To expect more help from ex?

[Threepluscoffee]

We have three children. He has 2 (one step child)

He works shifts so days off can vary however I know he can request a better structure. On his rest days during the week he doesn't see the kids. On his weekend days off he doesn't always have the kids maybe 2 nights a month max.

aibu to expect more routine and consistency? I get he works some weekends and I'm not saying I expect his wife to watch the kids if he's at work every weekend (although he's also a step parent himself and so surely wouldn't be unreasonable to expect the same? not sure if I'm being unreasonable there or not so please do tell me if I am but here nor there)

But if we say every other weekend for example and he's at work and his wife doesn't want to look after the kids surely it should be his responsibility to sort childcare if he's working? Rather than saying I've got work I can't have them. I have to do the same if I'm working.

What does the order say for how many nights he has his children for how much he pays? If he pays £X and that’s based on his having 2 nights a week then it’s up to him to sort the childcare for those 2 nights if he can’t do it. Otherwise he’ll need to increase his maintenance payments.

It’s massively U to expect anything of his wife.

Formalise his time with them and make sure CMS is reflected accordingly with how much he looks after them.

There's no order and he definitely pays less than he should 😂 but that's an argument I can't be bothered to fight I'm tired. I'd rather he just helped with the kids and a structure as I'm drowning alone.

Noooo I don't expect anything from the wife at all. He looks after his stepchild when she works I was simply saying surely it would go both ways but I'm not a step parent so I don't know if that's the norm. But if he is meant to have them but then can't due to work should he have to arrange childcare?

Well obviously he should op.

unfortunately if there’s no order - I assume because you weren’t married? - then there’s not a lot you can do about it. Just go through CMS to get the right amount of maintenance for you having them full time, which is what it sounds like you have.

I’m confused! Can you try and explain again

YANBU but unless you want to get a court order and an official agreement in place then I don't think he is suddenly going to change (and even then if he isn't keen on seeing them do you want a forced agreement where he has to or he leaves them with his wife who shows her annoyance with the children potentially).

Where are you getting 5 children from? Or am I missing something?

OP has 3, ex has 2

I’m confused about how many children are involved here…

If you share three with your ex, he has two with his new wife plus a stepchild, I think it’s too much to expect her to look after six kids. It sounds like he’s probably doing extra shifts to avoid that too!

If he works shifts, presumably he’s an employee? Why haven’t you gone through CMS?

"There's no order and he definitely pays less than he should 😂 but that's an argument I can't be bothered to fight I'm tired I'd rather he just helped with the kids and a structure as I'm drowning alone."

This is exactly why you needed to get a court order. Nothing will change until he's forced to change!

Thing is about a court order is that NRPs can't be held to it. An RP can be charged if they withhold court agreed contact but the court cannot force and NRP to parent.

You need set days he has them and if he's busy then its his responsibility to get childcare whether thats his wife, another relative or paid childcare.

I disagree if you choose to marry someone with children they come as a package

Nothing will change with a court order. A court order gives him the right to see those children. It doesn't give him the obligation to see them the court can't make him have them.

@Threepluscoffee

in your position, I would go through CMS and make sure you are getting the maximum you can and use the difference between what you're getting now and that to pay for childcare.

Obviously, it would be nice if he wanted to see his kids and if he structured his work so that he could see his kids and had them regularly, but I think you're looking for a gold horned unicorn and you're better off dealing with what is rather than what you would like

Nope.