Crush on younger colleague

[Skyflyinghigh]

Sorry this is long.
So I know I am being totally unreasonable but need a combination of hand hold and gentle (please) kick up the arse
DH and I going through a rough patch. We are usually quite strong but various life events (bereavement, ill health etc) have caught up with us. I feel he is old before his years and I am a bit bored. He is a good man but 11 years older than me and recently took early retirement and become a bit set in his ways.
A few months ago I moved departments at work and have become fixated on a younger male colleague. He’s not that handsome or charming but he fascinates me. He has shown absolutely no interest in me other than professionally and is polite at best. I, on the other hand, am like a love sick teenager. I think about him constantly, make any excuse to interact with him at work and generally behaving quite ridiculously, though I don’t think he is aware, as I’m not on his radar and behave professionally around him. I hate the weekends as I don’t see him. I know this is probably Limerence but I fantasise about being with him all the time and spent nearly half an hour in the car crying tonight as I won’t see him until Monday and know there is no chance of us ever being together.
I know I am being totally ridiculous but I’ve no idea how to break the cycle of longing for him. I’m a reasonably attractive, usually perfectly normal woman who doesn’t “do” this. I love my DH and our life and know we will get through this bad patch but I don’t want to be so miserable. I have this utter longing for this young man who has no idea that I really exist. I suspect he is merely a catalyst to my problems at home but how do I stop the longing and misery in the meantime? I try and keep busy which helps but not all the time.
I know I sound utterly pathetic but maybe getting this out of my head will be cathartic. Has anyone else been in this position and come out the other side?

I've been there often, at different points of my life. I've chosen before to act on it, and ignored most. They all eventually fade. I try to ride the highs and manage the lows, while keeping a distance. Because its often a really bad idea acting on it. Specially if like in your case, you're married. It'll blow over. Its a nice distraction while things aren't so great.

Thank you. I’d love the distraction if I wasn’t so miserable all the time about him. I KNOW nothing will ever happen between us but I’m like a teenager with her first love.

It’s perfectly normal & healthy to be infatuated with someone it’s what you do about it thats important within the context of your relationship with your husband, although I expect you knew that!
From the sounds of it you probably wouldn’t put your relationship at risk with a full blown affair so my suggestion is enjoy!
Be kind polite and smile a lot with him. Dress nice and do your make up, wear perfume & lingerie to boost your confidence, your DH will enjoy the effort & you the attention. X

You sound very self aware that this infatuation is a symptom of the marriage issues.

It is ok to cry but I think be honest what you are so upset about, it is not this chap specifically it is probably deeper e.g. aging, feeling undesired by DH, maybe fear of the future with DH retiring and changing in ways that negatively impact you.

Maybe a few counselling sessions to talk through your feelings or journalling to speak your truth. It sounds like you have been holding it together for a long time.

To cut this short, you need to train yourself to think of colleague as someone with a major flaw.

eg. James is gorgeous but such a pity he has a micro penis and can’t have sex. And he has hygiene problems and stinks at home.

none of this needs to be true, but if you repeat it in your head every time you see him, the irrational desire will listen and fade.

This happened to me last year after 16 years together/11 years married.

Initially I felt alive, it was exhilarating.

Then like youre experiencing it became overwhelming in a negative way. It started in October through a project I was linked in with and by January I was actually sick of the torment of dawn to dusk thinking of the person.

After 1 meeting where rather than the topic, I was having sexually intrusive thoughts tge whole meeting and I thought this is enough.

So I actually booked a therapist and did about 4 sessions. On the 2nd session she gave me homework to write a letter to the person, just for me to read out in therapy.

I had so much to say it was 9 pages long, it took me ages to write in amongst work and family life. I kept re-reading it to myself, to edit it and i also read it out loud to myself numerous times when i got the chance.

I was told to write everything down, lay it all out including my sexual desire, everything. Basically the full story. And to include my best case scenario with them.

As I wrote, edited, read the letter -the power was taken put of my limerance, by the end of it, once I'd completed it I felt almost indifference.

And my best case scenario at the end was sensible, along the lines "this experience has been difficult for me, but i have felt alive because of you for the first time in many years. I think you are a great person and I hope you have a great life"

Anyway i spent my 3rd session reading out my letter for 30 minutes non-stop. Then we discussed how I felt and i explained about the fascination being gone etc. I could remove myself from project however I wanted to check how I would be, I wanted my own closure.

Then i had to see them at meeting and i was able to concentrate and thankfully felt nothing.

So at 4th session with therapist I wrapped things up and I made that my last session snd made arrangements to move on from the project too. I wanted a clean break.

I do still think of them occassionaly, but more so how alive I felt, when comparing it to my rocky and passionless marriage.

I did experience that alive feeling with my husband when we were first together, ive had a great love, when some people never experience that in their lifetime. But like you theres been many external challenges that have ground down our romantic love.

I have my sensible head on that in this economy and just being a good team in general, its best to sit tight in my marriage.

Luckily for me the other person wasnt interested in me, otherwise I might not be together with my family with finacial stabilty and being part of a team with my husband etc. because if they had shown romantic interest toward me I think the limerance would have caused me to make some destructive choices.

Hope this is of intetest and of help somewhat. Good luck.

There is a man at work for whom I sometimes get feelings, they bubble up and then die down again. It's really annoying, especially as he's just been promoted to line manager. I try to close the tab when the thoughts start. DH and I have a good relationship. I think your best plan of action is to work on your relationship with your dh as it seems that this infatuation is a symptom of something else.

Thank you. I was expecting to be ripped apart but you have been so kind
@TimeDoesntStandStill thank you for sharing your experience. The letter is a great idea and I might do something like that. The longing and mental anguish is awful isn’t it?

I know my DH has started to notice I’m not present in our marriage. He is a good man and I love him but the spark and joy is missing just now. I know my fixation on this lovely young man is a distraction from my day to day life.

Yeah my husband and i dont really have time to share romantic love. We have about 2 evenings free per week for a couple of hours while kids are at clubs and we both end up in the house alone. But we end up tackling life admin.

And i say to myself could any new relationship be rainbows and unicorns with such limited time together? Answer No.

Add onto that pressures of daily life and carrying past traumas we've endured.

My relationship isnt great. But we're family, we're a team. Im not super happy but Im not totally misrable either.

I think my experience last year just brought into focus that my husband and I don't share a romantic love. But I've sort of just accepted it now, maybe things will be different in the future when the kida are older? Until then I am just focusing on myself, I've actually recently started a short course and a little new volunteering, just to add extra elements to my life.

The mental anguish as you say, was relentlessly exhausting, I'd never even heard of limerance until it happened to me. It was like a bolt of lightning aswell, just that initial glance at first meeting and I felt like I was riddled with electric desire and it didnt relent until that letter 4 months later. Dawn to dusk consumption of my thoughts. It was hard.

I can relate to your marriage as I feel the same way We are a good team and get on well but no real passion. This man is so intelligent and he just fascinates me. I know it’s all in my head. I have invented a whole life where we are together. It’s exhausting.
I am hoping DH and I can get back on track. He doesn’t believe in “counselling nonsense” but I might try on my own to get my own head sorted

I had this with a guy at work. I was at the Xmas party with him and nothing then a few weeks later all of a sudden I started finding him attractive and acting stupid around him. I didn’t want to feel like this. I’m happily married, we’re not perfect but I’m not seeking someone else. I think he’s married anyway with kids but that’s besides the point. The other week I was chatting to him and noticed he has an annoying habit of talking over me and it started to fade what with trying to notice his bad points and that sometimes he is away for work so I don’t see him as much. I think I didn’t actually fancy him. I like him as a person and due to previous experiences I confuse that when it’s men.

This is your age, your life stage and your circumstances, and is almost guaranteed to pass leaving you at some future point wondering what on earth were you thinking.
Until that happy day arrives, the key is to focus on getting through and managing yourself.
Do let yourself cry. You're crying for all sorts, your rough patches, your changing life stage, your marriage disappointment he's just become a point to focus it on. So let it out.
Do try to focus on any changes you can and want to make in your life. And if things can't be changed, work out how you can live around them.
Introduce some fun things and distractions for yourself.
Be very strict about how you behave towards this man. What may seem like a good idea or something you simply have to do or say, is more than likely the very opposite, and could make your life a great deal worse, for something I'm willing to bet you won't even want that much soon.

It will pass with time, even though it feels like it won't.
You're right that it relates to some underlying issues with your marriage. It happened to me once, I followed advice you'll get on here about channelling the energy you're spending on the limerance into your relationship with DP.

I can totally relate. Yes Id also planned a new life in my head, it was so bad. Thinking theyre this wonderful top tier person, when after the letter thing at therapy it was all diffused, like a deflated balloon!

I ended up telling my husband after I finished therapy, and we did some marriage counselling but we've been there before after things like kids hospital etc. So hes not against marriage therapy. It helped somewhat for us to get back to plodding along and thats it really.

I just try and tell myself ive been lucky to experience true love and passion with my husband, some people dont get to experience that. And now i focus on the next chapter of my life, which is in some ways boring but i dont fight it. I suppose im just realistic now about my own life.

A 3 pronged attack:

Firstly - you! As previous poster suggested, work on you and your self esteem. Is there something you've fancied doing, to yourself (hair, clothes ect) or as an experience (weekend away ect) or a new pass time. Dance class , pottery ?

Husband - what can he do to relight your fire? Tell him! Let him know you're feeling a bit flat with life (don't blame him - more in a 'bring him along' way) so let's do x y z ... More evenings out, more sex, a fancy hotel, getting covered in oil and drinking a bottle of JD together .... whatever floats your boat !

Lastly ... him. (how much younger are we talking here?)
Maybe dare to imagine the scenario where he notices your attention and he takes you aside and asks what's going on. Your face gets hot as he tells you you're being unprofessional and you're making him uncomfortable.

Imagine the scenario where he says ok let's go and have a shag ! Imagine facing your husband afterwards. Have you got kids OP? Imagine explaining to them that you've slept with a young guy at work and their dad has found out and wants you out of the house.

Imagine getting side eye at work and finding out he's told someone that he's fed up with your attention. He thinks you're having a mid life crisis. You don't know who else knows ....

💐 Good luck - lots of good advice on this thread.

I have had so much good advice on here and I am so very grateful.
I am hoping once DH has had surgery and on the road to recovery we can reconnect. We do have children (all grown up) and have faced a lot together.
The last point really resonated with me (thank you). I would be mortified if I thought he knew I had these feelings for him. As far as I know I’m not even on his radar other then when he needs something work wise but I’m cringing here at the thought of him finding out and being horrified and/or laughing at me. There is 18 years age gap (so I am old enough to be his mother). Even worse if I had sex with him and had to face my family.
I think I’ll book a hair appointment and get that last half stone off I’ve been talking about all year and do something for me.
Thank you again for your really great advice

I agree with the other poster who said you seem very self aware. What's in your head is your brain's way of distracting you and helping you cope with reality. It's a coping mechanism.
For some people it's celebrities, which is probably easier to deal with since there is zero day to day interaction but it's the same thing. Your brain knows there is little to no chance of an actual relationship, so it constructs a fantasy. It's like getting into a great novel except this is just inside your own head.
Because you're not pursuing an actual relationship, you're free to make this person exactly what you want/need them to be. It's a break from reality which is probably what you need.
It's not at all uncommon and it will pass. Although it may take time. Either you'll find out something about him that will break the spell or something in your own life will change and you'll move on.
In the meantime, don't beat yourself up about it.

Thank you for your kindness. I hope it passes. I’ve kept myself deliberately really busy today with family and he’s on annual leave from a week on Monday so I’ll have 2 weeks with no contact. I’ve had the odd pang today but nothing too bad

Just to update I confided in a close friend, had a little cry and she gave me some strategies to help. She has been through it. We read about how he is giving me a dopamine hit like a slot machine and also said I’m not auditioning for his affection and validation so stop looking in to every single email to find a hidden meaning. Keep it short and professional. The longing hasn’t gone but it’s maybe easing a little bit

Good update! What a cracking friend you have.