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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my ex should consider our 3 yo rather than himself in contact arrangements?

23 replies

Cathg27 · 24/08/2009 17:15

I know I'm not, but just need a random vent about this.

When we split my ex went back to his family home in a european country. He's been an arse for 2 years over the divorce, applying for residency (because our child doesn't love me... and now to top the lot, we've finally got to the point where our 3 yo is going to be travelling to his family home for contact. Ex wants to use an airport 2 hours away from our house because the flight isn't so early for him in the morning. It means 3 yo will be getting home at the earliest at 9pm. The reason I find this unreasonable is because there is another airport, with bargain priced flights a 45 minute drive away from us - it means an early start for my ex to collect our 3yo and a longer wait for a flight home. He also (despite choosing to move there and paying NO maintenence for our child - the one we planned when we were married) wants me to pay half the transport costs....

Seriously....grrrr

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 24/08/2009 17:17

Poor you and poor your DD, your exH sounds very selfish.

Why on earth would you contribute towards the transport costs if your exH is paying no maintenance? How come he gets away with this?

MissSunny · 24/08/2009 17:20

Message withdrawn

Madascheese · 24/08/2009 17:23

K - changed my username, should have done it first I guess, couldn't work out how to

I get so frustrated with him....

Madascheese · 24/08/2009 17:25

MissSunny

Err that was why I stayed with him so long, he had me convinced if I didn't do exactly what he said he would disappear with DS and I'd never see him again. It took me a good long while to get the plans in place to leave safely.

But apparently even thought he's admitted he threatened it, that's not good enough evidence for the court - he needs to have actually tried to do it before they can do anything. The court order gives me a degree of protection (but not enough to prevent the sleepless nights )
Thanks

oldraver · 24/08/2009 17:26

I agree with Miss Sunny.. No way would I let her out of the country with him with the history you have presented

GypsyMoth · 24/08/2009 17:26

is this court ordered?

find it hard to believe if so.....stand up for yourself here!

Madascheese · 24/08/2009 17:29

Old raver, That's how I felt too, but the court sees it differently it's a total nightmare tbh and seems utterly senseless, like if you know something is going to be potentially dangerous for your child and you go ahead, it makes you culpable, like, playing out on a busy road - or leaving them unsupervised but apparently a 'threat' doesn't count for much. The only way I can do this with any legal back up is via the courts so I have to play by their rules. sucks huh?

Madascheese · 24/08/2009 17:32

ILoveTiffany,

totally court ordered. I would have found it hard to believe if someone had told me this, but court ruled that it is a risk they will have to take

I have been standing up for myself which is why it's taken him 2 years to get to this point...You wouldn't believe how tough my barrister is either...

GypsyMoth · 24/08/2009 17:32

so the courts have said you HAVE to take your child to and from airport at your expense...AND pay half the airfare too??

did you have a solicitor?

Madascheese · 24/08/2009 17:34

Oh sorry, no travel costs are not ordered yet, but there is an application for that. And yes, I'm on very good terms with my solicitor, I ought to be I reckon my case has paid for several expensive holidays for him

pigletmania · 24/08/2009 17:35

URNBU, if your ex wants to see her, he should come himeslef and collect her at his own expense and convienience. If he cant pay, than he cant see her simple as that, or move to be nearer to her.

SomeGuy · 24/08/2009 17:36

AFAIK, she would have to apply for maintenance in the country where he is living.

I guess the visiting and maintenance are considered separately.

GypsyMoth · 24/08/2009 17:36

sorry cross posted there.

how often is this then?

Madascheese · 24/08/2009 17:40

Pigletmania - perhaps going out to work might help...bloody men honestly

Someguy - You're right and ex is looking for a payout from me for the house I'd owned for 6 years prior to our marriage as well as spousal maintenence but none of that can even be addressed while this is still being sorted out because as you rightly say, they are kept separate.

IloveTiffany, it's every 3 weeks.

thank you all for answering by the way, I think the cat is a bit fed up of me ranting at her about this...

GypsyMoth · 24/08/2009 17:42

do you think its something he'll get fed up with? maybe it will become a bit too much

and surely it will change once she starts school and can go for a holiday at end of term instead.

MissSunny · 24/08/2009 17:59

Message withdrawn

Madascheese · 24/08/2009 18:18

Oh my goodness Miss sunny, you didn't sound nasty - was I waspish to you?, apologies, just that this is such a long and complicated story if I'd posted it all you would have lost the will to live! The errr was just that the treat has been the main thing he's used to control me for years.

He's been coming here for the last 2 years for contact (pretty closely supervised) and this is the next step the courts expect to see taken.

I'm just pissed off that this process seems to mean he can suit himself - I mean 2 hours in a car to the airport or 45 minutes? what is actually best for the child here?

If I could find a different way to fight this I would.

pigletmania · 24/08/2009 18:36

Aww poor you Mad what a jerkoff, he does not deserve to see her, just thinking about himself and his own conveience.

GypsyMoth · 24/08/2009 18:40

on what basis did the courts agree with him regarding choice of airport? was it for his ease,or another reason?

Madascheese · 24/08/2009 18:44

Pigletmania - you may have just found the solution for my current stress levels... perhaps we could turn this thread into a list of suggested descriptions for my ex?

Again, thanks for the responses, it's the first time I've really posted in Mumsnet and so far it's been a nice welcome

Madascheese · 24/08/2009 18:49

We agreed 2 airports could used potentially, I didn't know he had ever used any other than the closest one, so assumed the one further away was being suggested as a back to cover all bases ifykwim I thought that was an uncommonly sensible suggestion so agreed it. We were clearly told in the court order that we had use best endeavours to agree arrangements but so far he has just presented me with what he expects me to do without any discussion or 'reaching agreement'

It was all a bit heated and stressed in court as we were being 'encouraged' to reach an agreement on the day and I'm pretty sure now that was a Very Bad Plan.

usedtobeme · 25/08/2009 08:01

I have been in a similar (ish) situation and also found the courts were way off with their judgement of what was in my childs best interests.

My eldest child is from my 1st marriage and i have 2 more now with dh. DH used to work away and didn't see kids til he came back on a weekend. He got another job, few around in what he does but this meant moving 170 miles away. Altho i immediately offered to do half the travelling to allow dc1 regular contact with ex, the court did piss me off by firstly asking 'why i would move 170 miles away when there was a contact order already in place?' (felt like i had been tagged or had shackles on my feet, i mean its a contact order not a prison sentence.) The court also thot it was ok for my ex to drive for 4 hrs solid, collect dc1 and then drive him for another 4 hours to take him to his place. I thot this was terrible, the journey is on one of the most notorious roads in the uk.

We managed to reach a compromise where by he came on the train to collect and at least this was safer imo.

However it has all changed for the better now that ex has another child as he doesn't want to be travelling with new baby all weekend so comes and stays nearby and ex his new partner, baby and dc1 all spend weekend in nice hotel (he can afford it because he saves lots of money by giving me bare minimum on maitenance

Madascheese · 25/08/2009 08:51

Hi Usedtobeme

8 hours travelling huh? I guess this was pretty much for weekend contact right? amazing, some bright spark thought our 3yo could cope with a monthly 6/8 hour trip each way to visit Daddy for 48 hours at his family home, thankfully the Judge didn't agree with that.

I long for the day my ex meets someone else and has another child - esp if it's another boy tbh, he sees our child as a tool for controlling me and I wish he would just get over it! It wasn't such a problem before I stood up to him and left but as he gets increasingly frustrated that it doesn't work anymore he does ever more ridiculous and stupid things which only cause our gorgeous child to get confused and disappointed. I keep trying to tell myself that LO will be fine in the long run and will probably cope with the changes better than I imagine. the reason I left when he was 9 months old was because I figured there would be less upheaval if I did it then - I had no idea we'd still be in court 2 1/2 years later.

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