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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has given DS his dummy after we spent last night going cold turkey.

13 replies

grumblingirl · 22/10/2008 12:48

AIBU to be a bit ? We didn't give him his dummy at all last night because he is night waking constantly for it. Have just phoned MIL (she looks after him on 1 of the days I work) to check how it's going after explaining that I didn't want him to have it anymore for naps. I must have left one in the bag and she gave him it to go to sleep in the car because he was 'niggling a bit'. My heart sank when she told me because I'm worried it might have undone all the hard work we did last night. She said she took it out after he went to sleep.

I'm so fed up - was feeling so positive about it all too. I do feel a bit unreasonable for moaning about it though because she's having to deal with him. Do you think I should mention it?

OP posts:
lizandlulu · 22/10/2008 12:49

yanbu, i would be gutted too

Original poster
grumblingirl · 22/10/2008 12:52

I'll look like a total ungrateful cow though if I ask her not to do it again won't I? I'm not being pfb here (he's my second so I can't be ) but I am gutted. She's quite sensitive and dp is a bit of a defender of his mother so I'll rock the very precarious apple cart if I say anything.

OP posts:
onetiredmummy · 22/10/2008 12:55

I would be annoyed yeah. You did really well last night & made a point of telling her the dummy had gone. But perhaps when she found it she assumed you had it in there 'just in case' for her to use. Perhaps take it out & re-iterate to her next week that its gone.

Surely it doesn't matter if she takes it out once he's asleep, as the association with dummy = sleep is still there so it wouldn't make any difference.

lizandlulu · 22/10/2008 12:57

you cant dont do what you want to do , just to please you mil. he cant have a dummy forever can he

sandcastles · 22/10/2008 13:00

How old is your ds?

I think it would depend on how he is likely to behave if he doesn't have it.

If he will be upset, crying & hard to settle for a nap, I would let her give him it.

IMO it would be expecting too much to ask her to cope with this if he has only just given it up/still trying to give it up.

If she is happy to deal with the fall out [which she doesn't seem to be as she gave in easily], then of course you should tell her not to give him it.

BloodAndMutts · 22/10/2008 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aitch · 22/10/2008 13:04

no, it's your fault for leaving you mil to deal with a new regime. she only looks after him 1 day, you should have it cracked by next week.

Original poster
grumblingirl · 22/10/2008 13:04

No, I know. I know she's not done it to be malicious (well I'd hope not anyway!)Seems a bit strange though because I was obviously sooo happy about it and directly told her that I was glad that he was no longer using a dummy. I'm an idiot for not checking the bag.

OP posts:
sandcastles · 22/10/2008 13:07

Posted before I finished..

When dd gave up her dummy she was hard to settle for 3/4 nights. It took me lying with her, creating new associations for sleep & much distraction to take her mind off the dummy association. I wouldn't expect anyone to go through that on my behalf.

In all honesly, I think that he will be harder for her to settle as he will just want you & the comfort that you can provide in the place of a dummy. You are taking away his comfort & maybe MIL won't be enough in it's place.

Maybe it might work better to find a block of a few days when you/dh can be his sole carers while he goes through this new transition?

onthewarpath · 22/10/2008 13:45

YABU.You should have exlained MIL things well enough for her to get the message. She looks after DS 1 day a week maybe she wants to enjoy that time with him rather than hearing him "naggle". any way, do not leave one in the bag next time.

WigWamBam · 22/10/2008 13:49

Like some of the other posters, I think it was a bit unfair of you to choose the day she was looking after him to be his first day without his dummy - knowing that he would be unsettled, maybe it would have been better to have done it on a day when you were looking after him.

You'd probably have given it to him as well ...

Original poster
grumblingirl · 22/10/2008 14:22

TBH and in defense of myself last night wasn't a planned 'no dummy' night. It kind of turned into cold turkey because ds2's bag (with dummy in) was left at karate and I put him to bed before dp and ds1 got back from karate and then we ran with it because he'd gone to bed without it. Had I planned it I would have picked a weekend to do it but this is not what happened and I just felt MIL could have been a bit more supportive about it. I certainly wouldn't have chosen to leave him with her in this transition period but I had to work. I thought with the progress he made last night it would be good to send him the signal that the dummy has gone. I DID explain this in very clear terms to her onthewarpath.

OP posts:
Wigglesworth · 23/10/2008 10:47

I would have been royally pissed off too but you did leave the dummy in there. Maybe she thought it was there for emergencies, she was probably doing what she thought was best.
Give her the benefit of the doubt, re-explain to her no dummy and don't leave one in the bag. If he is really upset without his dummy couldn't you arrange to take a few days off work so that you have time to help him get used to the no dummy thing? At least then he will be more settled when he has to be looked after by your MIL.
If she gives him a dummy again after all this i.e. she goes out and buys one then you would have every right to be upset.

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