My father is dying and doesn’t want to see me

[SanctusInDistress]

Terminal illness, very sad, however convinced he is about to get miracle treatment thats going to cure him. Says he can’t cope with visitors, not even me for 10 minutes. I live abroad and willing to travel.

I know he will not get better.

Do I turn up anyway? AIBU to be upset? If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better I get called all sorts. He really is dying.

Mother changes the subject when I ask, or blows a gasket calling me demanding and manipulative.

what would you do?

Im facing double whammy of facing not seeing father again, and zero comfort from my mother.

What would seeing him bring you? What do you want from the interaction? Will you get it?

When was the last time you saw him?

Why are you telling him you don’t think he’ll get better? Even if it’s true, some people don’t want to face up to that or think about that - it’s their coping mechanism and that is their right.

Your father explicitly doesn’t want visitors + Mother changes the subject when I ask, or blows a gasket calling me demanding and manipulative.= don’t even think about rocking up unannounced

I’d be speaking to the doctors and check if he’s lucid. Then discuss it with them as to your dilemma. Personally I’d be there on hand to visit at the drop of a hat. No matter what, even if there’s bad blood between you, I’m sure a father would want to see his child before he dies

This is your answer “If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better”

She actually doesn’t have the right to any information from the doctor.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. What a troubling time for you. Is there an option for you to travel and stay nearby, tell him that so he knows you're there and available should he change his mind at the last minute and/or if he's unconscious you can sit with him.
Even if he doesn't change his mind, which I'm sure will be very difficult for you, you and your mum will be able to be together in that immediate aftermath.

Why do you need to explain to anyone why he won't get better, it's only upsetting people, what's your relationship with him like.

Terminal cancer, bedbound, morphine, incontinence, etc. you get the picture.

chance he is in his last weeks.

If they found out I’ve spoken with doctors…..

Play it his way. Tell him you believe him that he’ll get better.

Then book a hotel nearby and try and see him
every day for a week.

You don’t need to convince him he’s drying, he knows it, he just can’t admit it yet.

Sorry you’re going through this.

But you can’t just speak to doctors!! Patient confidentiality

I'd let him believe he'll get better, what harm does it do to let him have hope. Your mum knows but she doesn't need to be reminded, she is grieving already.

When did you last see him?

Stop telling him he won’t get better. Why do you think that’s helpful? It’s better to humour him, so you can see him if he’ll let you.

Don’t make his last days about you having to be right - this is him doing his best to cope with what’s coming his way.

He’s hanging on to denial as his comfort.

Go and see him and stop
telling him and your Mum he won’t get better.

Good grief!

Agree with nomas
ive seen this behaviour with people at end of life.
he may suddenly want to see you but too late if you’re far away and he could be confused- go see him and prioritise your own emotional wellbeing as well as your own comfort when you’re there - you do have a right to say goodbye

This a very bad idea. OP's Father's wishes need to be respected.

What is your general relationship like? How long would it take you to get there and how easy to organise?

I had a terrible relationship with my dad. When I got to his bedside, he knew he must be dying as we hadn't spoken in months. I regret going (which was at my siblings' request) and a) seeing him like that, and b) disturbing his peace in his last days.

If your relationship is better than mine was and you can get there closer to the end without telling him he is dying, which is not helpful to a man who isn't ready to face his mortality, then wait. Importantly, respect his wishes, not yours.

What’s a bad idea? I didn’t suggest bursting into his room.

Do you have any suggestions?

I’m not sure I understand your response.

Can you arrange to see him, telling your parents, "you know he's been having a tough time of it lately & you'd like to visit to support him".

Zero mention of death or dying or final goodbye.

5 months ago

Father says if I love him I will stay away.