Husband and gym

[Anomum083819]

I’ve spoke to multiple times before coming to mumsnet,
husband goes to hydrox then gym right after in mornings before work he starts at 2pm
i do school run and get everyone ready as he leaves not long after and gets home about 12, then it’s shower food and work, this happens 5 days a week then one day at weekend, which leaves no time for me, if I’m lucky I can quickly nip to shop and get my nails done once a month, when I say something he’s like well go do something as he said he was bored last night and was going to go back to gym for third time that day and I just snapped lol saying no that isn’t fair so he spent the night mumping his gums, he thinks it’s unreasonable for me to ask him to cut down his hobby but it leaves no time for me and I’m doing 95% of the parenting with little time to myself unless son and baby are in bed

Go out in the morning. Let him do school run on the way to gym. Do this often.

There’s no time as he needs sleep too as can finish work as late as 2am depending on shift, if I could would be the best time as I’m up before everyone

Also the class clashes with school run if he done it he would be “late”

Do you work OP?

You need to carve out time for you individually and you both as a couple.

I’m on mat leave at the moment, we do get some evenings together once kids are in bed so the us time isn’t an issue, it’s just hard to get the time for me when there isn’t much time, as gym on his days off can be when he fancy’s during the day after morning class

He's taking the piss, 6 days a week and 3 times in one day? You absolutely need to go out and get him to do some parenting. He'll have to miss a few sessions won't he? It won't kill him.

Are you BF and can you leave the baby for a few hours?

For his next day off arrange to go and see friends for a walk/lunch/shopping

Book appointments for after his classes and tell him he needs to be home once a week to have the baby before work. Even if you just go out for a walk. If he can get up for the gym he can get up and parent.

What was he like before mat leave? Did you share the load then?

When you say Hydrox do you mean that absolutely mental fitness discipline thing which was in the news because of the woman competitor shitting herself mid competition and yet still continuing to compete? If thats what he is training for, plus multiple gym sessions, then it sounds like physical training is probably an addiction for him. Which would explain why you and his DC come a distant second in his list of priorities.
Sorry OP but you would be better off as a single parent.

There's plenty of time for sleep if he can do gym stuff for 4 hours every morning.

He does morning school runs, you do the afternoons

This is an insane dynamic, it’s odd you chose to have another baby in this situation!

He’s taking the absolute piss going more than once a day. 90 mins max. If he wants a two hour gym session, then he needs to go fewer times per week. 5-6 hours a week is more than enough to stay really fit. Wtf is he doing in there?! Dawdling so he doesn’t have to do stuff at home?

It wasn’t always like this the only thing he done before was the morning class or the gym not both in one day, we shared the load before

I had to create a visual aid for my family to show where I had no time as all my times was driving them about, waiting at their hobbies and then cooking, housework and sleep...I did it AT work as if I use a computer outside of work now I get a migraine and it makes me fall asleep!

Are you sure he’s going to the gym?

Sorry but what the fuck is he doing going to the gym 3 times a day. There's no way he's working out that many times. And 6 days a week. If he was a serious gym goer he'd know about rest days, working muscle sets.

If he's not built like Jack Reacher I'd be asking questions.

He's going to get out of child care and being an adult.

Can't you just speak to him? It sounds like he works long, anti-social hours so is he spending any time with the kids? There's been definitely a trend with a few friends and their husbands becoming utterly obsessed with their own fitness in their 30s/40s after having kids. Lots of 'I want to be able to run around with them and win at sports day' but that does tend to defeat the purpose if they're going to the gym instead of spending time with the kids.

He's focusing 99% on himself and you're focusing 1% on yourself while you carry the mental load of the family/home. Long term, you're going to end up hating him if you don't already and it's not sustainable.

Time for a serious talk, tell him you've had enough of his selfish behaviour and if he can't pull his weight with the children then you'll be divorcing. Your DC deserve better than a father who only focuses on himself.

So you told him no, and then you did what exactly?

Why didn't you then go out?..

I'm all for fairness, 3 times is excessive... But why after you said no, didn't you do something?! 🫪

I didn’t leave house but did hand him baby and went and done bits and bobs in house

Confront him and say he has 6 hours of me time at the gym a week (or however many hours it is)
say you need the same amount of hours of child-free me time it’s only fair. Then leave the house during your time. Do not stay in house or you’ll do chores and/or be called upon for childcare.
if gym isn’t your thing go on a walk, go for a coffee, anything for a wee break.