Formalised meal trains for new mums?

[BVIre]

Hi! Not really an AIBU but genuinely just wanting opinions?

My really good friend just had her first baby, I’m so so excited for her! Whenever a friend has a baby, I always bring over 1-2 freezer meals and food as I know that was invaluable to me when I had my baby boy a few years ago, and I remember being really blown away by the thoughtfulness of people bringing food & I never thought it’d be so hard to just feed myself somedays, so all in all so appreciated & now something I always do for a new mum.

My friend had her baby on Saturday and today she stuck in a generic link to a meal train she’d set up for herself with requesting meals from middle of next week through to the end of November. I’m not too ‘online’ so I had never seen this done before & to be honest it took me back, I feel like it’s trying to manage/organise peoples generosity? Or puts pressure on those in the chat to cook something and drop it round who maybe wouldn’t have done so (wouldn’t have occurred to me to do for someone before having my baby). I know I’m a bit of a people pleaser/very conscious of what others think of me in general as a personality trait but I did just want to get a wider sense check lol

The link also had quite specific instructions (4-6pm drop off window, don’t expect an invite in/to meet baby, and a few food preferences)- which is all totally fine, but I think it just was quite jarring to me because I kind of feel like it’s the expectation of your ‘village’ and also trying to manage the generosity of others, rather than just letting it happen?

Also I suppose selfishly I feel a bit odd now with food as I had prepared 2-3 freezer meals for her & some freezer breakfast muffins and I don’t know where that fits into the formalised process? I also work until 5pm and I wouldn’t make it home to get the food and back to hers for 6pm, so even advice on how I drop round the food I have for her without being imposing? I’m just not really sure where it leaves me & she’s been off her phone since having the baby (which is totally fine & understandable), so on the link it just says all queries to the husband.

Just keen to get a wider sense check!

I think you maybe are being a bit unreasonable as she has just changed your idea of a plan, but thats not her problem.

I think this is wild and grabby behaviour 🤣

It’s rude and I’d ignore it.
Message her or her husband offering what you have and leave it up to them whether they accept or not.
Don’t give it any more thought.

Can her husband not cook?

If this is what the world has come to, I'd like to opt out. She's had a baby, as billions of other women have. She presumably has a partner or access to delivery services. She hasn't lost all her limbs in a freak accident. Bringing food over in the very early days is a very nice thing to do, but this takes it to a whole other and very unpleasant level. She will no doubt place different value on her friends depending on how much food they bring her, and she won't even let them come in and say hi when doing it.

I would laugh and carry on. Never understood the food train anyway.
We have 3 children and never struggled with dinner and if we did a random night we just had a delivery from a local restaurant.

Yes I would also say

“sorry I have already prepared X meals and muffins, and can drop them at X time. I won’t be able to participate in the formal train you have set up due to work commitments”

And that’s totally fair enough, I suppose wider context is I’m 30 weeks pregnant with baby number 2, have a toddler to consider as well, and my partner works evenings & I work full time so was just trying to be there for her but just don’t know where that leaves me in terms of trying to help lol

i just was always appreciative of any help people were trying to give without managing it, I don’t want her feeling like I’m not helping/supporting her

I’d just say “I’m not going to be able to make your drop off times so sadly I’ll not be joining the train, but let me know if you’d like me to bring over a few bits I’ve made at [insert convenient day and time for you here.]”

A few meals or treats from friends is lovely. An organised meal train when she has a husband (assuming he is fit and able) is bonkers, handling a baby and preparing food between two people doesn’t need this level of assistance.

Txt her to drop the food at their place.

If she doesn't want it put it on your dinner table.

Wow, 2 months of dinners, with terms and conditions, that's really grabby.

If I were you I'd contact husband, say that signing up to the formal scheduled thing doesn't work for you, but you've already prepared a couple of freezer meals so could you agree a time to drop them over.

I've never heard of this. Unless she's specifically discussed and agreed it with people in advance it sounds unbelievably entitled, especially dictating specific drop off times and food requests!

If she’s a really good friend why can’t you ask her?

I don’t really understand the need to drop food round at all for most families though. If they’re all at home (so special care etc) can’t her husband just do the cooking? What we did was my husband would cook on the evening and the leftovers would be my lunch the next day.

I have only seen this within military housing where the spouse is overseas and the new mum is coping on her own. You don’t have to join in, just take over what you’ve prepared and as they are fir the freezer no doubt the meals will be well received.

I’ve never heard of a food train. It is possible to cook your own dinner whilst looking after a newborn. You have kindly made her a meal. Give it to her as planned.

I’ve seen online that certain cultures routinely do food trains.
I’m not from one of them and wonder if for those accustomed it’s more an act of duty, hence not done as a gift, so impersonal posts are more normal?
If she was a close enough friend that I’d drop food over for, I’d know if this was her cultural norm.
on the surface of what you’ve written I’d consider her post grabby, self centered and immature.

I think it’s cheeky frankly. Where’s the father in all this? Surely that’s part of what they’re meant to be doing and part of the reason for paternity leave. If a friend of mine was struggling for genuine reasons I would bring some food if asked but I think organising everyone to run round after you is bloody cheeky!

She did end up with an emergency c-section & even prior to that she did preface our friend group saying she would be purely focusing on her baby once she arrived so not to expect updates.

she Is a great friend but I do think she fell into a bit of a social media/boundaries washing machine in the last few weeks of her pregnancy- a lot of rules and expectations etc. I honestly think she’s just a tad hormonal & will settle but I have text her multiple times (as has her family and sister and other really good friends) and no one is really getting much response wise- which is fine like protect your peace/newborn bubble but she did say she wouldn’t be contactable lol hence why all queries are being directed to the husband 🙈

Fucking hell!

Bring me food at a time of my choosing but don’t expect to step foot inside the door or meet the baby?

I feel sorry for her IF she is under the illusion that this is how people behave, otherwise…she can do her own bloody cooking.

Proper CF behaviour 😮

I’d just message and say that 4-6 doesn’t work as you at work, but happy to drop round at weekend for freezer for a day she doesn’t get fresh. She can either take it or leave it

Does she have a big family?

This is hugely normal in DH’s family. They’re a huge family, very close, and everyone making 1/2 meals for the new parents would absolutely overload their freezer.

That said it’s normally one of the new grannies that organises it. When my DS was born they sorted our meals for 6 weeks. It was amazing. They did it again when DD was born. And very kindly they did the same when we took in my DN just over a year ago.

They also do it as nobody has enough space for the whole family to buy a gift (FIL was one of 15) 😂

God I’d hate other people cooking for me!
there are some seriously bad cooks out there!

Its very odd. Ive never heard of one. I have 4 kids. Never struggled for eating!

No it’s only her & her older sister, no cousins & her husband only has one sister as well lol

I think the freezer space is the only reason I’m overthinking it to begin with otherwise I would just drop it round and leave it on their doorstep, but if she had done her own batch cooking, I don’t want her stuck with food she can’t store