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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

help me with my playdate dillema

25 replies

LucyEllensmummy · 25/02/2009 10:42

Right - woman at playschool has asked me and DD for lots of play dates - her house is huge and chaotic and i do seem to spend most of my time watching the kids, my one and her two. Not very much chat goes on. I don't really enjoy it and i always come out with a headache. Her DD is lovely and intelligent and charming but can bereally hard work and some of her less desirable behaviour rubs off on my DD, who is no angel so im not being precious, just i don't need my DD to have additional naughtiness to add to her repertoire!!

So, ive been invited to her house again today, i really am tired and not really up for it, thought about asking her here but the house is a pit and i cant be arsed to tidy today.

Am thinking of taking DD swiming but she has a younger DS, but i think we could manage both girls and the DS between us. That would avoid me going to her house

Im stuck, what do i do

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 25/02/2009 10:43

just say NO, not this week, or what
ever, be strong- what is she doign when you are watching kids??

popmum · 25/02/2009 10:47

why not let your dd go on her own - esp as she has been before?

compo · 25/02/2009 10:48

yes drop your dd off and pick her up later

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 25/02/2009 10:52

faffing about slarty - last time i was there i was reading to the children and thought, hmm, where is X, she was preparing their tea!! She just never seems to sit down, whenever I go on other playdates The mums sit and have a cuppa with me. I dont expect to be waited on and of course the children need attention but i just find it all such hard work.

I already cried off a play date last week, i dont want to be mean

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 25/02/2009 10:53

not happy to do that tbh and i don't think she would like it either (the other mum) besides, then i would owe her babysitting!! Stuff that, the kids a nightmare!

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 25/02/2009 10:53

faff about with her

Dropdeadfred · 25/02/2009 10:55

why not say 'yes that would be nice, but I'm feeling quite tired today so we won't stay long. if I bring a cake we can sit down and have a coffee and a chat can't we?'

if that doesn't work then next time refuse the invite or tell her you're daughter can go but you are busy

Thankyouandgoodnight · 25/02/2009 10:56

Can you say with an evil charming glint in your eye - 'as long as you promise to sit down and have a cup of tea with me - we'll go in time for you to start cooking your kids dinner.....'

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 25/02/2009 10:57

I have my own house to clean!!! lol I think its sort of "oh good, LEM is watching the kids, i'll catch up with housework" type faffing

OP posts:

SammyK · 25/02/2009 10:58

Can't you go to a nearby park/playgroun/soft play?

I would go, but only for an hour, explain you are worn out but it would be good to meet up and have a quick coffee. Or say, can we make it next week.

bellavita · 25/02/2009 10:59

I think what fred has suggested is a good idea.

thetoddlermaimer · 25/02/2009 11:08

maybe she just doesnt get the whole play dates thing...that children play and parents chat. does she have anyother chilren over for playdates? maybe she just doesnt know playdate eticet (excuse spelling!!!)
i have 4 boys over once a month...plus mummies they play and we chat, yet friends of mine have said the same about other playdates. yet one commented that another parent dropped her son around and left, bearing in mind that my friend had only had a new Ds 2 weeks before, and when she went around to her house she did the same as your playdates mum, went off and prepared tea, she has just been avoiding her recently!
like previously said i would just subtly suggest that you sit and have a coffee etc or that you wont stay long as you have to get home to do dinner.

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 25/02/2009 11:11

Im going to suggest that we meet up later - after lunch, i just cant cope with the bedlam around her house at lunch - food throwing and general screaming and shouting, and thats from her 4 year old!

OP posts:

puffling · 25/02/2009 11:22

I don't think I could face much of that sort of situation. If I was you, I'd have them round to yours (whether tidy or not) or try to cut back on visits there.

SlartyBartFast · 25/02/2009 11:30

perhaps outdoors would be better.. no faffing around then

unpaidworker · 25/02/2009 11:50

It depends on wether you want to nuture either the relationship that DD has with her 'mate' or the relationship you have with the mum. I think that she is pretty rude to get on with jobs while you act as a mother's help! I would be inclined to ditch the whole set up but if you don't want to, why not arrange a meet up at soft play the park etc?

NorbertDentressangle · 25/02/2009 11:57

I would suggest meeting at the park -claim that you and DD both need some fresh air.

ABetaDad · 25/02/2009 12:13

Isn't the idea of a play date that you drop your child and then go out to lunch, work, shop, or just generally enjoy yourself - then go back later to collect?

Why are you staying as well LucyEllensmummy?

troutpout · 25/02/2009 12:33

Is your daughter really little? why are you going too lucy?
if school age i would let her go on her own. If not...i would go but only stay for a short time (hour perhaps) if it was too stressful.
Think of it like this though...she hasn't asked you to look after them while she's busy has she...i'm guessing you feel like you ought to entertain them or keep order. Other people have different standards of what is acceptable in their house (particularly when other children are visiting and everyone gets a bit excited) Is it because you think they are being badly behaved and then step in?
Does she seem uncomfortable with their behaviour? if not then perhaps try to chill and don't step into the role of keeping order while you are there.
Might work

troutpout · 25/02/2009 12:34

other than that...yes the park is a good idea
Neutral territory...and you can leave easily if it all gets a bit much.

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 25/02/2009 12:42

update; I decided on the neutral territory thing, so i suggested swimming, the mum didnt want to as apparently some other friends were going to her house. I cried off saying i was quite busy so PHEW!!

To be honest, everyone seems to do it this way - go visiting and let the kids get on with it, but this woman has a younger son which she actually asks me could i just keep an eye on him etc. I dont think she means to be rude and i dont mind as such but i just find the whole thing knackering and stressful and i don't need it.

We have arranged to take the kids to the park on Friday. Much less pressure all round i think.

I have to say that im not keen on the relationship between the two DDs. As i say, my DD is no angel and the other girl is quite manipulative and tends to "rule" DD. I think its all a bit one sided tbh.

I like the mum really i do, but its difficult to establish a rapport when i don't often get to finish a sentence!!

OP posts:

deckchair · 25/02/2009 14:14

Glad you got is sorted out LEM.
A similar thing happened to me once, my "friend" spent time preparing a dinner party meal and ignored her children, my children and me.
I ditched both the mother and dd's friend as it soon became apparent that it was a one sided friendship.

unpaidworker · 25/02/2009 15:14

Glad you got out of it .... today. If I were you from your update I would ditch them all together especially as it does not seem a healthy relationship between the DC.

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 25/02/2009 16:08

trouble is, how do you ditch someone without ditching them and hurting their feelings? The woman is relatively new to the area but she does have lots of friends it would seem (either that or she doesn't feel she can spend time alone with her children, as she tried to make me feel guilty once when i couldnt go round because her DP had the car! and she would be in all day - I was taking my DD to the ballpark and offered her to come, but she thought it was too far to walk - i walked, despite it being a further 20 minutes from my house!

Mind you, im giving it all away here - if she reads this she is going to hate me.

TBH, its not that i dont ever want to go to her house, but its all the time, at least once a week and im a bit "delicate" just now (im in counselling for depression and doing really well, and learning to be kind to MYSELF - including learning to say no, but not doig very well at that). I dont mind the odd play date, but one a week is enough for me and DD has other friends too - too much and it all fries my brain!

OP posts:

unpaidworker · 25/02/2009 16:15

I think you have hit the nail on the head, learning to be kind to YOURSELF. Yes her feelings may be hurt but thats life, we have all been on both ends of this and she will get over it.

I have recently decided to ditch a 'friend' for different reasons and do not want to hurt her feelings either but feel it is for the best for me and my child (i think). Good luck whatever you decide.

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