Husband looked up ex and deleted message

[Blackraven17]

Looking for a handhold as feeling super shitty right now.
I know I shouldn’t, but I was on my husbands phone and saw he had searched his ex fiance. I asked him why and he initially tried to deny until I showed him it on his history. He then said she had sent him a message saying hi how are things ( bear in mind no contact since 2012 time and not fb friends) and he claims to have deleted it as worried I would “kick off”. I said but now I feel uncertain as there’s no proof of his version of events. He said so ask her then and I said ok from your account which he wasn’t happy about but then begrudgingly let me. So I sent a message saying hi, what’s with the random message? To see what she says.

he became very defensive ( which is normal for him when faced with any criticism ) which makes me more suspicious. He doesn’t seem to care that it’s hurt me and made me feeling very anxious.
AIBU to be upset?

I often look up ex's names.
I have in the past reached out and said hi to one or two. Usually when I'm feeling nostalgic, a bit down or late at night.
It really doesn't mean anything.

Are you married?

How fucking embarrassing for him.

If my husband had done this to me there would be no coming back from it.

He deleted the message due to your jealousy and control freakery and you proved he was right to do it.

If you don’t trust him then do both of you a favour and dump him.

What led you to be looking on your husband’s phone in the first place? Were you already feeling mistrustful of him or otherwise insecure about your relationship?

A random message exchange with an old ex wouldn’t be an automatic dealbreaker for me personally, and if you have previously had form for being overly jealous, suspicious or insecure then I can sort of understand why he might have deleted any exchange to cut off any potential argument at the pass. Do you have form for this OP?

However, regardless of how innocent or not the contact was, he should absolutely be bothered that you are upset about the situation and be seeking to reassure you and do all he can to demonstrate there was nothing untoward in the exchanges with his ex if that is truly the case.

Yes with teenage kids. As is the ex who made contact with me and another ex who I made contact with. I made contact with one who is happily married, has four adult children and lives in Sydney. I’m happy he has a good life. When I get a bit down I wonder how different my life might have been if we had stayed together. Every so often we send short emails to each other, usually after sending birthday wishes. No big deal.

I agree with pp - I think looking up an ex is quite normal if you're curious about what they're up to. I've done it in my time (yes I am happily married).

Well in this social media age, lots of us look up past people because we can and it is so easy to be nosey. I have no social media presence because of my job, but occasionally I have looked up people from my past and found out that a previous partner I adored and was with for 6 years died due to alcoholism, some people I knew from school hooked up and are happy together etc...I moved around a lot as a child and post uni have settled in an amazing Northern city. Lots of people who have become my friends and colleagues over the last few decades grew up locally. Several moved for uni and came back, but have extended family and friends, the friends of friends so know about their exes and other people growing up and how life turned out. It is not really a big deal.

To answer some questions, no I don’t have form for being jealous, actually he has. Years ago someone I never even dated who I had matched with on a dating app and never got round to meeting, sent me a message on fb. He went mental and made me block them.

I don’t find him looking up his ex all that suspicious (we can all be nosey buggers at times, I am definitely guilty of snooping on social media to see what ex boyfriends are up to!) but I would be a bit put out by him actually trying to make contact with her, that feels like a step too far - my question would be, what is he trying to achieve out of doing that? But other posters here seem to think it’s very normal so maybe we’re the odd ones OP!

Sounds like a non event to me. She randomly messaged him, he deleted it fearing you’d find it (so basically he knows you go through his phone regularly…) but you still found out because you presumably looked through his search history? I don’t think he’s the issue here.

Why so insecure over someone he’s not chatted with in 14 yrs?

It’s not the message itself it’s the hiding it I don’t like . And then going on to search her

Has he cheated before? I don't understand looking at a partner's phone history unless they've cheated and you don't trust them. My DH used to get the odd random phone call from an ex after she split up from boyfriends. He never gave the impression he's in the least bit still romantically interested in her, so it didn't seem like something worth worrying about.

You clearly don’t trust him, and searching through a partners phone is considered controlling behaviour. I would be furious if my DH thought he could search through my phone without first asking - but what he’d be searching for I have no idea. Maybe he’d just want to check out my photos of out cats?

He wasn’t hiding it.

What would you call deleting a message then???

Did you send your weird message from yourself or from him?

Did he reply to her message?

I don't think it's that big deal that someone from his life 12 years ago got in touch to see how he's doing these days. And I'm not so insecure it would bother me. What would bother me was if my husband feared my reaction so badly he felt the need to delete the message.

But how do you know the truth if it’s deleted? In my eyes if there’s nothing to worry about you’d say hey I just recieved this message. I’ve never given him any reason to fear me

You need to question why your relationship is even in the place that you feel the need to snoop like that, regardless of the fact that you found something.

I know it’s not right but I’ve had this worry for ages about our relationship and I let my intrusive thoughts win

the plot thickens. She replied to the message sent off his phone, saying she didn’t realise she had sent him a message?! Now I am really confused

Your biggest issue here is trust, and social media isn't helping.
Your actions are questionable as you're looking through his phone. His are due to deleting supposedly innocent messages.
Ive had exes message me whilst in a relationship. I replied politely and explained I wasn't single. End of conversation and no need to delete it. But then again Ive never had a partner go through my phone, and never given anyone a reason to doubt my honesty.
None of this is healthy behaviour.

When it gets to the point when you are snooping through someone’s phone the trust is gone, and the relationship is over.

Realistically, whatever answer he gives will not be good enough.

I think looking through a partners phone is a huge breach of trust and signifies big problems in the relationship

I have nothing to hide but the thought of dh secretly going through my phone makes me feel uncomfortable. Its a violation and crosses a line.

I'm happy for dh to use my phone if he asks , not an issue. Its the secret mistrust and you have now gone on a spiral about him.

Yabvu and I would be questioning this relationship if I was him.

Id take that to mean he messaged her and instead told you she had messaged him.

He probably thought it would be less hassle (from you) for him that way.

If she said she hadn’t messaged him, then she didn’t reply to his msg.

I’d be humiliated and furious if my DH did what you have done.

All this drama signifies an obvious backstory to your and your DH’s trust issues You both need to discuss these in the open. What a way to live…