To be put off this newly budding friendship?

[Nee215]

I might be overthinking. I think I’m ND but never diagnosed but I know my thinking is sometimes quite different to how others think and feel but I want to get opinions on this please:

I’ve been trying to widen my social circle as I feel quite lonely and isolated. I invited a neighbour for coffee a couple of weeks ago not a direct neighbour but roughly 9 or 10 houses down, same street but further away. I know her as our kids are same age and I often bump into her when we go park and shopping. She seems like a decent person and is funny and outgoing, but I’m kind of getting put off by a couple of things. Firstly when she came to my home she kept commenting on how beautiful and clean and big it is but not like a little comment she literally went on on and on and made me feel uncomfortable. I did say to her it’s not always so clean and I cleaned as they were coming but usually toys everywhere and in kids bedrooms you can’t see the floor sometimes.

She kept commenting how she wishes they had more money and her husband was motivated to get promoted she said he told her they would be living in their dream home by the time they got to 40’s. This was all said in front of my kids and her kids btw. All kids in primary school so impressionable.

She made out they’re struggling to make ends meet which made me feel guilty (I don’t know why but I often feel guilty at things). But what I’m confused about is she told me they going away for half term! For context we haven’t been on holiday for 3 years as we renovated the house and bought a new car so didn’t really want to splash out on a holiday too. This neighbour goes away at least twice a year which is not my business but she acts like they are really poor.

We decided to take our kids trick or treating yesterday and her daughter and my daughter were walking together and she commented to mine “why is your house so big? How comes you have a huge home?” They are both 6 btw! So obviously she’s overheard the parents as my 6 year old doesn’t even notice anyone’s homes or cars when we go anywhere. She literally asked the question as soon as she saw my DD. This made me really uncomfortable. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking we’re rich! Because we most definitely are not! Would this make you uncomfortable too? Why is it making me so uneasy? I can’t understand my feelings a lot of the time so can anyone help me understand it?

I’m put off meeting them again as I don’t want to discuss money and honestly in front of my kids. I don’t want them growing up thinking of materialistic things

I think you’re hugely overthinking this.

So it wouldn’t put you off someone constantly taking about money and how “lucky” you are? Luck has nothing to do with it. We both work demanding jobs and put money into the house so it’s not luck.

This would make me feel a bit uncomfortable too.

@@Nee215 I mean, if it persists then perhaps but you’re talking about one coffee date. You said you’re feeling lonely and isolated, I’d just see how it goes and then if she continues to grate then let it cool off again. It’s really not a big deal.

Thank you for understanding! What would you say or do in the situation? Why do you think it makes us uncomfortable? I was trying to explain to DH but I can’t explain why I’m feeling like this I can’t find the right words

@Comeondoreen I’ve spoken to her 4 times in depth and quite often hi and bye prior to coffee as we bump into each other at the park often. She has spoken about money quite a lot. The first conversation I actually had with her was when she told me she loves my home and they had their eye on it when it got put on sale.

You feel put off and uncomfortable because it feels awkward when someone is jealous of what you have and keeps going on and on about how they don’t have it.

In my opinion it’s hard to have a jealous friend, I’ve been there done that (not money or size of house but a lot of other things) it’s uncomfortable and not nice.

I’d make one last attempt and see how it goes - you could even make a comment “aww I appreciate the compliment on our house but life isn’t always rosy and the house is usually a mess, I’d rather not talk about it anymore”

I’d be really wary about jealous friends as per my above comment x

Just say the harder you work you luckier you get.

An instant no from me

That’s really rude. Also, if they got it in their heads that you are really rich that is going to be a problem.

I’m sure there’s other places you can go to make friends. A word of warning, I do know people who won’t invite somebody over to their house for exactly this reason - better to meet for coffee first and see how it goes

@Wonderingmummy thank you! I think that’s what I’m feeling.

She is very jealous and I wouldn't want to be friends with her either.

It will not end well.

Thank you all for helping me process this.
DH thinks I’m too picky and that’s why I don’t have many friends.

Does she have many friends? She may have been being ott as she's lonely too.

Maybe see her again in a few weeks out of the house. Just change the subject every time she mentions money or houses? I'd probably say where's your next holiday? How lucky you are getting away 😉

I think this woman is discussing money more than would be usual in British culture when talking to someone you don't know well. I think that is what is making you uneasy. I wouldn't cut her off altogether, but I don't think I would make any effort to form a deeper friendship either.

As this is an anonymous forum I want to get an opinion on this too I feel like a complete bit*h saying this so obviously can only post on here! But her children grated on me too - the 8 year old made a comment to the mother in front of me saying “why don’t we have a playroom like they have?”. My kids would never think like this so does it mean mine may also be slightly ND? Like when the kids were talking about their upcoming holiday my kids didn’t seem to care! We haven’t been on holiday for 3 years and my children don’t seem bothered at all. Would your kids compare your home to a neighbours? Is this normal to? It just feels very like they compare what they have to others CONSTANTLY but truthfully I never think like that and I think DH and our kids are the same too in that they don’t look at what others have and be jealous. I don’t think they register how big or small someone’s house is or what they have and we don’t have.

Are we normal in regards to this or do people even as children compare what they have? Like obviously when we drive past lovely homes I do look and think wow but don’t think anymore about it and certainly don’t compare mine to a bigger house. I just admire it especially if it Christmas and it’s decorated nicely.

I think my next steps should be to obviously be polite but never have her over again and if she suggests coffee then at a coffee shop only. Definitely not meet up with the kids.

She just sounds like an awkward person herself. Going on about money or possessions is rude.
I'd probably see how it goes with time as she will get used to the house but if it doesn't improve or she doesn't seem to have other redeeming qualities I'd cool the friendship.

Just say that if they keep going on about it. Say you work hard, don't have holidays and pay everything into the house instead - and then shrug.

Some of the things said though I would just put down to chit chat and not overthink them - and you don't know each other well enough to know every intention behind a comment.

Thank you all. Can I ask how can I make some decent friendships? As a teen and young adult I often got into toxic friendships with mean girls that why once I got married and had kids I kind of stopped a lot of my friendships as I could see they weren’t good for me but now I want to get a nice group of even one or two nice people in my life

They sound like a family that's unusually conscious of material things and status. Mine think camping in Wales is a great summer holiday. And we/they have friends who have holidayed in Thailand, Egypt, Australia etc but it never feels like one-upmanship in this way. I'm happy for them.

This "friend" is showing you her true colours early. You feel she isn't a good match for you, so trust that feeling. Doesn't matter if others would agree or not, if you don't want her as a friend you don't have to continue with this.

Also ND here and I have no idea if that is relevant. But I definitely wouldn't like this either. It seems very rude and unnecessary.

I woukd probably not pursue the friendship if it continues to happen.

I think friendships are really hard when get older tbh, and most people have their own lives/way to do things.
No idea if have any free time but is there anything you like to do? A class, group, club? More like minded people with a shared interest to start a friendship with perhaps.

She obviously feels insecure. I live in a small house but loads of school parents have big posh houses. It does make one feel insecure/ inadequate.

thats all it is

see I am a suspicious cow and I'd be wondering if she was setting me up to tap me up for a loan.....you know "just a few quid I'll be fine again next week"

Perhaps she's a person who knows the cost of everything but the value of nothing . . .