To pull back from supporting my best friend?

[IHeartDancing]

I (F54) have a best friend same age that I've known since secondary school. She was made redundant earlier this year after 20+ years and has been looking for employment since.

She received no redundancy pay (totally separate issue which I don't want to get involved in) and has been receiving benefits. The thing is, she is constantly asking for help with finding a job. Both myself and my daughter have been supportive, I compiled a CV for her and daughter took her to a job club. She is always really appreciative but I'm getting to the point where she's not taking any advice or doing anything to help herself.

At the weekend, she came around unexpectedly which wasn't an issue but I just wanted a quiet evening to myself and ended up listening to her for 5 hours. She was supposed to be coming over tonight to discuss things with me and my daughter but I have cancelled this as I haven't the mental energy to deal with her again tonight. I work FT and tomorrow is one of my office days so I have to be up early.

Just to add, she has no social media, no internet at home and is very paranoid about things in general. For instance, she asked me not to talk about her situation over the phone in case "someone was listening" this is literally the tip of the iceberg.......

Am I being unreasonable to cancel her coming over tonight? There's so much more to this and I don't want to drip feed a long post! Any advice would be welcome 🙂 Thank you.

YANBU to cancel. I think you might need to set out that you can't do midweek visits (or unannounced visits) though, as people who pop in and then stay for 5+ hours clearly don't have the same social norms as the rest of us, so may need it spelling out.

Sounds like she needs some support. Does she have a partner or family member who could be given a nod to ask her how she's doing?

I'd say no matter how much you decide to help, don't let your daughter be roped into any more - say she's far too busy, already got plans, working, has taken up padel, adopted a goat, etc etc. Shut that part down lest your daughter start to resent you for it!

She sounds like her own worst enemy. There would come a point where I would have to explain that she's impossible to help - ideally before it gets to the stage where you want to get angry with her.

Thanks for reading and replying 🙂 My daughter has the patience of a saint with her and has knowledge of the benefits system as an indirect part of her job. We've both tried putting boundaries in place but my friend is very persistent. For example if you say I'll be available at 5pm today (as I did) then she'll say well can I come earlier? 😬 I initially said that she could but that I'd be working and wouldn't be able to talk to her whilst I was working. I'd still have to stop and make her a drink/food which is fine, just not during my working hours! 🙃

I’ve got a friend like this and after many years of her monopolising nights out etc to talk about hating her current job, applying for new jobs, career change plans etc, I’ve come to the conclusion that she doesn’t actually want my advice. I feel quite silly about the many hours I’ve spent helping her search for jobs, fill in forms, research alternate career paths as it took me ages (and a gentle word from mutual friends who’d given up years before) to realise that she didn’t ever act on my advice.

The final straw was when she’d asked me to look at a person spec and JD for a job she wanted and give her some advice about what she could put in her statement. This was all very panicky as she only asked me the day before the application deadline. I basically stopped what I was doing that day, read up on the job and suggested things she could write. She didn’t acknowledge my email so I asked a few days later how she’d got on with the form and she said she’d changed her mind about the job. No thank you, no apology for my wasted time.

Cancel.

The old adage "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" comes to mind.

Thank you for this 🙂 It's exhausting isn't it? She is generally really thankful for our help but doesn't act on any advice given! I feel like I'm going around in circles.

I’d be taking a big step back.

It sounds like she either doesn’t actually want your advice, she just wants to have a moan about it with people she trusts; or she doesn’t want your advice but she’s just using it as an excuse to spend time with you; or she does want your advice but is struggling with some level of depression that makes it nearly impossible for her to actually do the thing she knows she needs to do. Procrastination is a huge part of depression. Everything seems so incredibly difficult, even if you hide it and make out like everything is great. The paranoia would make me lean towards her struggling with her mental health.

However, you aren’t a support facility and you need to put firm boundaries in place. If you’re happy to see her, tell her she can visit but you can’t talk about this issue because you only have capacity for a certain amount of stress each day. If she asks if she can come earlier, tell her no, because you’ve already explained that you won’t be available until the time you gave her. If she’s asking for too much, tell her you love her, but she’s asking for more than you have available to give. Tell her the spoons theory and explain that your spoons are empty. If she asks for more advice, ask her what she did with the last lot of advice you gave her.

How on earth is she ever going to find a job with no internet?

both tried putting boundaries in place but my friend is very persistent. For example if you say I'll be available at 5pm today (as I did) then she'll say well can I come earlier? 😬 I initially said that she could

I think you misunderstand what a boundary is. It's not something you tell other people about and they stick to. It's something you tell your self about and you stick to. So in the above example, telling her "at 5pm" isn't a boundary, it's just a piece of information. The boundary would be saying "No" when she asks if she can come earlier.

Try enforcing the boundaries you need and you will find your relationship feels less draining.

But also agree with others that if she isn't following any of your advice, she's probably looking for company and supportive space. So don't drop things you want to do to pick up the tasks she sends your way. Set the time aside you want to spend with her and stick to that. If she asks advice turn it and you don't have any suggestions off the top of your head, turn it around on her and ask what she thinks as you don't know. Don't research for her or put too much time into what is, in a sense, busy work.

I wanted to say this too!

I am actually concerned about her mental health. The paranoia she has about everyday things isn't normal. I have suggested that she goes to the doctors as I think she's clinically depressed.

I've suggested she uses the internet at the job club or skills hub. Her paranoia about every day things is off the scale. She's always been a very private person which is fine, but the suspicion about everything is definitely not normal.

Thank you, this is actually very good advice as I hadn't thought of boundaries in that way before.

'I think you misunderstand what a boundary is. It's not something you tell other people about and they stick to. It's something you tell your self about and you stick to. So in the above example, telling her "at 5pm" isn't a boundary, it's just a piece of information. The boundary would be saying "No" when she asks if she can come earlier.'

Such great advice, and easy to forget. Boundaries are harder work than most people think, but also v effective if you're serious

Sorry- I’ve just realised I didn’t actually give you any advice and just rambled on about my own friend 🤣 the point I was trying to make was that it can take a while to realise (or someone else to point it out) that the effort and thought that goes into the advice is wasted. Sorry she’s taken it out of you. You sound like a lovely friend (as does your daughter) but it sounds like you’ve done all you can and it’s up to her to take the reins now!

It definitely sounds like there are more issues going on than just the redundancy. You would not be unreasonable to severely reduce any time and energy you spend supporting her, especially as she doesn't seem to be taking anything you say onboard.

That is very difficult.

A family member does the overstaying we put leaving times on invites now.

Like “see you for dinner we are free from 2-4.”

I’d say she thinks we are mad and very rude but needs must and we only ever do it for her because of the overstaying.

If she isn’t getting the hint at leaving time we make like we are leaving and bustle her out the door.

I’ve become very direct with her when necessary too.

I strongly suggest it for your situation, It is a version of matching energies.

I think she needs help but it sounds like you’ve already realised that

Paranoia about who might be listening…. Isn’t that a classic sign of major problems? I mean, what does she even do that somebody listening could be such a massive issue?

I would be very careful with this.

In terms of just a job, I would say to her that you feel she’s not acting on any advice. If she doesn’t have Internet at home, how does she even job hunt?

I know someone in a similar situation in terms of age and redundancy… obviously she has Internet at home because everybody does! But she is very reluctant to accept that her sector has changed and that’s causing massive issues with her job hunt.

Really it just means that she’s got to learn a couple of bits, but she’s not willing to do it. I have said to her that I’m not prepared to indulge all the complaints anymore. She thinks I’m being really unfair and she thinks she shouldn’t have to learn anything new at her age but if she wants to keep building her career, how do you get out of learning new things?!

it’s no longer a topic of discussion for us, but it does sound like your friend has quite serious problems I’m afraid sorry

Yes, she is my best friend of over 40 years 🙂 but I am not a mental health professional and short of dragging her to the doctors I don't see what else I can do? If I messaged her family with my concerns (I have thought about doing this) she would go ballistic. She's a very private person to the extent that I had to remove her email address from the CV I'd compiled for her and that's only one minor thing amongst many.

I will always be here to support her but it's frustrating when all your suggestions and advice go by the wayside. I lost my mum earlier this year and had to take time off work with depression, so although I'm sympathetic I'm not 💯 in a good place myself sometimes.

Thank you for responding 🙂 This resonates with me so much. She has a learned skill, I can't say too much without it being outing. I've suggested using this to do some freelance work as she does drive and has a car. She only wants to work 9-5 Monday to Friday and "not too far from home" She hasn't even applied for any jobs, she's just been asking about in local businesses and handing out copies of her CV 🤷