Feel a bit sad after going to an event

[Nee215]

Went to my children’s fireworks event at school last night and this morning I’ve woken up feeling very low. Can someone please help me through this?

I don’t know why I’m feeling low, these are some of the things that happened: the girls in my eldest class all hung out together - I saw them and DD saw them so I told her to go and join but DD came back after few mins. Whilst waiting for the rides with my youngest I could see her then going to other kids in the class but they seemed to ignore her. Just incase anyone asks no my DD is not nasty, rude or horrible. She’s actually a really lovely and sensible child, DH who does not notice anything even commented on this. My youngest had his friends to hang around with and seemed happy. One of the mums said hi to my just as I was stuffing my face with a hot dog and food fell out when I said hi! I felt so embarrassed. I’m still this morning cringing over this!

An argument blew up between the family in front of me and the ride operator who claimed my daughter was next in line but I even said no the family was in front of us! It was really uncomfortable as they were arguing and I kept insisting no it’s fine they were before us. Another mum who I know entered the argument and asked for clarification on what was going on and said “oh so it’s not you saying it it’s the ride guy”. This embarrassed me as I felt people behind must think I was causing a scene! The people behind me gave me a look which I couldn’t decipher.

I think I suffer social anxiety as I know none of this was huge but I feel really low today. I keep going over everything wishing I had not gone. I don’t think my kids were any better off going and would not have impacted them in the slightest. I always feel on edge around the other mums and not like I can be myself.

Oh, it must be awful to see your children being ignored. I really hate that. Why are some kids so mean.
I can completely understand now why you were so annoyed about everything that happened last night. But do you know what? Focus on your own lovely little family and try to ignore the rest. I honestly wouldn’t be worrying too much about the argument over the queue.

The only thing there I'd feel a bit down about is your DD's friends ignoring her.

How old is she? It must've been horrible to see.

It sounds like you find emotions to be overwhelming and “not allowed”. Of course you’ll feel sad and worry for your daughter if they seem to be being left out. It can feel embarrassing when you spit food when you’re talking to someone, and it can be uncomfortable when there’s conflict you don’t want to be part of. Emotions are like waves, they come, you feel them, interpret what they’re there to tell you, then they fade and life goes on. If you’re getting stuck overthinking maybe you’re struggling to acknowledge and just feel the thing you need to feel to be able to move on. We’re big emotions not allowed when you were little? Did you often feel misunderstood or in trouble for being upset or frustrated? Counselling can help you unpick this stuff.

Thank you. I didn’t want to say but she’s being assessed for autism and ADHD. She has eating issues so that was my initial reason for going to doctor. I’m not saying this as I’m her mum I like reflecting a lot and she is very kind, loving and sweet. I’ve seen her with people and she’s funny and not annoying in any way like kids her age sometimes are! My youngest is a little annoying sometimes. He’s a boy btw and I feel boys friendships are less complex

I was heartbroken to see my DCs suffer any social rejection, much more than they were . And I understand how you would hate to be thought arguing over the ride . BTW how horrible was it to cause problems in front of your DCs over a que ?!
It made you feel awkward and uncomfortable at what should have been a nice family event so no wonder you feel a bit sad today.

It can make parents feel really awful when our kids are left out. Mine are all adults and I still remember the feeling. Have a chat with her and see if you can find out what's been going on.

With regards to the queue, it sounds like a miscommunication. This stuff happens at busy events. I doubt anyone else involved has given it a second thought x

op i totally get this, my child has been the same in the past. It helped looking inward and realising i am probably AuDHD too! Kindly, you are overthinking it, the argument bit anyway. Before I had the unique individuals who are my children, I thought events like this would be full of cozy vibes and friendship…they’ve never been. You move on. Celebrate the good times and the connections she DOES have; with fsmily? other friends? even just one…

Thank you so much for the insights and support everyone. That’s really kind of you all to take time out of your morning to respond to a stranger. I think a poster might be right in terms of emotions were not allowed in my house when I grew up and I don’t know how to process them. Any small thing wrecks my entire day or even weeks sometimes.

We would get hit everytime we showed child like emotion. I remember my eldest as a child getting locked in the shed for being a normal child and arguing with dad. I learnt to be pleasing and polite during to this and never show any negative emotions and just be “nice”

Oh OP. I’m feeling low too as I’m pregnant and opted out of taking my eldest two to the local firework event last night. They’re little and would have been too tired to go really but I still have FOMO as everyone else in the playground was going.

I felt like the worst mum for not sucking it up and making myself uncomfortable to give DCs a chance to join in with friends and enjoy the fireworks even if we then left early.

Pat yourself on the back for putting yourself out there and giving it a chance! Try not to dwell on what went wrong, there’s always next time.

I wonder if we went to the same event? I too feel low after attending my dd's fireworks night at her school. But it is only because I am fed up chasing after my toddler all night and I never actually get to enjoy anything or interact.

My daughter doesn’t actually realise she’s being left out it’s more I can see it.

He Doesn’t do feelings! I tried this morning and he responded “so what, noting happened, get over”

My dd is also being assessed for ASD and ADHD and I have a diagnosis of both too. She has a small group of friends in her class but doesn’t really interact much with others. One thing I do with events like this is organise with the mum of one of her friends going to meet there and then she finds it easier to join in. She’d never do well just trying to join in with groups that were already there. I made a huge effort to get to know the mums of her friends even though I find that really difficult. Does your dd have a close friend you could do this with?

I have AuDHD and it takes about 36 hours after a social event for my brain to process it, and in that time memories, and snatches of conversation pop up. It’s like a hangover. I’ve learned to disengage a bit, and just let all the little gremlins in my head scurry about swapping the records about and debating whether things should be filed under mild embarrassment or reasons to leave the country under cover of darkness. It passes. I can’t stop the flurry in my head, but I choose not to join in with the chaos because in a day or two I’ll have clearer perspective on what needs an action and what doesn’t matter.

Is it possible that you’re nd too op? The apple rarely falls far from the tree. Social events can be utterly draining, but when you’ve masked your whole life it’s not instinctive to give yourself a pass for the hard things even when they’re optional.

Try and do some nice things for yourself today. Fill your senses. Wrap your hands around a nice warm cup and breathe in the smell of coffee. Bundle up for a brisk walk. Put on some good music or a podcast. It helps a lot to fill your bucket when it’s been drained.

@Bestbeforenow ive never considered it but from your description that’s exactly how I feel! I have isolated myself as I felt like this every time. I thought I was socially anxious

That’s a good idea but I feel so unable to make plans with people as I’m socially anxious too

”Any small thing wrecks my entire day or even weeks sometimes.”

This really stood out to me. I used to be like this, it was utterly exhausting. I had CBT and it changed my life. It teaches you to manage your responses to situations that are upsetting or challenging. Basically crap things happen every day and we need to be able to frame them realistically and not be overwhelmed by every negative interaction.

I hope you feel better soon.

Couples' therapist here. You chose a husband who 'doesn't do feelings,' just like your parents didn't. Almost without fail we are attracted to romantic partners who have some of the same traits of our primary caregivers, in a bid to re-do the past and seek healing. It rarely works because partners can't heal our wounds -- only we can.

Your relationship with DH is reinforcing a pattern of not validating feelings that continues to keep you locked in a turbulent inner life and feeling low.

This is a childhood wound you need to deal with. Feeling your feelings and expressing your emotions (to yourself and eventually to DH, friends and family) are vital for mental health and a life of authenticity. See a therapist if you can afford one but otherwise look for self-help books and YouTube videos.

These events are supposed to be fun and we are supposed to enjoy them, but they are generally awful.
Most events like these I avoid with my teens. Too crowded, lots of teenagers behaving like teenagers! My daughter stands out as she’s a bit ‘gothy’, and I quietly feel sad for her. None of my kids enjoy crowds and I find it too noisy!
Please don’t feel low. You are doing a great job. Just pretend you had a main role in Motherland! One of those nights to chalk up to experience

I think it might have sparked a feeling of worry that your daughter might end up having the level of social anxiety you feel? But to anyone it would seem sad to see your child seemingly being ignored by their friends.
I hope you can seek therapy.

Feel for you. Sounds horrible. A new day. Move on and put it behind you. Do something nice for yourself. You're just as important as your children.