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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think women should make the effort to have sex with their partner regularly even if they're tired/not in the mood?

202 replies

milene · 26/09/2008 11:55

So often I've read on mn mothers saying they barely have sex since they had children since they are always tired or don't feel like it. But really, how much effort does it take once or twice a week? You need to work on relationships, and sex is an important part of it. And the more often you do it, the more often you feel in the mood.

If you don't have sex with your husband, it'll be no shock if he finds someone else who will.

OP posts:
Sycamoretree · 26/09/2008 12:16

I would resent sex I felt compelled to have to keep my DH happy. It would be crap, I would get nothing out of it, and I would come to associate our sex life with crap sex and it would go downhill from there.

I am totally in the quality not quantity camp. When the mood strike us, it is fantastic and we are like teenagers again, and more than likely it will be everynight then for a few nights, until something breaks the pattern. Then it might not be for another 2 months. Big whoop. My DH is NOT complaining. If he did, he wouldn't be the type of man I married. Obviously things change when you have children.

Oh yes, of course you should give yourself over the needs of others all day, then do the same in the bed every night. Don't worry, you'll still retain a sense of self somewhere along the line...won't you?

Tortington · 26/09/2008 12:16

i have a different take.

i think its almost acceptable to say - "i haven't had sex since 1985"

i always think AAAAAAAAAAAARGH

sexles women of the universe, you are missing out on so much pleasure

if its a medical problem - then go see the doctor

i think its all too easy to say " my sex drive has gone" and not do anythng about it.

the way this thread is titled makes it sound like a chore

and it so shouldn't be a chore

and it shouldnt be a "must have sex or else he will find it somewhere else" becuase if that applies then that applies to women too.

men have urges

WOMEN DO TOO! we are allowed to like sex - and i think its become almost acceptable to say - oh i dont have sex very often

this post is very disjointed.

but it isn't
lay back and think of england
a chore
something to keep your man

it is

something grat wonderful and good
and something that if you don't and you can - you should
and if you dont and its medical - then go see about it

sex is good
and women are allowed to like it and want it and crave it as must as men do

If my husband had an erectile dysfunction problem on a long term basis - it would have a detrimental efect to our relationship

sex isn't the whole of a relationship

but its an important part and i pity women who dont get to enjoy that side of a relationship

Lizzylou · 26/09/2008 12:16

Actually, in our marriage it me who has the (far) highest sex drive, I still married Dh though, I just bought a spin dryer

girlsallaround · 26/09/2008 12:16

i don't think that all the excuses about your partner being less suitable in your eyes after having kids than he was before make any sense. maybe if you continued being attracted to them you would feel they are more readily being better partners as per your standards

handlemecarefully · 26/09/2008 12:16

Sorry Oblomov - but I've seen many threads on Mn where posters have complained about their dh's not doing enough around the house / being selfish / insert what you will... and usually someone says "why didn't you think about this before you married him". It's one of my bugbears!

Original poster
milene · 26/09/2008 12:17

I'm glad to see some people are thinking about this issue and agreeing (even if my original wording was a little insensitive) rather than getting all defensive.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 26/09/2008 12:18

Fallenmadona, point taken, drives do change.

You both have to be happy. Right ?
If you both wanted it 3 times a night pre children, but now one of you only wants to make love/have sex once a year, then atleast lets give this issue the recognition that it deserves.

You have to do 'something' abouyt the issue in that situtation, surely ?

loobeylou · 26/09/2008 12:20

surely this is part of "for better for worse" - there are millions of reasons including bereavement, health, tiredness, stress why partners sex drives do not always match. Too many people give in on relationships too easily over this IMHO

Dh might come in from a good day at the office feeling randy, but after a day of dealing with clearing up cat vomit, kids fighting, other drivers cutting me up, Tesco home delivery forgeting half our stuff etc etc, it is hard to slip into feeling sexy !

It should be perfectly Ok to say "I am glad you find me desirable and i love you to bits too but I am jsut too cross/tired/etc etc" to be in the mood tonight

any DP worth having will accept this

there is always counselling for those who have REAL probs with one never wanting sex again or soemthing, but there are other ways of having a close physical relationship

hecate · 26/09/2008 12:20

Lie back and think of England you mean

No, I don't think so. If it's an 'effort' then something is wrong. Would you really want someone who was lying there and allowing you to relieve yourself with their body because they felt they owed it to you? Little more than an aid to masturbation really.

However, it's a good idea to examine WHY you don't feel like it, and try to do things to change that. But simply opening your legs and telling him to pull your nightie down when he's finished because you owe him an orgasm three times a wee, well, it just isn't right.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/09/2008 12:20

I agree with custy, and I think that while it is easy to fall into a mindset that sees it as another chore or giving yourself over to the needs of others, one way out of that is to well, have sex more often. Rediscover your own needs

hecate · 26/09/2008 12:21

three times a wee?
Altogether different type of sexual pleasure there, I think

Oblomov · 26/09/2008 12:22

No plum, I didn't.
I was to busy to think about it - We were at it like rabbits.

Is this only a an issue, post children then ?

Everyone who has varying drives, were o.k. before, but post children, one partner wants it less/more than the other.

That can't be the case in all realtionships, surely ?

TheFallenMadonna · 26/09/2008 12:23

I'm not arguing with you Oblomov.

I think sex drives are variable and can be influenced by all sorts of things. So ensuring you marry someone with the same sex drive is no assurance.

loobeylou · 26/09/2008 12:24

just to clarify I meant give up on relationships, not give in

ROFL at LizzyLou!!!!!

Oblomov · 26/09/2008 12:24

Also LOL at 'busty brenda' down the road.

girlsallaround · 26/09/2008 12:24

agree with custy and fallenmadonna too. it is always easier to go to sleep and not deal with anything. if you do just go ahead and have sex you might realize its just as fun for you and you will feel better after. better than if you were asleep.

and all those who feel that their dh had an easy day at work while they gave themselves up to chores and being vomitted on/ shopping at tescos/whatever else, this is an unfortunate way of seeing your day to day life

OrmIrian · 26/09/2008 12:35

Well things change. My DH had hair when I met him, he doesn't now. I preferred him with hair. Does that mean I can get arsey about it? No. Ditto my decreased libido.

He and I prefer it when I'm up for it, and that might be once a week. That's me. He loves me - more than he loves his dick and it's needs.

Yes I do feel better after it, and our relationship is better after it. But I feel better after I've cleaned the kitchen cupboards too but I don't suppose I'd be berated on MN for not doing that all the time So yes, sometimes it's a chore, it can be an enjoyable chore, but still a chore.

RoseOfTheOrient · 26/09/2008 12:35

what custy said - I mean, even if I am "tired" or "not in the mood", once we start, I GET in the mood v. quickly! And sex is a great refresher - I always sleep really well after and feel so refreshed the next morning Its a way to forget about all the chores, nightmare shopping trips etc. I often completely forget about the existance of my DCs sleeping in the next room - highly recommended. And I get seriously grumpy if I don't get any for a week or so....
I heart sex!

gingerninja · 26/09/2008 12:36

I agree with Custy but the OP didn't mention enjoying it or it being desired by the woman. Which is where my problem with the thread is. She seems to think of it as a moral duty as a woman, which it isn't, nor should it be.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 26/09/2008 12:37

I think that the lack of sex (sometimes) goes hand in hand with the martyrdom of women that is sometimes expresed on mumsnet.

OrmIrian · 26/09/2008 12:37

custy - I don't think there is any problem with anyone expressing their sexuality these days. Sex is seen as a general good - it's everywhere. It's those who don't want sex, whose choice might be not to bother, that are made to feel guilty or weird.

noddyholder · 26/09/2008 12:39

A sexless relationship must be very hard to sustain.It really is worth the effort to have that bond which differentiates partners from just friends.Not easy when you're knackered but worth it.

Tortington · 26/09/2008 12:44

OrmIrian,

from my own experiences (obviously) in real life its almost crass to admit that you have a good sex life but completely ok to say that you haven't had sex for a while

so i will have to disagree. (sorry)

its not that i think that society at large doesn't cater to or force a cultural image of womans sexuality - it surely does - but down here on planet earth when talking with people no one says " my sex life is stonking" but its acceptable to laugh about or mention NOT having sex i find

OrmIrian · 26/09/2008 12:47

Well I confess to not talking to people in rl about their or my sex lives at all. It's still quite a private thing. But you can be made to feel inadequate for not wanting sex - even without discussing it with anyone.

memoo · 26/09/2008 12:48

If your DP/DH really loves you would he really want you to have sex even if you weren't in the mood.

I wouldn't want to be with any man who put some kind of quota on how many times we shagged. Thats not love!!!