To think my in-laws hate me

[Justascapegoat]

Not really sure how to describe what's going on I might not make any sense.

I just don't think dhs siblings have any respect for me as a person. Things were complicated when me and dh first met he was going through a difficult break up and Im sure they judge me for getting involved in such a messed up situation like they think anyone worthwhile would have stayed away but they don't know the full story.

Even though it's been years I feel like they think I need to prove myself in some way and nothing I do is good enough.

MIL needed quite a bit of care for the last few years of her life and because me and dh lived nearest we were expected to do most and when I say we actually it meant me. I wouldn't have minded looking after MIL it was just dhs siblings attitude. Instead of thanks for taking our mum to her appointments for example I would get why didn't you mention this? Why didn't you ask about that? Because I didn't know I was supposed to?? I know they were worried about their mum but they just thought it was ok to take it out on me because I don't matter.

Both his siblings have divorced and remarried and their new spouses have instantly been accepted in a way I never have. They all meet up a lot without me and dh and I see the pictures on facebook of sil and bils new wife looking like their best friends who've known eachother forever.

I know it all sounds stupid to get upset over but I'm just sad that me dh and our dcs don't have the family relationships we thought we would.

Now MIL has died I don't know if dhs siblings will even bother with me at all. Once everything's been sorted out and her flats been sold then I'll just be completely pointless to them.

I think in a situation like this you need to make peace with what you can’t control. You can’t make them like you or behave decently, no matter how much effort you put in.

I’d drop the rope right now, to be honest. Are you still dealing with his mother’s flat/affairs? If so, stop right now. Part of this is on your DH, to be honest. He should have had firm words with his siblings when they were criticising you. He can deal with anything that still needs doing.

That sounds hard. What does your DH think? Does he get on with his siblings and want to maintain a relationship with them?

I'd leave him to manage his relationship with his siblings and take a massive step back. Stop looking at their social media, it will only continue to hurt you. It is sad that you feel you haven't got the family support you would have hoped for but they won't change.

I've been the SIL taking care of the MIL with ungrateful siblings in law. In the end I chose to take the stance that I was glad I was able to help her, I know she was grateful and any criticism from them was them feeling guilty at not helping. I ignored them and no longer see/speak to them. DH keeps his distance as well but if he sees them he goes on his own.

PS Don’t feel stupid for being upset. Most people would at least find it very strange that their in-law siblings are unpleasant to them when they’ve done a lot to help the family.

Can you not respond back by saying you were doing a favour and they would have been better to attend appointments? I just wouldn’t take that. You need to nip it in bud when it happens

Do you want a relationship with them? Who cares if they don’t like you, you don’t like them
so it’s perfect?

It’s incomprehensible to me why you’ve been an unpaid carer for your MIL, though. That’s on your DH to sort out with his siblings. Were you doing it to be ‘accepted’?

Aside from that, just accept that they don’t like you, and let your DH facilitate relationships between your children and their cousins.

You allowed yourself to be used by them and they have zero respect for you.
Their treatment of you is clearly that.
They were never nice people but you chased them and then became skivvy carer for their mother.
I'm sorry OP but if you had more self worth you wouldn't have allowed yourself to be used like this.

Some people are not nice.
You are a nice person and they used you.
You hoped they would grow to like you for who you are and what you did.
You were wrong.

Move on with your life and forget about them.
There is no point hoping things will change.
Going forward make no effort whatsoever, leave it to your husband.

Your husband sounds no better allowing you to be used as free skivvy carer for his mother.
Suited him too no doubt.
Wake up and protect yourself better going forward.

I know I could just accept I'm never going to have a good relationship with my in-laws and move on but it's the reason they don't like me that's hard to deal with.

Because I met dh when he was breaking up with his ex they judge me for things that happened then even though they were nothing to do with me. I thought if they could just see past that they would like me. I've spent years trying to prove I'm not what they think I am but it was all pointless wasn't it.

You seem very invested in a relationship with them. I have no idea what my husband's siblings think about me and my life choices, nor do I care. They're pleasant enough when we meet up, rarely, as I am to them. That's enough for me. If they have opinions about me, that's fine and it has no affect on my life. The only people's opinions that I care about are those that know me and that I care about.

If your husband's siblings don't like you, don't let it bother you. Concentrate on the people in your life that matter to you. Let your DH deal with his own siblings, you don't need to be involved. And delete them or mute them on social media - you don't need to see what they're doing and getting upset over perceived slights.

Yes, it was.

I'm sorry - it's hurtful but you just can't make someone like you, even if you're the loveliest person imaginable.

Dismiss them from your mind and move on unencumbered.

I get you, OP. I’ve always felt this way about my in-laws. When I first met them I was 24 yo (a young 24 yo and vulnerable after coming out of an abusive relationship) and I was so grateful for having met my now-dh that when his family expected me to jump through hoops I did it because I wanted to impress them and be accepted. But I found that the more I did, the more they expected, and I slowly realised that it didn’t matter how much I did for them or how I behaved, I was always treated differently to my BIL (married dh’s sister). He was treated like royalty in the family, whereas I was treated like an irrelevance and simply a vessel to carry their son’s baby. They won’t admit it but I know it was because I’m English and they are originally from another European country (as was this BIL). So he got more respect than me simply because he was the same nationality as them, and also because he was male. I also found it frustrating that I was expected to behave just as well, if not better than my BIL, yet the in-laws consistently treated me less than him. They had such high expectations for everyone else’s behaviour but such low expectations of their own, and once I realised that I started changing my stance.

I’ve been with my dh for over 20 years and I stopped the hoop jumping the moment I gave birth to my first dc over a decade ago when my FIL started referring to me as “the milkman” when I was breastfeeding my dd… “The baby is crying…she wants the milkman” and the family all laughed. This joke was made every time I saw them until I stopped breastfeeding my dc at 13 months old and then resumed again when I had my second dc. In between those times, he also just referred to me as “the mother” rather than by my name and some of the others followed suit. It made me realise how little he and the family thought of me because when I brought it up and told them they should refer to me by my name, they all acted like it was a joke and then said it was a language thing and it translated better in their language. This may or may not be true, but the fact was they were saying it in English and I had asked them not to and yet he continued knowing I didn’t like it.

So I stopped all effort with them. I would socialise with them occasionally but I stepped back completely the rest of the time as I knew there was nothing I could do to get their acceptance. My FIL died a few years ago and now the family are trying to pull me back in again and guilt tripping dh and I because I/we spend so little time with them and I put little effort in. But for me that ship has sailed. They had over 20 years to treat me decently and respectfully and like a member of the family and they chose not to do that so they don’t get to be all sad and disappointed about it now.

OP, you need to accept that these people are never going to treat you like family and find a way to move on. You won’t find happiness by chasing them.

Thanks for your replies. It's kind of reassuring to see people saying I don't need their acceptance.

I won't put myself out for them anymore. Dh can see them without me if he wants to. Actually I think he already sees them more without me than he does with me so they probably won't even notice or care if I don't see them.

I don't think they even see me as a human being.

I wouldn't have minded caring for MIL its just my in-laws attitude that I should do everything because I had nothing better to do because I only exist as dhs wife not a human with a life of my own. Never mind that I have a demanding full time job and children to look after as well I'm not human so I don't need to rest or do anything I enjoy.

Sorry I think the floodgates are opening.

But no one had you at gunpoint, OP. Why wasn't your DH caring for his own mother along with his siblings? In what way did your ILs communicate that you 'had nothing better to do'?

No I wasn't held at gunpoint it was just that dhs siblings live too far away to do much and because I work three long days instead of 5 days a week they thought I must have loads of free time and nothing to do in it.

They just assumed I would always be free to look after MIL. For instance they wouldn't say are you able to take mum to the doctor's on Monday? They'd just say You need to take mum to the doctor's on Monday.

I had to do it because it wasn't fair on MIL if I didn't.

I wasn't the OW. His break up with his ex was nothing to do with me.

I'm sorry OP.
You didn't have to do it.
People say no.

My friend retired 3 years ago as a nurse and her BIL rang her husband to say that she needed to be doing hospital appointments etc., going forward.

She lit off her husband and told him that for years his brother and wife had free childcare and babysitting.
Never once had they stepped in when she was stuck, he was working away and she had had night duty, and was juggling childcare.

She made it crystal clear that her had won retirement was not going to be spent involved in any way with his parents elder care.
She had also helped her parents during these years.
She has never gotten involved.
No way was she now going to be used.

She has never regretted her decision.

My point is for your future is to learn how to say no.
Otherwise people will take advantage of your kind nature.

Their reason shouldn’t matter to you. It’s irrelevant. They are users. Turning their reasons over in your head tells me you still haven’t accepted that they used you and you are still grasping for their endorsement.

Your DH is no better than they are to allow you to care for his mother and tolerate his siblings’ disregard of you. Your DH is a user and continues to see them, now mostly without you, and he is totally unaffected.

It’s up to you what you do but just completely step away if I was you.

I wish I had said no at least some of the time. It just felt like it would have been mean to refuse to help when I was off work anyway.

Good for your friend for not letting herself be used.

I know OP.
Nice people like you are ripe to be used by even those closest to them.

My friends husband is a nice man, but if she had said yea sure no problem, he would've let her crack on doing the appointments.

As it was she went through him for a short cut for even repeating what his brother had said to him. He had been travelling for work whilst she literally juggled it all for a few years on her own.

He was put so firmly in his box he never ever mentioned caring duties again.
She was very annoyed with him at the time.
He knew well that they had said no can do, when she asked them twice to help when she was very stuck.

Your husband allowed you to be used.
He's more like his siblings than you realise.

Best thing you can do with these emotions is not be used again, by anyone.

They sound awful. But you can’t change people and its more than likely nothing you can resolve yourself. Distance yourself for your own peace

That’s when you say ‘No, your mother,’ surely?

Did they suspect that you were part of the reason for DH's first marriage breakdown?

What has DH been doing, why hasn't he stood up for you and taken more of his own mother's care?

Maybe it shouldn't matter why but it still does to me.

It's like they have to blame someone for things that happened when he broke up with his ex and they can't blame her because she painted herself as a victim and they can't blame him because he's their brother so they have to blame me because there's no one else even though it had nothing to do with me.

I always thought they'd move past that and like me once they got to know me.

I don't know maybe it's nothing to do with that and they just don't like me anyway.