Is co sleeping an SEN child a red flag?

[OakAshSycamore]

My new boyfriend is lovely, a very kind affectionate and a caring father.
He has 2 children in double figures and I've been getting increasingly uncomfortable about his co sleeping situation with his daughter. She has severe SEN (age 10) and consistently sleeps with him despite being able to sleep independently. I have raised my concerns over the lack of boundaries given her vulnerability this evening. He has become cross and defensive saying that he sees no reason to discourage co sleeping with him because it's what she chooses, she could sleep in her own bed but prefers sleeping with him and he's not going to do anything to change it.
AIBU to suggest she is vulnerable so clear boundaries about privacy/sleeping independently is more important in order for her to understand what's safe etc?

It's fine. Don't worry about it.

would you feel differently if she was sleeping with her mum?
or if she was a boy?
im just wondering what is it that’s bothering you?

hes looking after his daughter

My DD and DS both have complex needs, they both would sleep in with me and/or their dad well into double figures. What do you think is going to happen?

If you’re worried he’s a peado then why are you even with him? This is really odd OP. She’s 10 and has SEN issues. My 9yo DD with auDHD will occasionally want to sleep with her dad - never occurred to me that people might think this odd!

if SHE wants it - it’s fine. When she no longer does - it stops

Wind your neck in, OP. Of course he’s going to be defensive when you, a new girlfriend, essentially accuse him of inappropriate behaviour with his child.

No, this in itself is not a red flag. Do you have other concerns about him that are making you see this as a problem?

With SEN kids (and, to be fair, probably all humans), you need to consider the bigger, long-term impact of things. Children with additional needs may be able to perform or tolerate lots of things in isolation, but there can be a cumulative and/or delayed impact as a result of these stressors.
So yes, she might seem perfectly capable of sleeping independently, but the impact of that stress could be affecting her day-to-day coping and overall ability to thrive. Even more so if she has to cope with sleeping in two different households due to her parents splitting up.

You seem to be worried he might be a paedophile?! Have I understood that rightly?

This child understands she is safe with her dad. There is no issue about boundaries.

This. You are essentially accusing him of being inappropriate

My middle child (10) no SEN often jumps in with us at night. He has nightmares . I would never turn him away. It’s not a red flag by itself.

New boyfriend so it’s not really your job to criticise his parenting. Have you met his kids? If so why?

It is not inappropriate for parents to co-sleep with children of any age who still seek the comfort derived from that, op. What exactly are you uneasy about? Or is it just that you have rigid ideas about how to parent? Tbf, most of us probably had fixed ideas about how it should be done, before we had an actual child to deal with.

This is safety for SEN kids, it’s regulation. It supports her to fall asleep/stay asleep and get through the next day. If your BF is able to do that for his daughter then why not? As a PP said, cumalitive stressors mount up for SEN children - there is a lot they ‘can’ do but it can cause nervous system overwhelm, their cup fills quickly. Therefore any support like this that supports their capacity to function in a society that frankly is intolerable then why not. so it’s fine - she’s a child, he is her father and he’s doing a great job.

I don’t think the OP should be attacked for feeling concerned. Everyone knows why,

She just would not have realised SEN children can be very anxious or get bad dreams without their parent/loved carer.

What do you think he’s going to do? If you think your boyfriend is going to assault her, why are you with him? He’s her father.

yes, fathers can be be abusive bastards. Is your boyfriend an abuser?

She’s still very young OP. You don’t mention what additional needs she has, but I know my own autistic son is far more emotionally immature and childish than other kids the same age. This is typical for autistic children, they’re generally ‘younger’ emotionally and so need a parent’s support for longer.

If you are that concerned repoet5hin to social services or the police and stop seeing him, how on earth can you sleep with someone if you think this?

Not many dads are willing to do that (sadly).

Lots of SEN children need to cosleep at that age, - and much older as well. As others have said, it's about safety and security and it helps the child to cope with daytimes better.

I'm a woman with a ten year old son and agree with his logic that it's ok because she has her own bed and it's her choice.
I would say it's weird for her to share a bed with you though actually, if she gets in for a cuddle while you're there.

More bloody ‘boundaries’
And yes you are

I currently have my 11yo asleep beside me.

What is your concern exactly?

I think your new boyfriend will, rightfully, be your ex soon enough.

I can't believe you had the brass neck to sit him down and 'raise concerns' about his, perfectly normal, parenting.

You are new on the scene and trying to tell him what to do with his kids…. It’s not a good look.

Thanks everyone, Interesting to hear that most feel it's not a red flag which is reassuring in a way.
My question marks are around him protecting both of them I guess. She sleeps entirely independently when at her mum's house. He removed her bed with him as he said she always chooses to sleep with him so his bed is their bed. Sometimes they aren't clothed or minimally clothed. I work in education so I guess I have a heightened radar on stuff like this.