To not find it acceptable that my 4.5 yo son shouts constantly?

[Pheebe]

He can talk at a reasonable volume just chooses not to. He is almost constantly shouting at me, his dad, his brother, not nastily just talking at a loud volume and I have had enough. He also talks constantly and always has to have the last word so is becoming quite rude.

I have hypersensitive hearing so its actually painful and overwhelming for me and I often can't be in the same room as him so either find myself walking away or sending him to another room. We are constantly telling him to shush, talk more quietly or even the dreaded shut up (although I hate that with a passion).

His hearing is fine and I think its because he has to shout all the time to be heard at nursery. When I asked them if he shouts there they said no more than any of the others.

I don't suppose its that unusual in a 4.5yo boy but we need ways to cope with it better or at least get him to realise what he's doing so he can deal with it better.

I have a lad very much like yours, sympathies .
I had great fun in McDonalds the other day (long story), because DS kept shouting about things, but thank goodness it was so noisy in there he didn't attract attention, and I just thought, "If there's one public eatery place in the world that should be able to accomodate him..."

I find that talking to DS in a quiet calm voice reduces his shouting, but doesn't cure it entirely. Remind him to use his "quiet" voice for ordinary things, when you can.

YANBU

Of course you are not. Your DS shouldn't be shouting. I would not tolerate this with my DS. I would tell him to 'use a normal voice' and until he did so, I would ignore whatever he said.

At 4.5 he shoud be able to understand this and use anormal voice when speaking.

Don't say "use a quiet voice", say "use anormal voice" so it gets through to him that shouting isn't normal or acceptable.

Thanks peanut, we've had many embarassing moment when he's pointed something personal out about someone at the top of his voice in public. Not that what he says is naughty or said rudely, just the usual - why is that mans tummy so big etc etc questioning the world around him. But when the whole shop can hear and judges him and us it is embarassing.

I will keep reminding him about his quiet voice.

No you are not being unreasonable. Curb it now or you are going to end up with a loud mouthed and rude child. As this is anti-social behaviour remove him to another room on his own and make him realise that if he can't conduct himself in a socially acceptable manner he will be removed from society.

There is, of course, always the old-fashioned option of two verbal warnings and then a sharp slap on the back of his legs!

Ahh yes, overmydeadbody, the normal voice makes sense. I agree with you its not acceptable and he does understand he just seems to forget or get carried away in the moment.

I work in a nursery and have this problem with a couple of the boys too.

I ask them to use their 'quiet voices' which works initially.
Or i cover my ears with my hands and say something like 'oww, too loud, you're hurting my ears'

Nurseries are incredibly noisy places, and sometimes they do have to talk loudly to be heard.
We have solved this problem by splitting into smaller groups for most of the day, but this sort of habit is probably formed early on, and by the time they are in pre-school it is too late and the habit is formed.

We also have quiet time, where talking is not allowed.
Story time can be difficult with one child constantly talking all the way through. I put mu finger on my lip and sit like that until he has stopped.

I would love to shout 'shut up!' but am not allowed

Both mine are like this, they're 4 and almost 3 (the baby is starting to join in too now )

I just refuse to aknowledge what they've said til it's said in a nice tone of voice atm as it's the only way i've found to deal with it.

I've had long talks with them along the lines of 'Do you like it when mommy shouts at you? Well mommy doesn't like being shouted at either. We only shout at people if we're very, very angry at them so it makes people sad to be shouted at all the time'

They winge and whine alot too and i use the same methods; 'Mommy can't understand you when you speak like that, if you say it in a nice voice i might be able to help you' and variations of the same

That said i know where they get it from... manies the time i've had to say to dp 'For gods' sakes, i'm standing 2 feet away from you, lower the volume!'

Lol lucia, perhaps I could threaten him with an asbo. I'm sure at 4.5 threats of violence or incarceration will be just the ticket and give him the motivation to behave in an acceptable way.

Yes, I like the idea of telling him to use his normal voice and not acknowledging him til he does. I'll try that one with him. Hopefully that will get him to think about how loud he's talking without having to shush him all the time.

Purple - I definitely think its a survival tactic from nursery. Some days there are 25 kids in his group. If I could keep him at home I would...

Try talking to him more and more quietly, the louder he gets. People mimic each other, it's a natural reaction - the whole "why are we whispering?" thing

I have same problem but am slowly making progress.

Try this:

1. When he shouts at him look blankly and say can't hear him (he will shout louder) keep saying this til he gets cross.

then: look him in the eyes and say "when you shout at me i can't hear what you are saying. You need to speak to me quietly / in a normal voice (what ever you call the acceptable volume) and then I can hear you.

This takes several goes and eventually they do get it.

1. The imaginary volume control.

If your ds is like mine he will know how to operate the tv. My ds now has a volume control too. We use this when out. Initially we started with. "You are shouting, we need to turn your volume down" pretend to push button/wind button down to turn down till ds is not shouting. When doen this several times you can get him to turn his volume down himself. Now we just say "your talking/shouting too loud just your volume down." and "keep going" until he gets to an acceptable level.

Both approaches work and can be combined. Just bear in mind that sometimes they just like to shout and no matter how much you try they are going to have selective hearing.

Good luck

Thanks guys, I do like the idea of trying to make it a bit fun/lighthearted with him as he isn't actually being naughty.

Good to know its not unusual too and that I'm not being a 'bad' mum by wanting him to pipe down

Pheebe: Why is removal to another room in the house "incarceration"? I assume we all agree that the family is a microcosm of society? Therefore if a child is acting in an increasingly anti-social manner - remove him from that society until he can conduct himself in the appropriate manner.

I realise that in this day and age it is highly non-PC, but teaching a young child to count to 3 or else works wonders for behaviour!

And if three doesn't go on to 10, then 10 down to one and progress to counting to 20 and from 20 down to 1 (just watch out for blast offs)

It gets their couting fantastic and helps to calm. Mental distraction sometimes works a bomb!

O no lucia - I've seen you and your posts before. I'm not getting drawn into one of your little debates . Thanks for your contribution though, I appreciate the sentiment

Lol moving, we just did the volume control and all ended up in fits of giggles he has now lost his voice and is wandering round miming for the next 30 seconds anyway...ahh yep, he's back to normal

Stick with it -it took us nearly a year to crack but used the phrase "turn your volume control down" when out last week and it worked I like progress!