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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP is selfish

16 replies

readyfornum2 · 15/10/2008 14:39

I am fuming
I am housesitting for my mum for 2 weeks while they are on holiday but have been going back to my own house every couple of days for post and stuff and while I was there today I accepted a delivery for DP, It was a Dell box and I was confused because as far as I knew we hadnt ordered anything!

Dp has just rung while on his lunch break and it turns out he has ordered a new computer monitor costing £300!! I am furious because he hasnt bothered to ask me, we certainly dont need a new monitor especially one that is so expensive!!
Even worse is the fact that he said the money is coming from his tax return, the tax return that he still hasnt actually filled out!!

We are supposed to be ttc#2 and I have recently mentioned us getting married (been engaged just over 3 years) and he said we couldnt afford it at the moment which is fair enough, until he turns round and wastes money on luxuries!! He has already bought a laptop which I agreed to but now he is taking the piss!!

I have told him not to bother coming back here tonight but I am just fuming!!

AIBU to feel like this and what would you do?

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 15/10/2008 14:43

how important is getting married to you? and to him?
would you wish to be married before having another child?

he says you can't afford to get married but a basic register office job is pennies really compared to £300...or do you want the whole big day?

he is being selfish - but is £300 most of his tax return or just a portion?

mayorquimby · 15/10/2008 14:46

he's selfish for shelling out on luxuries you can't afford.
you're selfish for thinking you can dictate wether or not he returns to your home (assuming it is shared property and not yours alone.if it is yours alone carry on).

Original poster

readyfornum2 · 15/10/2008 15:16

I am staying at my mums and have told him to stay at our own home instead.

I would like to get married sooner rather than later and it would be nice if it was before another baby, I dont want the whole big day thing as we dont have alot of friends and family but he wont get married in a registery office as he thinks its too cheap, I would be more than happy to though.

he will be due to get about a grand but has already had the laptop which was £425, I wanted us to hang on to the rest so that we had some spare cash.
He always says we cant afford to go out for meals/cinema etc but then when he wants something (usually expensive!) he can somehow find the money!

I wouldnt mind but he spent 3 months out of work after we relocated back down south because he wouldnt get off his arse to look for anything and we have just got back on our feet and now he is spending money we could use for other things on stuff we dont need.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 15/10/2008 15:18

what was his reaction? did he admit that it was selfish or does he think that his money is his to spend?

does he want another child?

Original poster

readyfornum2 · 15/10/2008 15:29

He admitted he was selfish but he always does and then goes and does it again!!

He is very money orientated and is very tight until its something HE wants!!

He does want another child and I have waited until he was ready to start ttc (I wanted to start ttc 6 months ago but he said wait so we did)

He said he will send the monitor back but its the fact that he never consults me before doing this kind of thing and yet I have to justify spending money on a newspaper!!

OP posts:

VinegARGHHHTits · 15/10/2008 15:36

So ask him how he would feel if you spent £300 on something for yourslef without consulting him first? YANBU he should discuss big purcahses like that with you first. But i am guessing he knew you would say no so thats why he didnt tell you.

Tryharder · 15/10/2008 15:37

My DP wastes money on gadgets. My XH wasted and probably still wastes money on gadgets.

Like your DP Ready4number2, my DP also thinks meals out/cinema trips are a waste of money.

Perhaps you should book yourself a spa break or other luxury costing £300 and give him a taste of his own medicine.

How do you sort your finances. Do you both work? If you had a joint account for household expenses and a joint savings account for the wedding into which you both paid set amounts, you could then spend the leftover amount on whatever you pleased.

Original poster

readyfornum2 · 15/10/2008 15:39

Exactly- he knew I wouldnt agree so he did it behind my back and thought I wouldnt find out!!

I got moaned at the other day for buying some milk (rather than waiting 5 hours for him to finish work and bring some home)

He has said he will buy me what I want from the tax rebate but he wont listen that I dont want him to spend it on me- I want him to keep hold of it!!

OP posts:

Original poster

readyfornum2 · 15/10/2008 15:58

TRYHARDER- We have seperate accounts, He pays for the house and bills etc.
I only work part time so I pay for playgroup/childcare and a few little extras here and there.

My parents have said they will pay for the wedding but he wont let them because he says w should pay for ourselves, but he wont actually save towards it.
Infact the mor I think about it maybe he is just making excuses because he doesnt want to get married

OP posts:

krib · 15/10/2008 16:03

OMG, yes he is being selfish and a complete and utter child. BUT, also sounds like he is avoiding responsibility BIG TIME, and I'm sorry to say this, marrying you.

You say your parents offered to pay for the wedding. He doesn't want them to, yet can't be arsed to save up himself - doesn't that tell you something?

bossykate · 15/10/2008 16:05

wholeheartedly agree with krib. i wouldn't be having another child with this guy. the £300 dell is the least of your worries imvho.

Original poster

readyfornum2 · 15/10/2008 16:08

Looks like I need to get some advice on what to do next then
I really thought that things were starting to get better for us and then he starts with the selfish behaviour again.

OP posts:

beanieb · 15/10/2008 16:11

Would I be fuming? No - my money is my money, my OH's money is his.

However, if we had childcare to pay for or mouths to feed and we had agreed to share those costs then I would be a bit pissed off.

VinegARGHHHTits · 15/10/2008 16:15

Sorry to say it but i agree with BK and krib, i would be seriously re- thinking dc#2

misshardbroom · 15/10/2008 16:22

YANBU

It's not really about whether or not you can afford it (although I totally agree that's a major factor).

It's about him going off and spending a substantial amount of money on something that will primarily be for his benefit alone, while you are scrimping and saving for the things that are important to you.

The more children you have, the less money there is, and the more important it is that you're both on the same page, financially speaking.

Resolve this before you think about getting married or having dc2... trust me, I am speaking from bitter personal experience!

lilacclaire · 15/10/2008 16:32

Reading your post, puts me in mind of a post in the relationships topic, you may want to read it here before you decide on marriage or another child.

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