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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to explode at exp and tell him...

23 replies

ThatBigGermanPrison · 18/08/2008 17:22

that if it is his weekend to care for the children and he has a 'work issue', it's actually his problem and he has no right to make it mine?

He's just informed me that he might be working this weekend, so my weekend off (ie every sixth weekend) might be cancelled, and he can't say when I would get it.

AIBU to say that his work issues and his boss issues are not my damn problem and he needs to sort himself out some appropriate childcare, and that I need and deserve my weekend off and am TAKING IT?

OP posts:
beanieb · 18/08/2008 17:24

YANBU but is this the first time it has happened or does he do this a lot?

I think I'd be more inclined to give him a break if it's the first time.

Ewe · 18/08/2008 17:24

YANBU - can't his family help him out? It is his problem that he needs to sort out.

PootyApplewater · 18/08/2008 17:27

Absolutely not unreasonable.

Surely if he knows he has the children every sixth week, he is rather foolish if he hasn't sorted his work schedule 5 days beforehand?

Looks like he'll be sorting childcare for when he's at work then.

Original poster
ThatBigGermanPrison · 18/08/2008 17:31

He's a chef, and reckons one of the other chefs is having a family crisis. He may get called in to cover her shifts.

Which I understand. but I still don't see why that is MY problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatBigGermanPrison · 18/08/2008 22:31

His family can't help him.

I am REALLY angry, it's just symptomatic of his whole attitude - he has all the rights, and I have all the responsibilities.

OP posts:
Onestonetogo · 18/08/2008 22:38

Message withdrawn

solidgoldbrass · 18/08/2008 22:40

I can appreicate that it's maddening but sometimes this sort of thing happens. However, he should be making arrangements to reschedule for the next weekend if he really can't do this one, not farting about saying he doesn't know when he will be able to have the DC.

Original poster
ThatBigGermanPrison · 18/08/2008 22:46

This is only the second weekend I have ever had off, and we split up 18 months ago. I instituted these weekends off because when he has them, he sees them here for a few hours, which isn't long enough for me to go out, so I never ever get a break from them. He never takes them out (well, rarely) and never takes them back to his place, so I have been nose to nose with them for 5 weeks (over the summer holidays) on my own, and some people might love that but I DON'T. I would never have had children if I'd have known I was going to be raising them on my own.

I have been promising myself this weekend through the whole summer holidays, sometimes it's all that's been keeping me going, and honest to God if he takes it off me on a whim, I don't know what I'll do. Implode, probably.

OP posts:
Soapbox · 18/08/2008 22:52

Don't explode!

Just calmly tell him that you will not be around this weekend and that if he needs to put alternative plans in place incase he needs to work, then he must do so but it will be impossible for you to cover.

Then whatever it takes, you have to do - even if that means dropping the children off at his place of work and leaving!

Original poster
ThatBigGermanPrison · 18/08/2008 22:56

Ok. I will keep my temper. I have told him he will have to find alternative childcare if he isn't able to have them himself, and that if he doesn't turn up I will turn up at his workplace with the kids in a taxi. I don't think he cares though, and it concerns me that he would leave them with the nearest daft twat who says "Oh, I like kids, bung us a tenner, I'll watch 'em"

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 18/08/2008 22:58

better exploding (at exp) than imploding.

'one of the other chefs' is having family crisis - fair enough, but why does it have to be exp who covers - presumably the answer is because he normally can/does.

Well, this weekend he can't. Tell him you have unchangable plans and that is that. If he really really can't, make him take them for longer during next week instead (am making the gross assumption that you are a SAHM). You clearly need this break.

Original poster
ThatBigGermanPrison · 18/08/2008 23:06

Am I beeing unreasonable to just insist?

I don't know if it would be to my detriment in the long run to really put my foot down with this one. He is going to make me feel unreasonable on this one - and what he will do, I will guarantee it, is claim that he told me about this (he has already tried to claim that the weekend was never properly arranged) so I 'should have known'.

when all else fails, he resorts to berating me for my lack of ESP.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 19/08/2008 00:22

The problem is that your DC could all to easily pick up on this and start feeling that they are a burden and that neither parent wants them. Turning up and dumping them with him is almost certainly going to be pretty upsetting for them. Do you have anyone you use for (paid) childcare who might be able to help: make XP pay for it?
I do think your XP is being an arse, obviously, and I understand totally that you need a break, but is it possible that you are still angry with him for having ended the relationship and are maybe veering towards using the DC to punish him in some way?

Original poster
ThatBigGermanPrison · 19/08/2008 00:29

No, because he didn't end the relationship, I did. I'm only angry with him when he fails as a responsible adult, because it reminds me of all the times he left me in the lurch.

I don't have any childcare at all, paid or unpaid, and I don't see why I should organise any. I don't want to make his life easier, I don't want to be the cushion between him and his job, I don't want to give up the second weekend to myself I have had in 18 months because a work colleague of my ex partner is having a family crisis and his boss is too tight to pay for extra staff - he's a chef, not a friggin surgeon.

I am angry with him for letting me down and letting the kids down. I don't ask for much, and never did, but it seems the less I ask for, the more he takes the piss.

Plus, he didn't ask. He 'informed' me.

I've made plans, they are plans I don't particularly want to cancel, and he knows this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatBigGermanPrison · 19/08/2008 00:30

And as for using the children to punish him - I'm just not that spiteful. Sometimes he uses withdrawal of childcare to punish me though - in fact, quite often.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 19/08/2008 02:26

i would say it is ok for him to not have them this weekend as long as he has them the next weekend unless there was something specific you had planned to do. it's likely that there will be another weekend when you might like him to the have the children instead of you and you will be able to say it's only fair - i've done it for you before as opposed to him going errr no way you wouldn't do it for me when i asked you to.

Original poster
ThatBigGermanPrison · 19/08/2008 11:19

He only gets one weekend in 3 off work, which is why I've settled for one in 6 weekends that he is in charge of them. he won't get another weekend 'off' until mid September, by which time he won't have had a weekend off since the end of July and will be exhausted, and won't feel inclined to swap - and that's if he even bothers telling me he has the time off.

I can't make him have them though, short of turning up in a taxi, which I have threatened but refuse to put my children through!

OP posts:
Onestonetogo · 19/08/2008 11:30

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ThatBigGermanPrison · 19/08/2008 17:23

AND NOW HE WON'T FRIGGING TALK ABOUT IT

he's taken the kids out for an hour, I asked him what was going on re the weekend "Dunno". So am I having this weekend off? "Depends if I get called into work." But I've been invited somewhere, I need to know whether or not to accpt...

He won't tell me when his next weekend off is going to be, he won't discuss it at all. And that is going to backfire on him, because if he won't compromise, I might just fuck off for 48 hours.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 19/08/2008 17:28

My DH is a chef and you have my sympathies. I have a limited social life because of it - must be a frigging nightmare when it is an ex.

wonderstuff · 19/08/2008 17:30

YANBU what an arse

nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 01:22

if i was you i would say to him either work it out yourself or i will have them this weekend on your turn then you can have them in 3 weekends time when you have a weekend off as well as 3 weekends after that when it would be your turn anyway. leave it up to him but those are his only 2 options.

desperatedays · 20/08/2008 01:37

no i know what you mean, he has to take his responsibilities more seriosly. my ex p did this to me today, he is supposed to have baby all weekend at the end of the month but last time never turned up this time i am going away fri morning, he tells me he working in glasgow and wont be bk till late then says to late to get her so he not having her at all i went absolutly crazy, she is staying with my younger cousin for few hours friday so i made up some bull shite and said as your the one who does not pick her up[ he will be arrested he fell for it

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