To do our own Christmas this year?

[Bettycrocker7]

I'd really appreciate some outside perspectives because I'm starting to question whether I'm being unreasonable.

I have six children, including twins who were born prematurely last year. My parents live 50 minutes away, and despite the twins now being over 11 months old, my mum has never visited them.

My dad is housebound and suffers from falls, so my mum says she can't leave him to come and visit. I completely appreciate that caring for him must be difficult, and I'm not suggesting she should neglect him. However, what I struggle with is that she doesn't phone me either. She never asks how the twins are, how they're developing or how we're all doing.

In their entire lives, she's bought them one rattle each and one book each. Before they were born, she bought some sleepsuits and a pack of nappies. I'm not remotely bothered about presents or money. It's the lack of interest that hurts.

My dad, despite being housebound, manages to phone me regularly and messages my eldest most days. My mum doesn't do this.
What's made things particularly upsetting recently is that my eldest child was missing for a while resulting in the police becoming involved. My child
subsequently experienced a serious mental health crisis and ended up in A&E requiring sedation. My mum hasn't even asked how my child is or how we're coping.

I'm also anticipating that she'll soon start asking when we're coming up for Christmas and will expect us to go to their house. Honestly, I don't want to. I feel uncomfortable being expected to make the effort to visit and play happy families when there seems to be so little interest in our lives the rest of the year.

This isn't new behaviour from my mum. She's always been quite emotionally distant, and she's very clever at turning things around and making me feel guilty when I express how I feel. When I was pregnant with the twins I had a very high risk pregnancy. She played lots of little games and caused me a lot of stress. She messaged my eldest child to say I had forgotten an important event in their lives. I had to show my eldest child receipts and proof of what gifts id sent and messages as my eldest child was angry with me for not caring about their special event. She wanted me to visit their house 4 days before my C-section to celebrate another event with them and threw a tantrum when I explained it wouldn't be possible.

I suppose what I'm asking is:
Am I unreasonable to feel hurt and disappointed that my mum hasn't made any effort to meet her grandchildren or maintain contact with us?
Am I wrong to decline Christmas this year because I don't feel comfortable pretending everything is fine?
I understand her responsibilities towards my dad, but surely caring about your daughter and grandchildren doesn't have to involve physically visiting?
I'd genuinely appreciate honest opinions, particularly from anyone who has experienced a similar relationship with their own mother.

YANBU to not want to take 6 children away from home for Christmas, regardless of the relationship you have with your parents. That's a logistical nightmare.

You’re not wrong for feeling this way. I expect you’re caught up in the FOG cycle of pleasing her hoping it will win the love you want. She isn’t going to change.

You absolutely should have the Christmas toy want (you’ve got 11 month old twins as well as the other kids for goodness sake!). You know she’s going to tantrum so just be prepared. Don’t over explain. Just be firm, calm and keep to your guns. Don’t let her tantrum be the cause of you backing down. You know it’s going to happen so remain firm. Tantrumming is her way of control.

It is hurtful that she isn’t being the grandparent or the mum you want her to be. You have to somehow accept that. What was she like with your other children?

She sounds ND - always been like it, always will be.

Have you ever talked about it with your Dad?

In any event it is not unreasonable to start having your own Christmases in your own home.
After all, your Mum did just that at one point!

Before my dad lost his mobility she visited once solo in about 12 years. Other than that she and my dad visited maybe twice a year on special occasions. She used to be good at gift buying for the older children ( I would send Amazon or Argos links - she doesn't trust anywhere else) If something she bought was pricey she would let you know though and make you feel bad. She would also treat one of my children a lot more than the others in a very obvious way. Now she doesn't bother at all. Going to Google the FOG cycle.

I cant really talk about it with my dad because my mum is always right next to him. Also they have a very united front relationship and would never allow any cracks to appear in it.

It’s very hard when you realise a parent isn’t going to be the grandparent you want/expected them to be (similar here with my dad).
It’s frustrating and makes me feel that after all these years I (and by extension my dc) don’t matter to him which is bloody hurtful.

I think the best thing you can do is draw a line for yourself now. You’re not going there over Christmas. When she asks, say ‘oh we’re staying here so the kids can play with their toys and I can cook dinner. We’re free on X date if you want to visit.’
If she kicks off, have a few stock phrases to use (I’m a bit blunt these days and have said ‘I’m not listening to you kicking off, I’m not doing X. I’ll speak to you tomorrow’ and have put the phone down).
Use the same few lines over and over again if you need to - hopefully she’ll get bored of asking.

Also be prepared, it sounds like she’ll reach out to your eldest and either invite them then blame you if they can’t go or tell them you’re being mean etc for not going. Maybe approach them in advance and tell them you’re planning to stay home so they know before the phone calls start.

My aunt was very similar .
She was in a wheelchair and had carers but frequently demanded my time. I simply didn't have any.

Dc6 was in/out hospital with lung issues yet she refused to not smoke...I stopped taking dc but it was hard to get childcare.

When I refused to host Xmas at her house she cut me off.
I was pregnant and due Xmas eve. Not good enough excuse apparently .
She never rang asking about the dc. Ever.
She died 2 years later amd left everything to her carers...
Stay home op. And grief the family you wish you had then move on.

I had similar but with my ILs. Absolutely no interest in our family unless it was Xmas day, Easter Sunday or one of the ILs birthdays. So we were pretty much invited on the days that THEY believed were special family days but ignored the rest of the year.

I decided one day that it wasn’t our job to give them ‘special days’ when they couldn’t be arsed with us (inc 2 dc) the rest of the year. I simply made sure we were unavailable for these days. I matched their effort.

Families are like dogs ‘not just for Christmas!’.

Yes, stay home without any guilt and give your children the Christmas they will enjoy.

I do feel a little sorry for your father because despite maintaining a united front he does seem to make an effort with your children. Is there a way you could video call him over Christmas?

The mum sound like an arsehole rather than ND

Firm agree!

That's actually a really lovely idea. I do feel sorry for my dad it's not his fault he's disabled. This is where I find it hard as I will cave to my mum's demands because I don't want my dad to be hurt.

Why is your mum so desperate to play pretend happy family at Christmas?

Is it a case of saving face in front of other relatives? Does she take pictures of your kids?

I think you should be able to say you're having Christmas at home from now on.

If you really want to give a reason, the twins is a perfect reason, it's much easier to stay home.

What about your Dad though. Doesn’t he want to see the children?

She doesn't talk to any of her relatives so it's not that. I'm unsure myself maybe it's the idea of the big family Christmas she likes the idea of.

It is time to do your own Christmas. You have 6 kids including 11 month old kid's. I have a friend in a similar position to you. Her mother expects her to call to her house regularly with her kid's. Her daughter lives a 25 mins drive away from her.
Her mother moaned anytime she was asked to babysit. She has never offered to mind her grandkids to give her daughter a break.

She does not make much effort with her grandkids either.

My friend has had enough of the lack of support and her poor behaviour.
Her kids are getting older and are busy at weekends. My friend has now started to say no to mother re calling to her. Her mother is not happy about this but as my friend said I am busy and my family comes first.

I would say to your mother that you can't call over on Christmas day and that you face time her and your dad. Tell your older child this is what happening on Christmas day so she can't create problems.

Whatever the reason, maybe he's even a little afraid of her and knows he's dependent on her now that he's disabled, your dad isn't doing anything to change her behaviour. And you point out that they made little effort even before his disability.

The incident where she told DS you'd forgotten his important event would have finished me. That was just downright spiteful. Involving the children in her mind games is unforgiveable.

What do you lose if you say no to Christmas? A couple of phone calls a year by the sound of it. Her tantrum should not influence you, let her get on with it. If she likes the idea of a big family Christmas, tough. You and your family are not actors to be summoned to play the parts she's assigned to you when it suits her. If that means your father is collateral damage then you have to recognise that he is partly responsible for the situation. In some form he has enabled her behaviour over many years.

I hope that reading about the FOG helps you to understand that someone like your mother brings nothing to your lives but stress and that it's OK to let go and live your life on your own terms. Accept that this is how she is, make peace with it and mentally disconnect. She has done nothing to earn your consideration and in fact has been highly damaging to your family.