows that her DS is hitting and has strategies to deal with it, then I wouldn't tell her.

I know my DS does hit occasionally and we are working on it (with the school). I don't specifically know who he hits (obviously) and I would be devastated if another mother approached me about it because I would feel the implication that I was doing something wrong or that there was something wrong with my child.

I have tried to get around this my speaking to some of the other mothers and confessing that DS has been hitting and that we were working with the school etc so that they know that we know what is going on and are dealing with it IYSWIM.