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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think women should make the effort to have sex with their partner regularly even if they're tired/not in the mood?

202 replies

milene · 26/09/2008 11:55

So often I've read on mn mothers saying they barely have sex since they had children since they are always tired or don't feel like it. But really, how much effort does it take once or twice a week? You need to work on relationships, and sex is an important part of it. And the more often you do it, the more often you feel in the mood.

If you don't have sex with your husband, it'll be no shock if he finds someone else who will.

OP posts:
CherryChapstick · 26/09/2008 11:57

Think you may have openned a can of worms here.
Will watch with interest.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/09/2008 11:58

Okaaaaay...

Not thrilled at the way you've put it, but there is some truth in saying that the more you have it, the more you want it I think.

The finding someone else bit

orangina · 26/09/2008 11:59

I'm sure you'll find many people joining this thread in an instant, applauding you for your understanding of an issue that is never complex....

(yawn)

mumblechum · 26/09/2008 11:59

I'm with you, Milene. Unless there's some medical reason or the dh is being an utter arse, I think reasonably regular shaggings (once a week at least) are important to keep the relationship going. It's not just for the man's benefit either, it helps the relationship in lots of ways imo.

emj23 · 26/09/2008 11:59

Well, men have these needs, you see. It's a woman's job to just lie back and think of England.

What year is it again?

DarrellRivers · 26/09/2008 12:00

There was a woman who had sex with her husband every day for a year as his birthday present.
Tis the other extreme and it sounded too much
Life is a balance, ups and downs yadiyadiya
Sometimes you have loads of sex, sometimes less, it's called a relationship

expatinscotland · 26/09/2008 12:00

He didn't marry me for sex anymore than I did.

He doesn't measure the success of our relationship and marriage by how many times a week we have sex.

He is an equal partner when it comes to bringing up our children, including tedious chores that go along with that like housework and food preparation.

That's what makes me want to have sex with him.

If he used lack of 'regular' sex as an excuse to fuck someone else, I'd consider myself well-rid of such an individual.

rosbif · 26/09/2008 12:00

Think this may well be a troll, a male one at that...

DarrellRivers · 26/09/2008 12:01

And I think if you are both adults, then you work at making that relationship work, which means both partners make compromises on how much is the right amount of sex.
OP slightly dogmatic with her approach

mumblechum · 26/09/2008 12:02

But that's why I qualified my agreement with "as long as the man isn't being an arse". Obviously if he is, then no one's going to critcise the woman for not doing anything.

coppertop · 26/09/2008 12:02

And so presumably if the wife has an affair it's the husband's fault for not shagging her enough?

stretchmarkqueen · 26/09/2008 12:03

hmmmm, see what you mean......

How is having half-hearted sex frequently better than good sex occasionally? It's dishonest for a start. My dp would be quite annoyed with me if I pretended I wanted sex when I really didn't. He likes to have sex with me, not just sex iyswim? Sex is for the couple, not just for the male.

Also, if it got to be a problem, then he knows where the bathroom is!!

gingerninja · 26/09/2008 12:03

What an odd marriage you must have if it is defined by your genitals.

Honestly, if they're not worried about how often they have sex, why should you on their behalf?

mazzystar · 26/09/2008 12:03

Libido is definitely "use it or lose it".

I agree with that bit.

Rest is tripe, mind.

handlemecarefully · 26/09/2008 12:04

I think I would rephrase your OP to say : "...that men and women should make the effort to have sex with their partner regularly"... (i.e. not just 'women' - as that offends my sensibilities somewhat)

because I think there is some truth in the suggestion that sex helps foster greater intimacy and a dearth of sex ultimately can take it's toll on an otherwise good relationship

(bugger....I'll have to get those candles and soft music out tonight again, sigh)

mayorquimby · 26/09/2008 12:04

sits back and rubs hand expectedly.

fwiw i do agree to a point with your last line.
while i'm not suggesting that women have a duty to have sex/service their partners as that is a pretty subservient role for anyone to take. i do agree with you that a partnership between someone with a high sex drive and someone with a low/non-existant sex drive are bound to encounter trouble at some point. so when i see posts saying things along the lines of "i'd say we've had sex 2 times in 18 months, i just don't have the energy" i do feel bad for the other partner be it a man or woman.as they are somewhat trapped, especially if it is post-baby and it's the man wanting sex.
no matter what they will be painted as a dickhead. if they pester for sex the woman will be on here complaining "can't he take the hint ffs", if he is honestand says it is likely to cause them to break up he's a dickhead to because he's either a)dumping his partner over not getting enough sex or b)emotionally blackmailing his partner into sex which is not good.
or finally he can stray,which in my book is not defendable as you should have enough respect for the person your with to be honest and say we're over i need to see other peopele etc.

can't beieve i fed a troll that much

DanJARMouse · 26/09/2008 12:05

Im with Expat on this.

Me and DH have an understanding. Some weeks we have sex every night, other times it could be once a month.

Doesnt mean we love each other any less or are looking for other sexual partners.

Marriage is about SOOOOOOOOO much MORE than sex!

gingerninja · 26/09/2008 12:05

Just to add, what kind of man wants to have sex with a woman doing it out of a sense of obligation and not because she wants to? You may as well have a wank. I wouldn't want to be married to someone like that.

Oblomov · 26/09/2008 12:06

Disagree.
But it doesn't need to be once a week. and willing good sex, is totally different/better to doing it out if necessity.

handlemecarefully · 26/09/2008 12:06

Well it might well be a troll, but it's an interesting enough topic to discuss I reckon, irrespective of its' origin

Original poster
milene · 26/09/2008 12:06

Well, it seems frequency of sex is an issue in lots of marriages, with husbands complaining or feeling it's too infrequent. Many women have admitted this on mumsnet.

Expat - I'm not with my partner "for sex" either, and we participate equally in all the tedious household chores, but sex is an important element of a relationship.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/09/2008 12:06

i think the majority of the time, there's a partner involved who expects life to carry on exactly as it did before the child/children arrived and also doesn't do his/her fair share regarding the house and childcare.

then the other person is knackered and quite rightly pretty pissed off.

Oblomov · 26/09/2008 12:07

Doing it out of necessity isn't a good idea.
How about marrying someone with compatable sex drives, in the first place. That might be a good place to start.

foxytocin · 26/09/2008 12:07

Wow. OP is a fountain of insight.

mumblechum · 26/09/2008 12:07

But that's why I qualified my agreement with "as long as the man isn't being an arse". Obviously if he is, then no one's going to critcise the woman for not doing anything.

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