My father is dying and doesn’t want to see me

[SanctusInDistress]

Terminal illness, very sad, however convinced he is about to get miracle treatment thats going to cure him. Says he can’t cope with visitors, not even me for 10 minutes. I live abroad and willing to travel.

I know he will not get better.

Do I turn up anyway? AIBU to be upset? If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better I get called all sorts. He really is dying.

Mother changes the subject when I ask, or blows a gasket calling me demanding and manipulative.

what would you do?

Im facing double whammy of facing not seeing father again, and zero comfort from my mother.

Maybe stop telling him he’s dying and won’t get better.

Me too.

I would want to see my children.
He doesn’t.
Although you haven’t clarified whether or not he is accepting visits from your siblings or not

if your relationship is that strong and he had told you NOT to come, would you still go?

Don’t tell him he won’t get better. Right until the end with my DH, I agreed with him that he was improving. People know when they’re dying, but need to keep that hope that a miracle will happen.

Really feel for you OP as a parent I couldn’t imagine denying my child seeing me ever let alone in my last few weeks. If they wanted to constantly be with me which is what I’d of wanted to do with my mum, I would allow it, when you have a child no matter how old they get they come above you. How can your parents not see how hurtful they are being. This will affect you for the rest of your life how this is dealt with. Do you have siblings?

It sounds like you have a difficult and complex family relationship. Which makes everything much harder.

Do you have any other genuine reason to return to the country, so you could come here with another goal. And then perhaps ask again if you can visit?

Sorry you are going through this x

Absolutely this OP.

I think people are getting the wrong end of the stick thinking this is about "bad blood" or a breakdown in your relationship that needs healing or similar.

If anything, it can be the opposite. Sometimes people want to preserve the precious memories and image of themselves in your mind in happier, stronger times.

That isn't lack of love; it's just a different kind of caring.

People say first impressions count. Well, last impressions count too, and some people don't want to be remembered when their health has diminished. I think this can be more common when, as in your situation op, you have been away and have not seen the decline. For those geographically close to him it comes incrementally; he may well be trying to save you from a shock.

Viewed this way, it becomes about his dignity and his wishes for his memory.

I know quite a few people who say they wished they hadn't seen loved ones right at the end. I don't imagine I would feel that way, but we can never know what a path looks like until we have walked down it, and this isn't an unusual response. Perhaps your father saw someone he loved right at the end and preferred the earlier memories.

For me the guiding principle would always be to respect the wishes of the person themself. Your mum seems to be reinforcing that this is what he wants, there does not seem to be much ambiguity around that, and I think people saying he may not be lucid, knows not what he is saying etc are most likely a bit off the mark with this.

By all means travel to be nearby in case he changes his mind, and there have been some lovely suggestions of ways to write or leave a voice message. But personally I would not be forcing him to see you if, for whatever reason, that isn't his wish. It won't be rejection of you; it's more complicated than that.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

This was a very compassionate and wise post.

Thank you

Yes op. This is a time for sensitivity not brutal honesty.

If he doesn't want you to keep saying, you really shouldn't keep saying it.

During his last lucid week my dad would sit and tell me his plans for the garden the following Spring and I played along with it. He knew he was dying, I knew he was dying, but there was nothing to be gained by talking about what was coming. OP, your dad doesn't want to hear that he's not getting better, chances are he already knows that, my bet is he just wants to be able to chat normally to you without you looking at him with sadness. Let him talk about anything and everything he wants to and don't bring up the fact he is dying it really won't help you or him.

This. All of this.

I think, in this situation, the dying person gets to decide what they want. Not every sick person wants visitors.

Do you think it's possible your parents are the victim of some sort of health fraud? I'm confused about their conviction your dad is getting better despite his diagnosis, and they are keeping you away yet you say this is out of character. Are they trying to hide that he's paying some sort of alterative treatment out of desperation? There are a lot of expensive "cancer cures" being peddled out there by frausters preying on desperate, frightened people.

If you think there's a risk of that you'd need to get proof and report to police and social services. It wouldn't go down well though, you parents would see you as the baddy. Which is why these fraudsters are so evil, selling false hope and splitting up families.

Do you know if there is someone else in the familiy visiting? Could you contact them to at least assure yourself he is getting visited?

They don’t have money for alternative medicines.

they think that he us just going through a bad ‘phase’ of the cancer and that he just needs to get a bit stronger to be be back to normal.

What a horrible post to somebody whose father is dying. This place really is a cesspit sometimes.

They might be in denial OP, or they might be wanting to put a brave face on it.

Is anyone else visiting? Friends, neighbours, other family? Who are you in contact with who knows him or normally visits? Are they being kept away, too?

So sorry you’re going through this.

Your father may be trying to shield you by putting on a brave face.

You have to respect his wishes.

Why are you being so callous? Her father is saying she can come when he is cured- he's not going to be cured and this is what she is referring to. No need for nasty comments to someone who is losing a parent.

Unlike many others in this thread, I can see how the OP could have found herself in a position where she felt she had to say to her father that it sounds as if he doesn't have long to go. She is desperate to see him one last time. He is saying 'not now, wait till I'm better', backed up by her mother. She lives abroad. She probably has a job and domestic responsibilities. It's not as simple as saying 'Just drop everything and go'. She needs to make arrangements and her parents are saying they don't want her to come. That's why she's posted. She wants to know if there's any way of persuading her parents to accept the reality of their position. The consensus here is that there isn't and she has to accept what they've said. That's very tough on her but it's probably the most realistic option.

With recent family deaths this has been the norm. Either the inner circle shut everyone out, or the NOK of the deceased shuts everyone out inc children.

In a recent death the neighbours and friends was heavily involved and the child wasn't welcome until the day of the funeral. Its very painful and does make you question where you fit into that family dynamic afterwards. I think the only rule is you respect the people who are closer to the event than yourself.

However, how you recover the relationship afterwards can get difficult. You cant help but ruminant that If your mum doesn't need you now, when would she? This level of second guessing can kill off the relationship.

it sounds like you need to talk to your siblings? Are they being kept away too or could you visit with one of them?

Do you get on with your mother generally? Could she be gatekeeping your dad because he doesn’t want to be seen like he is?

I’m so sorry x

Thats ok, they don’t know the full
story.

Of course I dont say ‘you are dying’. What I’m trying to find out is where they think the ‘cure’ is going to come from, because if there’s no ‘cure’ then when am I going to be allowed to visit, if at all?

My siblings are hard work. Decades of triangulation between us from mother over who is flavour of the month means we don’t really speak much and Theres distrust and sibling jealousy in the mix.