My father is dying and doesn’t want to see me

[SanctusInDistress]

Terminal illness, very sad, however convinced he is about to get miracle treatment thats going to cure him. Says he can’t cope with visitors, not even me for 10 minutes. I live abroad and willing to travel.

I know he will not get better.

Do I turn up anyway? AIBU to be upset? If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better I get called all sorts. He really is dying.

Mother changes the subject when I ask, or blows a gasket calling me demanding and manipulative.

what would you do?

Im facing double whammy of facing not seeing father again, and zero comfort from my mother.

Going against the grain here, despite not having a close relationship the OP wants to see him, she wants to say "good bye", he on the other hand doesn't (for x, y and z reasons). it sounds a bit like it's all about her, but dad and mum don't want her around, end off. I would respect their wishes, I also think there's much more to this story, or It might be that this man is in severe cognitive decline due to old age and illness and making little sense. Personally I don't go were I'm not wanted.

Talk to him about this then, what his expectations are, what his hopes are, whether you can support him in this, create an opening and see if you can pop over to understand this treatment option better and have a face-to-face chat about it and do anything to help. Some people remain in denial until the end, you may not shift that denial, so gently roll with it.

I think there is more that you can do to feel at peace beyond seeing him. Can you say to him the things you’d like to say on the phone or write an email or letter? You can say, I’m glad you’re getting better and I’m looking forward to seeing you when you do because I love you so much and I’m so grateful for all the support you’ve given me” etc. or whatever it is you feel should be said.

Being with him in person might be what you really want but saying the things you want to say may also bring you (both) some peace.

Sending you love x

He's trying to spare you?
I would honour his wishes as hard as they are. If your mum is losing her rag with you too, you may just travel and feel a lot worse than you do already if you can't go in to see him.
Am sorry, this is just rotten and tough going. x

I was in a similar situation 4 years ago. I listened to them and went much later when he was in a coma in a hospital.

i don’t regret it - I don’t want to remember him in a bed in nappies not able to talk or be himself.

i remember him as he was - full of life and that works for all.

I get why your dad is behaving this way. When I was very ill with cancer , I didn’t want to see anyone. You feel like you have to protect other people and it’s as much as you can do to hold it together for yourself without having to put on a brave face for visitors.

He is right. If you love him, you will respect his wishes.

Tell him you love him and whatever he wants is fine with you. Make your peace with him and stop saying things he doesn’t want to hear.

Can you phone him? Is he able to speak?

OK if he's saying 'if you love me dont come' then dont go.
I know its very hard because you do love him.

instead call on the phone or if they have video call on that. Tell him and yiyr mum you miss them. Tell tgem you love them. Do it his way no matter how that upsets you. If he's terminal you can do nothing in any case.

My dad was the same. He died in August after living with stage 4 colon cancer for 4 years. I respected his wishes and, if I’m being honest I didn’t want to see him like that or have that as my last image of him in my head (even though I felt I ought to go). I have no regrets.

he didn’t want me to see him as he was and he was just so tired that anything extra like a visitor was just too much for him to cope with.

If I try to explain why I think he's not going to get better I get called all sorts.

Well you should stop doing that for a start. He's dying. Tell him whatever he wants. If he wants to think positive then talk positive. If he asks you to be honest then be honest but now is not the time for giving unasked for negative opinions. They won't want to to visit if you're a harbinger of doom.

how Imminent is the end of life?
could you travel and be close by? And see how it goes.
I think you'd regret it if you didn't try. I'm sorry you're going through this.

OP, it may simply be that he's trying to spare you. He may well know he's dying and be embarrassed for you to see it - as a teen I went to see my grandfather a week before he died of stomach cancer and it was very shocking. Yes, you're equipped to deal with it, as an adult, but he may not want you to see it. Equally the stories of miracle cures may be denial, or it may be an attempt to spare the people around him from the truth. Just some thoughts.

I'm so sorry, @SanctusInDistress , it's such a terrible situation for you. I was in a similar situation quite a long time ago now. In my case, my father came to realise he was dying and let us back in, but there was a point about 2 months before his death when he 'wasn't up to visitors'. I hope your father moves beyond that point soon. (The denial was a thing too. Talking about getting better enough to travel.) And I disagree it isn't about you. It is partly about you; you are his daughter! Take care of yourself. I hope you see him.

I knew a woman whose whole existence was for her children (albeit they were younger, 12 and under), and she would not let them see her because she didn't want their memories of her to be how she looked then. I don't doubt for a second she wanted to see her children, but she put what she thought was best for them first.

My late husband was diagnosed terminal. Basically told he would be dead in 18 months turned out to be a few months. He was not coping obviously, there was a reluctance to go to hospital appts etc. I mean what’s the point if you’re going to die hey? So I told him yes the doctors say you’re going to die but we don’t know that 100% for sure, so let’s not dwell and fight. We both knew he was still going to die but in that situation you hold onto any tiny bit of hope realistic or not and that is how you get through it. You have no right to tell him
anything.

This!
FFS OP your father's death isn't about you!
If he wants to manage it by remaining in denial that's up to him. If he can't cope with visitors that's up to him.

Why are you so determined that his last days be spent in misery and wallowing rather than hope and daydreams? Don't you love him and want what's best for him? Your mother is right, you are manipulative and demanding. You want to see your dad for your sake, not for his sake (he doesn't feel he wants or needs to see you) and you're trying to make it happen - by browbeating a dying man and deliberately causing him unhappiness. Just stop FGS.

I'm not surprised your mother's blowing a gasket, she doesn't need this either. Her husband is dying. You're not a child any more OP and everything doesn't centre around you. You should be supporting your mother and being her rock to lean on, not causing her unnecessary upset by haranguing your father.

Clearly you live near to all your loved ones. I’ve gone years between seeing my parents for various reasons (cost, child health issues, covid) and love them very much and they me. Videocall nearly every week. Seems a big leap to tell the soon-to-be-bereaved OP that she’s ’not exactly close’ to her dying dad based oboy on her travel history. The world is big and there are lots of different ways to have a ‘close’ relationship with your family.

Condolences OP, it’s such a hard time when you know it is terminal and I can’t imagine wanting to be with a parent and then saying no. I do know in some cases people simply want to be remembered as they were and not to have to see the pain on the faces of the people they love. I wish you and your family peace in the days to come

You need to respect this.

He is lucid and has mental capacity to make decisions, and has clearly expressed his wish that, for whatever his reasons, he does not want to see you. I completely understand you wanting to see him to effectively say goodbye, and i sympathise so much, but his wishes as the patient, trump yours.

You know, he may actually be taking this stance out of love as a way to try to spare you.

My mum died of brain cancer when i was 20. She went from looking and acting like herself, to dead, in less than 3 months. The decline was quick and terrifying, seeing her deteriorate physically, was so painful. She went to hospital 10 days before her passing after a seizure and was kept in for blood transfusions, then moved to hospice for her final few days. I didn't get to see her between her leaving home in an ambulance from the seizure until the morning she died, and she didn't look like my mum. In that 10 days she had major cognitive decline that has destroyed my dad to have witnessed, and 16 years on i can't think of what i saw that day and the way my mum was without bursting in to tears. She couldn't speak, couldn't open her eyes or lift her arms or her head, and was writhing in pain moaning, and i have no idea if she even knew i was there.

I hate that being my last memory of her, for years it was the only way i could think of and picture her, and it is the reason i 100% support human euthanasia and assisted dying being made legal. Nobody should have to suffer and die like that, or witness their loved one suffer and die like that.

Maybe your dad wants your final memories of him to be healthy and happy, and not of how he is in his final days. Maybe he wants his final memories of you to not be seeing you, seeing him, the way he is in his final weeks/days.

I am so, so unbelievably sorry for what you are all going through, but you really do need to respect his decision, unless HE changes his mind and asks to see you. Forcing your way in will only cause everybody distress as he won't react well to it, and you'll be hurt by his reaction and never forget it.

Some people don't like people they care about to see them deteriorating. They want you to remember them as they were in third prime. Perhaps your dad is too proud to see.
Just keep asking when you can visit but don't keep harming on amount imminent death

I would go. I wouldn’t try to convince him he’s dying but I’d try not leave things unsaid. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t. What a sad time for you.

@SanctusInDistress
I'd quit whilst ahead although it won't seem that way to you at the moment
You'll not gain anything from seeing him as he doesn't want to see you and I can guarantee that if he died within 24 hours after you'd visited you'd be accused of causing his demise (happened to a friend of mine)
So just cut your losses no disrespect but your parents don't seem to be "nice" people anyways
Whilst wallowing in complete denial
So let them both quire in their misery
Until the inevitable happens
They know where you are

Yes. They have the right to handle it their way. Hard as it is for you, I think you need to honour what they want rather than what you think should happen.

All those advocating that the op just turn up anyway, saying she’s the one who’ll have to live with the regret if she doesn’t… have you considered that her turning up against his clearly expressed wishes may cause him to be angry, upset and distressed, it may be an unpleasant meeting and the op will then have that regret and memory to live with? There is honour and integrity in respecting someone’s last wishes, even though they may seem unreasonable and capricious to others.

This is a complete no no.
Under no circumstances would any Dr be available to speak to the op nor would they.