My father is dying and doesn’t want to see me

[SanctusInDistress]

Terminal illness, very sad, however convinced he is about to get miracle treatment thats going to cure him. Says he can’t cope with visitors, not even me for 10 minutes. I live abroad and willing to travel.

I know he will not get better.

Do I turn up anyway? AIBU to be upset? If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better I get called all sorts. He really is dying.

Mother changes the subject when I ask, or blows a gasket calling me demanding and manipulative.

what would you do?

Im facing double whammy of facing not seeing father again, and zero comfort from my mother.

They’d blow a gasket

Respect him!!!!

Plus your mother has explicitly told you not to even think of it

and you can’t just talk to his doctors. Are you saying you have?

He maybe in denial he also may be the d the generation that doesn't want to be a bother

What do you want?

Well you wouldn’t be allowed to anyway. And too right they’d blow a gasket if a doctor broke confidentiality to talk with you about his health!

I thought it was fine, but this has thrown me. He says he wants tranquility but I’ve explained I’m there to help care and do anything thst needs doing it or just being with him.

If I was about to die, I don’t think I’d want to see a family member who tries to explain why I’m not going to get better either.

Why do you feel the need to voice this?

It’s a backwater rural village where everybody knows everybody’s shoe size, the doc may talk with me, but im
not going to.

The point is my father thinks he’s going to get better so I can go when he’s ‘cured’. He’s not going to be ‘cured’. I’ll be waiting forever.

No. He wouldn’t. Because if really like that - then he will know both your parents do NOT want you visiting

And he has declined your offer. You last saw him 5 months ago. Usually you visit.. once a year? Twice? You’re not exactly close

If you have a good relationship with him then I’d say you should go. He won’t send you away when you are actually there.

I want them to understand that I’m losing my father and that it’s not just about his illness and my mother losing her husband. There is his daughter (me) too, but clearly I don’t count.

Do you have siblings? Are they seeing other visitors?

Yes you go. They are likely not thinking clearly. I also live abroad. I would go. Stay at an Airbnb/hotel nearby.

No, but when he dies my mother will say I hastened his death by causing him grief by going. Dammed if I go, dammed if I don’t go.

So stay away OP amd honour his wishes. Think about him in happier times.

Yes. I don’t know what they will do. I never get told and find out after/during if they do visit.

How strange. Are you NC with them?

I would respect his wishes, hard as it would be.

Aboit three times. It’s expensive to travel.

I think you have to stay away. He probably knows he is dying and can’t face the family around bedside situation. So hard.

Maybe he looks really unwell and they don't want you or other people remembering him like this, can you talk to him or face time. My late mum didn't want anyone there at the end, she didn't think it was fair but my sibling and her children did visit, I didn't, neither of us were right or wrong.

Is there any chance he doesn’t want you to see him that ill?

Then he means it, and as agonising as it might be for you, you have to respect his wishes.

The last thing he needs is drama at his deathbed, with you turning up against his wishes, and your mum kicking off.

I'm so sorry. I know it's horrible for you, but the alternative could be much worse

It's not about you. You have to honour his wishes unfortunately. You know that diagram where the person with the crisis is in the middle of the circles, then spouse, then children, then extended family or friends etc... you can only seek support from the ring bigger than you, not smaller/closer to the centre.