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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think women should make the effort to have sex with their partner regularly even if they're tired/not in the mood?

202 replies

milene · 26/09/2008 11:55

So often I've read on mn mothers saying they barely have sex since they had children since they are always tired or don't feel like it. But really, how much effort does it take once or twice a week? You need to work on relationships, and sex is an important part of it. And the more often you do it, the more often you feel in the mood.

If you don't have sex with your husband, it'll be no shock if he finds someone else who will.

OP posts:
Buda · 27/09/2008 08:43

Can you tell my DH that OP?

Buda · 27/09/2008 08:44

Sorry - does it work both ways? should he do it if he doesn't feel like it? Cos in our house it is him that isn't into it.

noddyholder · 27/09/2008 08:44

Sometimes 'going through the motions' is all it takes to re ignite a bit of a spark.This is not prostituting yourself it is just getting back in the saddle if sex has taken a bit of a back seat for a while

shoedweller · 27/09/2008 08:45

Completely agree Noddyholder. I think some people get into a rut where they forget that they enjoy it and need to give it a go.

GreenMonkies · 27/09/2008 08:54

"what kind of man wants to have sex with a woman doing it out of a sense of obligation and not because she wants to? You may as well have a wank. I wouldn't want to be married to someone like that. "

Out of interest, are we supposed to put on a Meg Ryan style fake orgasm performance when servicing our mans needs out of duty, and then enjoy it for real when we are doing it because we actually want to? Or are we allowed to doze/read a book/watch tv/write a shopping list during these duty fucks?

shoedweller · 27/09/2008 08:58

If you're not enjoying it just stop but give yourself a chance to enjoy it in the first place.

kittywise · 27/09/2008 10:30

I think the majority of men are quite happy to have a shag regardless of how interested their partner is. Most men aren't interested in lovey dovey sex, they want a shag

moyasmum · 27/09/2008 10:45

sadly agree with kittywise

mylittlesubatomicparticle · 27/09/2008 11:05

rebelmum1: "if you're having to discuss it your doing something wrong"

I disagree. I think the most successful relationships communicate, often, and well thought out ideas - and that definitely includes what they think about sex.

My worst time was pregnancy - I was very sick (hyperemesis) and had complications (major bleed, pre-eclampsia, cholestasis). I still did it at times, for my (now ex) DP - because I knew it was imporant to HIM. I would do anything, within reason, that was important to my partner - listen to him talk about his day, wash the car, cook him a nice meal. And, if they are worth being with, vice versa.

The OP was badly phrased, but sadly true. But then I have a strong libido - so pregnancy and the immediate weeks after are my only comparison.

All aspects need communication. Why not sex?

HRHSaintMamazon · 27/09/2008 11:10

cannot read the full thread just now but i can't leave without respondnig to the OP.

so you basicly believe that laying back and thinking of England will lead to a happy relationship? because sex is all a man requires, not intimacy and affection?

Yes i agree that many women do seem to think that sex is unimportant and a man is wrong for wanting to indulge in it. but at the same time if a woman does not want to have sex she shouuld not feel obliged to.

cory · 27/09/2008 11:27

Ah, you would have got on well with my old GP, Milene .

When I was breaking down in her surgery, as a new Mum with a small failure-to-thrive baby, who was too weak to breastfeed, whose ribs were showing, the flesh melting off her- her medical priority was that I should go into hospital to have my fanjo restitched: 'because the best gift you can give your baby is a father'!

Meaning that dh would naturally get up and leave his family, if his wife's bits were no longer satisfactory. Nice.

When I hear these tales about men who go out and have affairs when their wife is too tired from looking after small children, my question is not why she doesn't find energy- it's why he does??? Surely if he was doing his fair share, he'd be knackered too?

If the mother is knackered from looking after baby and the father is not- then there's something wrong as far as I'm concerned.

shoedweller · 27/09/2008 18:59

You are right Cory they should both be knackered. But being knackered should not ba an excuse. When you have small kids both partners desire and opportunity are not going to coincide. you have to take the opportunity and create the desire.

ivykaty44 · 27/09/2008 19:05

Thehedgewitch makes a lot of sense, why should one person in the relationship be allowed to have their feelings be put first before the other persons?

Pushpinia · 27/09/2008 19:37

Ivykaty - I said this earlier, not sure if it makes sense:

'But Hedgewitch, just turn it around - if you forced DH not to have sex, surely that is not so bad as him forcing you to have it?

That's why the usual thing is to go with the person who doesn;t want it.'

ie to enforce a 'no sex' situation is not comparable to enforcing a 'sex' situation iyswim.

Pushpinia · 27/09/2008 19:39

You could take it further still...if some random bloke on the street fancies you and wants to have sex with you, why should his feelings not come before your wishes not to have sex with him?

Pushpinia · 27/09/2008 19:40

Although I do understand that in a loving relationship, someone who isn;t really up for it might offer it in order to do their partner a favour. There is nothing wrong with that if they want to but personally I would not want to be placated in such a manner. It really does take two imo.

ivykaty44 · 27/09/2008 20:31

Because he is random and not a someone, why would I have sex with a random there is no partnership, shared love or any loyalty to a random bloke.

But if the usual thing is to go with the person who doesn't want to do something then it is going to be a difficult relationship. If someone doesn't want to go on holiday then you both dont go and this could go on and on. A comprimise would be better and sort out what is happening so both parts of the partnership are happy. Rather than one person happy with the situation and the other person not happy with the situation.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/09/2008 20:38

ah so you mean if i dont sleep with dh he will bugger off to some one else?

my dh would never do that. i could withhold sex for years and he would not do that. because he has more respect than that not only for me but also for himself. so nur!

no one should feel they 'have' to have sex to for any reason let alone to 'keep thier man happy' or whatever rubbish it is that you are trying to spout now be a good a little troll and f*ck off back under the rock you crawled out from.

ivykaty44 · 27/09/2008 21:03

why would you want to withold sex for years? that is not part of a two way relationship to withold something that the other partner wants - is it?

LittleBella · 27/09/2008 21:10

"If the mother is knackered from looking after baby and the father is not- then there's something wrong as far as I'm concerned."

Spot on Cory.

And as for it being "no excuse" - FFS no human being with bodily integrity should need an excuse for not having their body used for someone else's pleasure without reference to their's.

FairLadyRantALot · 27/09/2008 21:22

I think, again, people are trying to put oldfashioned values into modern day life....because, whiles life in teh olden days was difficult....but, back then a new mother would not have been expected to keep perfect house look after everything and also "serve" their master, erm husband....

we now are in a society where it is normal to be autonome with those things, and that means that mums will be knackered....there is no period of recupoeration after birth, we go home and are expected to do everything....it is stupid...cory had a very good point...
thing is, nightfeeds are tiring, why else would there be so many...need to get 5 week old sleeping through threads....teh whole hormonal changes are tiring, giving birth is tiring....but we are not given the break....

policywonk · 27/09/2008 21:33

IMO (and these things are inevitably very personal, so other people might well think differently), sex isn't like going on holiday, or having a lie-in, or having a preference for beef over chicken, or any of the other things that you might have to compromise over in a long-term relationship. For me at least, having sex when I simply don't want to (but with my consent, obv.) is a deeply miserable experience. On the few occasions when I have made myself go through the motions, I have found it really upsetting and unpleasant.

I think it's more reasonable to say that if one partner doesn't want sex and the other does, then both should be willing to take some steps to address the underlying disparity, via relationship counselling or something along those lines. But no one should have sex if they really don't want to, and to say that they should is plain weird.

twinsetandpearls · 27/09/2008 21:34

In a previous relationship my partner wanted much less sex than me and I eneded up having a string of affairs as I loved my partner deeply but am someone with a high sex drive. Looking back I should ahve just left him as the fact he did not wamt sex with me was a sign there was something fundamentally wrong. It is however quite soul destroying to be repeatedly turned down for sex.

Dp and I go through phases of being rampant and doing it a couple of times a day to then not doing it for a week or two. We are not getting on at the moment so the sex is not really happening. For us regular sex is a sign that we are getting on and it brings us closer and therefore I think both partners should make an effort but not to do something they wouldn't want to do. I would hate the idea of dp having sex with me out of obligation.

I do buy the arguement thought that the more sex you have the more you want. I can think of times that I have not been that bothered about sex, usually because I am tired but have known that perhaps we have not done it in a while and have gone along for the ride ( literally ) and within a few minutes I am an enthusiatic partner. I know that dp has done the same with me.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/09/2008 21:35

well i wouldnt want to all im saying is that if i did dh would not stray. if i went off sex then yes i would not give it to him. something that intimate should not be done through duty.

twinsetandpearls · 27/09/2008 21:42

I think if I went off sex dp would just get very frustrated but would not stray, which is just as well as he aint getting it at the moment.

I am not sure I would stay in a relationship that did not include sex at regular intervals.