Fleeing abusive partner while pregnant - need support

[Openmind17]

Hello. I am 21 weeks pregnant and have an 8-year-old daughter. I am currently stuck in a very toxic and abusive relationship (verbal, emotional, and financial abuse). I recently had to attend hospital due to severe stress.I have already contacted my midwife and filled out a council housing application. My plan is to leave in secret next week when he goes to work and go straight to an emergency women's refuge. I plan to tell him via a final text message that I lost the pregnancy and I am not coming back, just so he stops looking for me and leaves us alone.I have absolutely no money right now because of financial control, and I am terrified. Has anyone else left a partner using a similar plan? How does life look like in a refuge? Will the council really help me with a permanent home? I just need some reassurance that I am doing the right thing for my daughters. Thank you.

I’ve no idea about the refuge as I was in a B&B. As for the council - I got placed in a HMO with a 6 year old child that was full of men fresh out of prison. And was stuck there, couldn’t get a job because if I did I’d have to pay the extortionate rent of nearly £1000 a month (this was in 2011) for the utterly unsafe shit hol I’d been placed in.

We survived. It wasn’t fun.

use Turn to Us to check the benefits you can claim and make those claims.

Batten down the hatches because you could be waiting years for a property. I’d get myself out of the system as soon as possible, even if that means having to private rent.

Councils are supremely awful.

I was pregnant, had other children and spent 8 months in a refuge before I was given my council home.

The refuge was great, we had a curfew (not that I was out anyway but some people found it annoying) but there was a lot of support there, and they helped a lot with my home too.

Are you planning to go to a totally different area?

I wouldnt contact him at all. Block him, change your number, and I also changed my name when I left.

Thank you so much for your reply, it gives me so much hope. To answer your question, yes, I want to move as far away as possible from his family.
My question is: Do you think it is a good idea to text him right after I arrive at the refuge and tell him that I lost the pregnancy due to stress, and then block him forever? I feel like this is the only way he will completely give up looking for us and leave us alone. Did anyone else do this?

Honestly I don't think any contact at all is a good idea. However the refuge can give you support and access counselling for you so you can make an informed decision.

It is very likely he wouldn't believe you anyway.

My refuge was great. I had loads of support. They will help you with everything.

Thank you all so much. I have a very important question: Do you think it is a safe idea to text him after I arrive at the refuge and tell him that I lost the pregnancy due to stress, and then block him forever? I feel like this is the only way he will completely stop looking for me and leave me and my daughter alone. Did anyone else do this?

The refuge will help you with all of this and support you, it’s not just a roof over your head but a supportive community that will help with everything including getting the right benefits etc.

Just physically get yourself and your daughter safe first, then think about the details. My feeling would be to do something to throw him off, like the text you suggest, but it’s from an emotional perspective and I’m not sure that is really the right thing. The staff at the refuge will know better.

Anyone I know who’s gone into a refuge has ended up with a beautiful council place, but this is different boroughs and different times. It seems like a straight line as far as I can tell but again everything is a process. The first step is getting out of your current position as a matter of urgency. The rest we can help with as each thing arises and so can the refuge.

Have you got a space in a refuge yet op?

support to you op. Well done

Not yet, because I am planning to speak with my midwife first on Monday morning after I drop my daughter off at school. I also submitted my housing register application yesterday. I am safe at the moment in my room, but planning my escape for next week.

Your priority is safety, not texting your abuser an update on your status. I would caution against this until you are sure you are safe and have taken advice from professionals.

Which local authority housing department have you applied to? When you get a place in a refuge you won't have a choice about where it is, and the refuge staff should help you apply to the local council where you want to relocate at the appropriate time. The application needs to be made under the part of the law that relates to domestic abuse and so it's probably better to wait until your inner refuge before you look at next step housing options.

You may possibly have to wait a little while for a space.

It will be quicker if you are willing to move absolutely anywhere, I just don't want you to get your hopes up about next week.

Meantime is there someone who will hold onto things like passports, birth certificates, photos etc that you can sneak out the house. Also if you can get a bag of things for you and your daughter you can grab and go if need be that would be a big help if its safe to do so.

Yes, I want to move as far away as possible from this area and his family so he has absolutely no access to me or the children. I am willing to go anywhere in the UK to be safe. I already have all our passports and important documents hidden safely in my room, ready to grab and go

Is the older kid his too?

No,just me kid

Might he be tracking your phone? If he does, it might not be safe to text him from the refuge itself.

Please speak to your midwife for support too. If you are staying in the same area you need to consider if he could potentially turn up where you have your appointments. The hospital should never give your details out either but your midwife can ensure there is a flag on your record ensuring only named people are allowed into the maternity unit when you are an in-patient. If you are seeking support from a women’s refuge, be aware they will house you out for area. Also, are your pregnancy notes handheld or online? If digital notes, change your password so he can’t get access and see your appointments.

Thank you, that is a very smart point. I am being extremely cautious. I will turn off my location and everything else that could track me, and I will wait to speak with the refuge staff and get a new SIM card before sending any message.

No experience with all of this but I just wanted to say good luck OP

Thank you for this advice. My pregnancy notes are online on the app, but he has absolutely no access to it and does not know my password, so my appointments are safe. I am definitely looking to be housed completely out of this area, the further away the better.

Thank you all so much for your amazing support. To explain why he will easily believe my text about losing the baby: unfortunately, I suffered a miscarriage not long ago. On top of that, my current pregnancy has many complications, and I was so close to losing this baby as well because of all the stress. That is why I recently had to go to the hospital. He knows this history, so he will not question my message when I leave. It is the only way to get my complete freedom.

Can you take them with you and ask your midwife to look after them? Or the school? Or ANYONE that you can trust outside your home? Maybe also a bag full of spare clothing and supplies?

I don't want to scare you more than you are, but this will be the most dangerous time you face so you need to be ready to drop everything and run if needs be.

Also echo the pp about not worrying about updating your ex until you are safe and secure. He is last on the priority list.

I wish you strength and support.

He is also threatening me that he will take the baby away from me after she is born. This is my biggest fear and the main reason why I need this escape to be successful and completely silent. I need him to think the baby is gone so he stops searching for us and never tries to carry out his threats. I am doing this to protect both of my daughters.

Nobody is doubting your motives and we all support you. We're just gently pointing out that you need to ensure your own security first, before you even think of contacting him. As pp say, refuges will support you in how and when you do this, they have a lot of experience.

Also his threats are hollow. He's an abuser, it is another abuse tactic. I understand it scares you, but don't fixate on his bullshit, you have to really dig in now and get away.