to think women should make the effort to have sex with their partner regularly even if they're tired/not in the mood?

[milene]

So often I've read on mn mothers saying they barely have sex since they had children since they are always tired or don't feel like it. But really, how much effort does it take once or twice a week? You need to work on relationships, and sex is an important part of it. And the more often you do it, the more often you feel in the mood.

If you don't have sex with your husband, it'll be no shock if he finds someone else who will.

[mou]

Problem is those other ways just leave me feeling horny!!. I don't put any pressure on if he's not in the mood but it is horribly frustrating. sometimes i think of other things but mostly........there we go!!!!

[expatinscotland]

'mn mothers'

'if you don't have sex with your husband . . .'

yes, it's all the women's fault they don't pencil in a set number of times a week for sex.

troll or man, or both, you decide.

and i've noticed a few of the people on here who agree also post regularly about partners and spouses who don't treat them with very much respect at all.

[pagwatch]

Fair enough Barbie.

Post that again in twenty years time with same OH.

And my DH is my friend and i am his.

If you spend your whole life with nothing difficult or challenging springing up and knocking many different areas of your life then you will be very very lucky indeed.
It does happen. But life can be difficult and peoples emotional response is not always stay the same.Sometimes emotions and events can affect our capacity for intimacy and can affect our sexuality.It happens. It is not weird.

weird is a pretty niave ( and if I may say so ) simplistic reaction.

[VictorianSqualor]

Good point Expat.
I've said 'partners' specifically because I don't think it need be a gender issue, but there are people on here whose partners don't treat them great (or just whinge about it on MN more) that are agreeing.
I do hope that's not how their partner has made them think.

I do agree that people should make more effort, but if DP wasn't treating em well he wouldn't get a quick shake of the wrist let alone a full on chandelier swinging session.

[mou]

You are right expat, makes it even worse, needing it physically but feeling insecure about relationship is confusing. And I haven't found a way to switch it off. However i am now going to hide in a cupboard for a fortnight as I am not usually this forthright!!

[orangehead]

Yes sex is an important part of a relationship and like most parts of a relationship effort is required from both parties. But it is only a part. Great caution is required, neither parties should ever feel pressurized to have sex if they really dont want too.

[LittleBella]

No, women shouldn't have to make the effort to have sex regularly.

Men should ask themselves why a woman doesn't want to. It's usually something to do with the de-eroticising process of picking up his effing socks and not having an orgasm when she does "make the effort".

Pick up your socks, do your own ironing, load the dishwasher without expecting a fecking sticker for it, and make sure your DP has an orgasm every time she shags (just like you do), and you'll soon find you have sex just as often as you want, OP.

[bloomingfedup]

OP - hope your DH never leaves you or will that be all you fault for not haveing his tea on the table, ironing his shirts etc.

[suey2]

I do agree to an extent. With a 9 month old i am still breastfeeding, i could, quite frankly, been happy not to do it at all. But i want cuddles and affection. I have made myself do it roughly fortnightly and really enjoyed it.

[pushchair]

Hesitant to enter the fray here but here goes- I have a very low libido. I usually have little interest in sex it just does not occur to me. Sometimes I positively am repulsed by the idea, often when I feel under pressure to 'perform'. Occasionally I am really in the mood. My Dp has stuck with me through thick and thin. He says he loves me that is why. He does suffer though and it can cause strain in our relationship-but we agree that it is not good to just 'do it'. There are so many angles to this situation like-would you want to make someone do something they didnt want to do? How would you feel if your partner was injured and couldn't have sex- would you leave them-of course not. There is more to a partnership than sex. My Dp is more than my friend. I owe him the respect to try and understand how he is feeling and to listen to him. I do not think I 'owe' him sex. almost complete lack of sex drive is not socially acceptable and i do not go about broadcasting the fact. My close rl friends think that I am freak and all immediatly[sp] reacted with oh poor DP. Sorry a bit rambling.

[noddyholder]

I agree it isup to both to make the effort def not just the woman.

[Upwind]

Pushchair "...we agree that it is not good to just 'do it'. There are so many angles to this situation like-would you want to make someone do something they didnt want to do?"

See this is what I don't understand, why is it not good to just do it to please your partner? For me, like other women, libido really is use it or lose it. If we stop having sex for a while, which we have (and yes it did mean there were problems), I lose my libido.

I'd never want to make someone do something they didn't want to do, but sometimes my OH has made himself do things to please me and I've done the same for him. Dreading the thought of sexual intimacy suggests a problem, but a lack of sex drive is probably entirely normal. Your friends are idiots.

[rebelmum1]

Look foreplay begins with the washing up if you ask me

[rebelmum1]

I think the effort needs to be made on both sides, if a P want's the sex they should make the effort to get someone in the mood... if you're having to discuss it your doing something wrong

[rebelmum1]

your doing something very wrong if you resort to winging.. hardly a turn on is it?

[mrsruffallo]

What nonsense
Find someone else that will?
It's a marraige, not a job

[MsSparkle]

I don't think it's sex that is the most important thing, i think it's intimacy and just being together.

It's all too easy to stop trying once you have children so i think it's important to have alone time together, even if it's just once a month to keep that intimacy and togetherness alive.

In some cases you get couples who spend years together bringing up the children. The thing is though. the couple aren't really together, they just have a routine. Then when the children grow up and fly the nest, the couple then don't know how to be together because they have lost that all inportant intimacy and closeness and they then realise the only thing they now have in common is the children. So unfortunatly, many couples in this situation end up spliting, even though they have been "together" for many years.

[pushchair]

My partner does not want to have sex with someone who is 'just doing it' and he would be aware that I probably was feeling tense under those conditions.
As far as 'use it or lose it' goes, that doesnt seem to apply to me since when we do have sex, when I am in the mood it can be a one off and nothing for weeks after

[PoppyFox]

If their partner is making all the efforts that he should be making too. If he's a lazy wanchor and you feel resentful, then don't make any effort at all.

[mrsruffallo]

I think you should have lots of sex if you want to
OP, why assume it is always the womans problem?

[MadameCastafiore]

Feck off - after I have done the cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, shopping, school run and looked after DS all day why should I have to do anything for someone else if I don't feel like it.

[harleyd]

and if they go off looking for it elsewhere, then good riddance to them

[MadameCastafiore]

Yeah - maybe that someone else can do all the crappy jobs like cleaning the pee off the toilet that they seem to bloody spray everywhere too and wash the fucking hairs out of the sink after they have had a shave!

(Now where is my Eveneing Primrose Oil )

[TheCrackFox]

Well I think the OP was badly worded but there are some truths in it. I don't think sex should be seen as a chore, but something you both enjoy. I find it very depressing when people on MN say they only have sex twice a year or whatever.

I would be devestated if DH rationed me to that. It is not so much the not having sex that would be upsetting but the constant rejection.