To wonder about people sometimes...

[Daisygreen1]

A lady at work led me to believe I mattered in her life, I had loads in common with her (we did not have work in common as we didn't work in the same office) we and one or two others met almost every day at work for lunch. We had niche interests in common and could talk for ages.
We met a couple of times (her and I) since I left, she said we'll meet again (a few weeks ago). I've not heard since. Maybe she has a lot on. Maybe she will get in touch. I don't know and am finding it hard to move on and wondering if it's anything I've done wrong. If I just knew for sure if she was fading from my life intentionally then I could move on, eventually.
Had this with quite a few people (not everyone but the friendships I have made-have all but one-fizzled out) and if they don't want to see me again, I'd rather they just not suggest meeting.
(I am not going to send her any more messages. I just said my availability a while ago, as you do?).
If someone invites me out again I'll just say 'great!' and see what happens.
I have just one friend as it is, so when someone suggests meeting again, I enthusiastically seize on it. Lesson learned.

You no longer work there. This is what happens.

I mean sending someone your availability and inviting them to do something on a specific day/time etc are completely two different things. If a friend just sent me her availability I prob would never get round to messaging and organising something. Life can be busy life gets in the way. Just be up front and ask if she’s free for a catch up

This all sounds a bit intense and like you are thinking about it a lot. It's only been a few weeks. People have busy lives and it can be hard to find time to socialise outside of work. I have very good friends that I have known for decades and we can all be useless at getting something booked in the diary. I am confident none of us think about the meaning of this at all, and the only thought would be, "Oh I really should get in touch with Annabelle to arrange lunch, it's been ages and we are due a catch up" Annabelle is likely doing exactly the same thing about Emma! When Annabelle and Emma do get together that have a fabulous time, it's like there has no been no time at all, and both vow to be a bit better at booking thighs in. Rinse and repeat! I think it's just normal part and parcel of being an adult with responsibilities

Work colleagues very VERY rarely stay in touch @Daisygreen1 (Once you leave the workplace, or when they leave....) So don't take it personally.

As has been said, you do seem a bit intense and needy. That will drive people away. Just try to chill a bit, and stop the contact. If she wants to stay in touch, she will contact you. If she doesn't, then she isn't worth bothering with.

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The opening line is very intense. She led you to believe you mattered in her life?? Like she lead you on? It sounds like she was just being friendly.

I have got old work mates who I was extremely close to that I have never seen again. I think that's just life. It's social media which makes us stay in touch with someone artificially longer than we would have done otherwise, I believe.

Sure, dont keep messaging her if it isnt going anywhere. Its okay to feel a bit sad about that. But these things happen in life and will continue to do so. Not sure it means someone is leading you on.

You haven't done anything wrong - she enjoyed your company in that context. The context has now changed.

Most friendships are forged on convenience and environment and don't survive changes.

Friendships come and go depending on what you are doing and stage of life etc. Life gets in the way. I wouldn't take it personally.

Message her and ask how she is . Ask her to meet up , if it’s a no then move on .

Work friendships often die out when you no longer have work in common. It’s not an unusual situation and you need to look at ways of increasing your social circle in other ways. Look for local groups to join - dance/choir/exercise/walking etc whatever interests you.

I agree with the PP who said you’re being a bit intense about what most people would consider a fairly casual friendship.

Thank you everyone for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

I think OP you were right to think that your friendship could continue.
Some people can be thoughtless and it's a shame as you feel ghosted.
I agree more effort is required on both sides. I find it odd when anyone gets on really well with another and then no contact. The result is baffling

As I left the building leaving a job I was hugged and told we were friends for life, we would be there for each other, by the time I got home I was blocked on social media and not heard from them again. I was upset and then decided it was a them issue and I'm better off without 'friends' like that.

Thank you very much for this, the person had said I would need to keep in touch, would be really missed and organized us meeting up. I know they are the sort of person who keeps in touch because they have friends all over the place. Ayway, will just keep busy and try to forget about it.

We had a lot in common outside of work. We didn't work in the same office so never talked about work really.
Thank you, yes, will keep an eye out for other things to do.

Be proactive. Contact her. Then if she puts you off, you know. It's happened to me with a good friend ( I thought) but she has stuff in her life that comes first and I must've kind of slipped down the list of importance.
So! "Hi Jenny, it would be great to catch up. Are you free for a coffee next Wednesday? We could go to X". Then she might say she can't do Wednesday but is free on Friday, or whatever. Give her plenty of notice.

Thankyou.
I never acted needy. Friends have nearly always been the ones to invite me out, I've never felt confident asking because I know their lives are busy.
Yes, I stopped contact with the work friend, will see. I know they have a lot on too, it's just the gut feeling the friendship has ended and I'd find it easier to move on if I knew for sure. Anyway, will see.

Unfortunately it can be a case of out of sight, out of mind. I think life gets busy and it happens. It is rubbish though, but I can see it from both sides.

So sorry to hear this.

Thank you, yes, I will do.
So sorry to hear that's happened with you, the fizzling out, I understand people have other stuff going on, it's happened quite a lot with me. It would be nice to have friends for life like my gran had friends she'd known for decades and my sister in law does.
I have one friend but recently she's started bringing a friend of hers and this friend is usually negative and tells us all about her life in minute and often disturbing detail. I feel very sorry for her, of course but at the end of our meet ups I feel drained and like an unpaid counsellor.
The work friend was the opposite.
Anyway, I'm feeling more positive, whatever happens.

You haven’t done anything wrong. She obviously liked you. This often happens with friendships that start at work because, when one person leaves, it’s hard to meet up as much for various reasons. It has only been a few weeks - perhaps she will be in touch.

I would say it’s unrealistic to expect to meet up anywhere near as regularly as you did when working together and having lunch. Most people don’t have as much time available to socialise at the weekend or in the evenings - it’s much easier when you can meet up during lunch break in work hours. I think most people - depending on their circumstances - might only be able to meet up once a month or every few months.

OP, you need to stop taking people literally. Just because they say things like ‘friends for life’ and other such things doesn’t mean that they’re sincere, they’re just words. Look instead at actions. Do people ring you, or message you? That shows intent and interest.

I’d leave it for now as far as this person is concerned.

Edit. Sorry, I’ve just seen that another pister said this, not you. As you were!

Respectfully, OP, she presumably has no idea that you have only one other friend, and has no idea that you’re so hyper-focused on her getting in touch— the language you’re using about this (‘led me to believe that I mattered in her life’, ‘finding it hard to move on’) suggests a romantic relationship that saw you being ghosted, not wondering whether a work friendship will survive you moving jobs.

You have agency here. If you genuinely value this person, get in touch.

Thank you, yes, I will do. It's not romantic, it was just in all my 50 years I've never met someone I get on with with so many things in common. I'm not hyper-focused anymore on hearing back from her and am able to see things more rationally now.

Well, OK, if you really value this friendship and want to see if it has legs beyond the situational aspect of a shared workplace, then you should contact her again with a specific plan eg quick drink after work on the 11th?