My father is dying and doesn’t want to see me

[SanctusInDistress]

Terminal illness, very sad, however convinced he is about to get miracle treatment thats going to cure him. Says he can’t cope with visitors, not even me for 10 minutes. I live abroad and willing to travel.

I know he will not get better.

Do I turn up anyway? AIBU to be upset? If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better I get called all sorts. He really is dying.

Mother changes the subject when I ask, or blows a gasket calling me demanding and manipulative.

what would you do?

Im facing double whammy of facing not seeing father again, and zero comfort from my mother.

Thank you! You have a kind soul (and many more others on here but I can’t reply to all).

I’ve accepted I’m not going to change things so not going and will try hard to get used to the new normal.

This is it. I want to be a daughter and help but I’m being kept away. Also I imagine the village thinking ‘what kind of daughter is she thst doesnt visit her father’.

Ah, well that is the crux of the problem then. I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like your patents manipulation of who gets access or favoured is not a new thing then. You've done what you can, the offer is there. It's desperately sad and unfair for you, but that seems to be how your parents want it.

Do you think your mother has played a part in your dad telling you not to see him?

So you think someone in that awful state wants to hear you spouting off about why you think they're going to die? Put yourself in his shoes, for goodness sake, and when you've done that, put yourself in your mother's shoes.
I'm guessing you're not overly close to them or you would know how outrageously you are behaving.

Completely this.

Yes, I think that post did sum it up well OP.

As I said above, please don't think this is rejection, because I really don't think it is.

And your comfort should be in the fact you listened to his wishes.

You always have this thread if you wish to remind yourself why you did as you did.

Also I imagine the village thinking ‘what kind of daughter is she thst doesnt visit her father’.

Don't worry about that OP. The village will think all sorts of things you don't even predict they might think! Some might even think that poor daughter being kept away.

But we can't act for what the village "think" in life; we have to act by what we know to be the case. Otherwise we'd all go crazy - AND make the wrong decisions.

You have to completely block out the "village thinking". If asked state you was asked give him space and asked to see him when he was better which is the truth. For me, I dont think things will ever recover because your asked to stay away when they are struggling which extends beyound death and funeral. Then what? You rock up months later like nothings happened? Or ruminate about a hard time you know very little about? Or in my case 12 months pass and then it just feels impossible. Hopefully you will be welcome at the funeral and that will be healing as much as its going to be incredibly hard for you.

I think when its a parent there's a misplaced desire to protect you. However from what I observe it damages you, the relationship and your memories and how you view that dynamic. But I dont think that's your dad's intentions. As much as he cant control his needs, neither should you be expected to. You just keep them to yourself unfortunately and then talk to your friends and family who are not related to your dad. Im really sorry OP. If only there was a handbook on grief

OK, that makes it hard.
I think the idea of a PP that you send him a message / letter / card telling him how much you love him, and keeping all your fingers crossed for his treatments etc is the way to go.
You don't have to say goodbye to say goodbye.

It must be really hard for you - I hope some of the perspectives and experiences of people on this thread help you take it less personally.

So this sounds very difficult and broken.

You don’t even know if your siblings are seeing him or not. Do they live locally to him?

Everything you post indicates that your decision to now respect your fathers very clear and explicit request - is the right one.

Turning up for an unwanted visit in this family will be tantamount to an explosion I suspect

Ok so your mother is a controlling narcissist who has ruined your relationship with your siblings. Might have been better to put that in the first post.

I alter my advice from my previous post.

I still wouldn't go see him, even if the only reason he's saying that is because he's under her control, you have to remember that he chose to remain married to her despite being able to see what she was doing to their children, you and your siblings. It wasn't to protect you, he chose to remain after you'd all grown and left. He also could have protected you better by giving you a non-toxic home 50% of the time if they'd split. So he chose this situation - if he's under her control, it's where he wants to be.

Don't worry about whether he really means it when he says he doesn't want to see you or if he understands he won't get better. He's either saying it because he wants to or he's saying it because she wants him to. Either way, he chose this situation, this marriage, so it amounts to the same thing. Stop wasting your energy trying to work them out and just take whatever they say at face value. There are some plusses as others have said, you won't have horrific memories of his last days/weeks/months.

But I wouldn't support your mother at all. I'd go NC as soon as the funeral is over. Sounds like you're pretty much NC with your siblings too. It sucks to have no family, but being part of one that's causing you so much ongoing pain is completely pointless.

I doubt any of these people would be there for you if you needed them. So give over your energies to yourself and your recovery from grief, instead of giving them to other people. You'll be called selfish, but unless you run around doing your mother's bidding 100% of the time until the day she dies, you'll be slated as awful anyway, so it doesn't matter. (I'm sure she'll revel in the attention of being the grieving widow, having everyone rally round and will play the part to the fullness of her capacity. She won't cease her triangulation or be grateful for your help). Families like this are a hellhole, so cut yourself loose and live the rest of your life in whatever peace you can find.

Don't worry what "the village" think. Even if you live in a literal village where everyone knows everyone's business it'll still soon blow over. People aren't thinking about us as much as we think they are anyway, it's one of those guilt buttons narcissistic parents installed in us, to worry more about others perception of us than what is actually happening. You know you're not a bad daughter. It doesn't matter what others, who aren't in the loop as to your family dynamics, thinks.

Very good question. I would because I know my dad and that he wants no fuss but would be pleased that I’d actually come, but it depends on the characters and relationships of the people involved.

This is a lovely idea OP.

You can't worry about what everyone thinks of you in times of stress and grief, no one is perfect enough to please everyone at the best of times!

I would write a short card, sorry you are unwell - some fond memory in succinct sentence then something like "as ever, with the fondest love from Sanctus"

You tried, you didn't visit, you got one last I love you in.

When you're next there, you need to find the most gossipy person/people in the village and let them know how distressed you were that your father issued strict instructions that you were not to come. That you longed to disobey, but you were advised not to cause drama by turning up.

oh that's REALLY going to help.