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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think women should make the effort to have sex with their partner regularly even if they're tired/not in the mood?

202 replies

milene · 26/09/2008 11:55

So often I've read on mn mothers saying they barely have sex since they had children since they are always tired or don't feel like it. But really, how much effort does it take once or twice a week? You need to work on relationships, and sex is an important part of it. And the more often you do it, the more often you feel in the mood.

If you don't have sex with your husband, it'll be no shock if he finds someone else who will.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 26/09/2008 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadow · 26/09/2008 16:47

Yes. I have said it before. Women should go through a sexuality changes after having kids and find themselves a female partner. That would solve everything.

Having said that. My sex drive is higher than my dh. It is driving me absolutely MENTAL (I KID YOU NOT) that he works late and I go to bed on my own. It doesnt make me love him less, but my thoughts, they do wander.....

And then I think I should just go and shag my neighbour or something, as I am not getting enough. Errrr NO! It does not work that way.

Tamarto · 26/09/2008 16:50

That is making an awful lot of assumptions, not least the fact that you're blaming the woman for not wanting regular sex.

I'd hate to be with someone who was happy to have sex with me knowing i was only doing it to keep him happy.

SmugColditz · 26/09/2008 16:58

can I take an unusual stance?

When men who have 3 children under 3 have affairs - did they want 3 kids under three? Did they ever predict that they would come home from work to 3 kids under three and a wife who doesn't appear to love them very much?

They shouldn't have affairs, not, but that's not to say that being signed up for a sexless life is fair.

My ex wouldn't have sex with me after we had kids. I don't know why. I never did find out. There is nothing quite like it for making you feel obsolete.

mrsshackleton · 26/09/2008 17:07

I think it is important to make an effort
I don't think if you're not enjoying sex you should go and see the doctor
You are probably just knackered - I tend not to enjoy sex much when it's midnight I've been up since five thirty and will be again in the morning.
I think during those ultra-exhausted years you need to try make time for quickies earlier in the day - easier said than done because it is no fun when you finally hit the sack gagging for sleep and your dh comes over frisky, which mine does every single night.
But to an extent I do just lie back because I think in the long run it's no fun for my dh to be rejected constantly and one day my dcs will hopefully sleep better and I will still want him around.
I have been known to bargain with him that he can have a shag if he gets up with the dcs in the morning though . Quite often it works. if that's archaic and a sell out to my sex, so be it.

lucyellensmum1 · 26/09/2008 18:13

This has to be a joke doesn't it? My DP would be horrified if he thought i was making an effort to have sex with him. Ive gone off it lately due to depression issues and i would really rather not bother when im not in the mood that go through the motions. How is that supposed to be a good thing? Of course, HE should make the effort when I am in the mood and not lay on the sofa snoring his head off like he did last night. There are lots of reasons why people don't want to have sex, too tired, stress, hormones, etc. Yeah, sometimes i have sex with DP if i am not too fussed, but i certainly don't consider it is something that i should make an effort to do. Last time i checked the calender it was 2008 not 1958

sallystrawberry · 26/09/2008 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kiddiz · 26/09/2008 18:17

Am I being unreasonable ..to think that men should make the effort to understand that sometimes their partner might be too tired to have sex and make the b.....y effort to help more so she is less tired and more likely to be "in the mood"!!!!!

FairLadyRantALot · 26/09/2008 18:30

is op a wind up?
TBH I don't think anyone will have much pleasure if one partner isn't really in the mood for it....I mean, I think my dh wants a bit more then just have me open my legs for him.... my dh actually wants me to have fun and that gives him pleasure, and it's the smae for me...so, just hvaing it for the sake of it really would be pointless, and it reduces it to a purely physical and mechanical act.
We prefer quality over quantity....

lucyellensmum1 · 26/09/2008 18:39

How about, if a woman doesn't feel like sex, the man actually put some effort into some decent foreplay, and no i don't just mean a quick flick of the bean. Rather, make her feel relaxed, at ease, sexy - instead of just climbing on and expecting free admission

Tamarto · 26/09/2008 18:43

lol @ free admission, i expect at the very least a long lie in return

dontfancyit · 26/09/2008 19:06

You're talking shit, OP.

Till death us do part does not have an "if I get enough nooky" subclause.

dontfancyit · 26/09/2008 19:08

I haven't had penetrative sex for more than three years. I'm not "proud" of it nor do I broadcast it. I have changed my name.

I don't like sex when pregnant. I don't want sex while intensively breastfeeding. It just feels wrong to me. At the stage my body is my baby's, not my husband's. So he didn't get much of a look in in the 6-9 months post partum each time. He may find it difficult but that's tough. He's a grown up and has to deal with such a minor inconvenience. The baby comes first by a long way. I don't want him playing with my breasts when they are full of milk.

Since my second son was born 2 1/2 years ago I've also had serious medical issues. We tried to have sex a few times but the pain was too great (we now know why). For some months we had the joys of non-penetrative sex but then things got on top of me, so to speak, and this has stopped. I have very, very good reasons for not having sex, including huge amounts of pain.

If, for one moment, anyone ever suggested that this was justification for him leaving me I would broadcast their vileness to all and sundry.

wittyusername · 26/09/2008 21:44

OP: DH, is that you???

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 26/09/2008 22:10

SmugColditz in reply to your question about the men who end up with three babies under three, in the case of my friend, yes, he wanted them. He still wants to be with his wife, but admits he cant stop all this messing around with other women - my friend says she isn't a dormat. I say good on her

FairLadyRantALot · 26/09/2008 22:17

indeed elf...sadly often (not always0....BLOKES LIKE THE IDEA BT NOT ACTUALLY LIKE WHAT IS (ooops caps lock again).....the looking after part!

cheesesarnie · 26/09/2008 22:22

yawn

why oh why do trolls not come up with something more gritty.

Sophrosyne1 · 26/09/2008 22:26

I think that people should negotiate their own 'rules' when it comes to their sexual relationships. No-one can tell someone they 'ought to make an effort' when they haven't a clue what that person may be feeling. I guess I am fairly lucky in that my sex drive is very high, I wanted it throughout pregnancy and, because I had a straight-forward birth and no stitches, never lost the drive after child birth. 3-4 times a week is good for me but others may not feel the same. It does help if your drives are evenly matched though.

peacelily · 26/09/2008 22:58

have only read up to page 3 but really don't agree with some of the posts including the op.

My dh has a higher sex drive than me now a days but I expect him to deal with it. I need to be relaxed and not worrying to enjoy sex. this was doable when lie ins were a possibility etc bit these days when sleep is a priority then I won't be making the effort in case he decides he wants ti find it elsewhere, that idea makes me .

I have chronic insomnia, if I feel tired then I take the opportunity to sleep because they're few and far between! If I'm up late having sex then the anxiety that I might not sleep keeps me awake all night anyway.

Everyones situation is different but I have a career, I'm doing an MSc I have a 2 year old dd and a mortgage to pay. If dh feels deprived then I'm sorry, he'll just have to cope. Will never do it just to keep him happy, to me doing that with your partner has horrible connotations, it's not a womans duty and neither is it a mans right!!

mou · 27/09/2008 07:39

I've never gone anywhere else despite being the one with the higher (unsatisfied) sex drive, only thought about it. Desite the problems we have had it has always been because I was deeply attreacted to me H, and HE turned me on. So whilst it is a sensitive issue and difficult to come to a satisfactory solution there is an element of compliment and flattery that despite being tired/ill/in pain/lost libido/no time, our partners still find us sexy and want to have sex.

OK I am not a man but I am not being selfish and demanding in wanting more sex, yes my sex drive is my problem but up until our other problems escalated, I found it hard that the man that turned me on and excited me and said he felt the same could go for months without that side of our relationship, and with respect there are other forms of intimacy but they just aren't the same.

And looking somewhere else isn't necessarily a conscious 'choice'. That pent up sexual frustration simply has to have an outlet. I have NEVER been unfaithful and am devastated that I have even thought about it.

I used to feel rejected and that it was something wrong with me, now I feel hollow and have given up, which on top of other issues is sad, but joking aside, it isn't any fun having a high sex drive and nothing to do about it, however respectfull I am of my H's right to say no, and his reasons for doing so. Whilst it is only a part of a marriage it is a pretty important part.

shoedweller · 27/09/2008 08:05

I think it is important to remain open to the idea of sex. Even if it's the last thing on your mind and you're exhausted instead of outright rejection at any costs there should be room for seduction. (Who ever is doing the seducing).

Pushpinia · 27/09/2008 08:13

I really can't understand the posts that say 'Oh but you should do it even if you don;t really feel like it'

I couldn't and wouldn't and it would devalue the whole thing...also if my other half dodn't really feel like it there's no bloody way I'd accept his doing it just to please me!

what kind of person wants sex when their partner isn't enjoying it?

kittywise · 27/09/2008 08:35

odd thread

You should never have sex with anyone if you don't want to.

If you do you are prosituting yourself

If you husband has to go off and shag someone else then your relationship is shit anyway and needs sorting out.

Flossish · 27/09/2008 08:38

my heart stopped when I saw this thread title, for fear that DP had come home and posted this!! He is feeling a little neglected atm. However I am quite sure that by the time this thread was posted he was in a drunken stupor on the sofa...

shoedweller · 27/09/2008 08:42

Are we the only couple who do it when neither if us feels like it then?

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