My father is dying and doesn’t want to see me

[SanctusInDistress]

Terminal illness, very sad, however convinced he is about to get miracle treatment thats going to cure him. Says he can’t cope with visitors, not even me for 10 minutes. I live abroad and willing to travel.

I know he will not get better.

Do I turn up anyway? AIBU to be upset? If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better I get called all sorts. He really is dying.

Mother changes the subject when I ask, or blows a gasket calling me demanding and manipulative.

what would you do?

Im facing double whammy of facing not seeing father again, and zero comfort from my mother.

He probably wants deep down for you to remember him as he was 5 months ago, not now, I know it's hard but I'm sorry a dying mans wishes are paramount here not yours. I saw my mum after she died in the chapel of rest and my god I wish I hadn't , it looked nothing like my mum, remember him as he was

And your siblings?

You say they’ve said no visitors but you’re not sure if your siblings are allowed to visit and it’s just you?

Then just don't go, tell them you're here for them if they need anything. Once he has gone you don't want to be estranged from your mum and siblings.

Thst what he says, but I don’t understand. I’d want to see my children. I have children.

it feels odd to think I’ll probably never see him again.

Have you asked them?

You are not damned either way, unless you choose to do what you want instead of honouring a dying man's wishes. Difficult as it is for you, it isn't about you. And yes, your mum is higher priority than you right now. That isn't saying you don't matter, but she matters more.

IME this is not uncommon. There are various reasons I can think of: he feels awful and not up to visitors; he is unwell and feeling sick and wants to prioritise who he spends his good moments with ie wife; he really does believe he will get better; he doesn't want to inconvenience you; he doesn't want to see you; he doesn't want you to see him like this. Probably many other possibilities that I have not thought of. If it was me I would travel and try to get 5 mins to tell him you love him and say goodbye. If that's not possible at least you will know you tried and will be on hand to support your mum.

I'm not sure what you want from seeing him?
He knows he's dying, he's just clinging on to the hope there's a cure, but he knows.
Fyi currently going through the same with my DDad, but a longer prognosis.
It's his death. You have to respect how he wants that to happen, however irrational and hurtful it may be for you.
And you need to try to rationalise why you need to see him,.against his wishes at the end of his life. What do you think you will gain for yourself, or enrich your Dad or other family members by being there.
To be blunt, if it's just a need to see him one last time for yourself, is it worth upsetting your Dad and the rest of the family?

Can you Facetime your father - daily when your mum is visiting using her phone?
Can you ask your siblings to Facetime you whilst they are bedside and visiting?

If you judge things are going ok by Facetiming, can you then drop in conversation that “work are sending you on a job close by to them around x date and you would love to visit while you are in the area” - or similar, or “you are staying with a sibling, and would like to visit alongside them”?

I’m afraid in this instance, his wishes trump yours. Maybe he doesn’t want you to remember him being very ill, maybe he really can’t cope with visitors right now. You have time to tell him you love him (or whatever else you might want to say) or you write him a letter. I know it’s hard, but try not to take it personally, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but he’s trying to deal with his illness in his own way.

I don’t understand how you can’t be sure if he’s accepting visits from your siblings or not. Can you not… ask them?

Kindly, a terminal diagnosis and end of life is an intensely personal experience. Regardless of whether he is lucid or not, you need to respect his wishes. I didn't get chance to say goodbye to my Dad due to being overseas, but I facetimed him and said goodbye that way. No it wasn't the same, but he didn't want a fuss and it was important to let him have it his way.

There is no dignity in creating a scene or stress at this stage in someone's life. Speak to a therapist, work your grief out with them, and do what you can to support from a distance. Concentrate on being there for the funeral. And look after yourself.

This.

In your position I'd go.

I've been in a similar position - parents lived the other side of the world, father very ill but convinced he'd pull through, and didn't want me to go all the way out to see him. I told him I was going to visit regardless because I cared about him. He was actually very grateful for me being there, we had a good week together and I didn't mention him dying (although he did go through his will with me) and when I left I waved cheerfully - then drive around the corner and sobbed. I went back 4 weeks later when he died.

So from my experience, I'd risk their wrath and tell them I was going - but stop mentioning anything about him not getting better, just play along with their denial if it makes things easier.

Ok I think I’m getting some perspective, some very helpful answers, thanks all.

I guess it’s part of growing up. I’ll have to stay away and accept it.

Do you have any experience of living at a distance from your parents? My parents chose to retire to a Scottish island a long way from us. It took all day to get there. If I went to stay with them it had to be for several days to make the journey worthwhile. When I was working that meant I couldn't go that often. It didn't mean we weren't close. Once I retired and my parents became older and frailer I was able to go more frequently. I'm glad of that now they're both gone.

OP, this is a very difficult situation. I've got no experience to compare it with. Very best wishes to you and your family while you try to navigate through this very hard time.

People are not in their right minds at this stage of life. Having said that, why are you shoving reality down his throat? If believing he will get better is his coping strategy in these last few weeks then no wonder he doesn't want to see you. The truth won't make him live any longer or bring any happiness to his last days, why enforce it?

i would book the flight and show up unannounced, when you're there don't be negative in any single way! Tell him all the loving things you have ever felt for him and then leave there knowing you did your best. That way neither yourself or him will have any regrets when the inevitable does happen.

Maybe he just wants you to remember him as he was in better times? Perhaps he is actually horrified and embarrassed by how he is now but won't admit it publicly so it is coming out like this?

It's extremely hard and upsetting for you, and it is a shame your mother can't seem to see any of it from your perspective, but it is what it is I suppose. I don't at the moment see that you have any alternative but to let him have his wishes and see how it plays out.

I'd be staying nearby if I could as the end nears. Then if your mum decides she wants support there after all you'll be on hand and won't have to rush.

I'd suggest that you stop talking to him about how he isn't going to get better or how he's dying. He doesn't want his nose rubbed in that and clearly might still be coping by being in some level of denial - choosing to ignore it as a coping mechanism. He almost certainly knows though. He just won't admit to it right now.

When they are done, they are gone forever and you will have the rest of your life to regret not seeing g him. Just go and see him. Doesn’t matter what your mother thinks. You are his blood, she isn’t.

Id be very upset in your position. I would want to see my parent for the last time and not being able to do that would hurt. However, it's not your fault that you can't see him. It also isn't a rejection of you, it's quite clearly because he doesn't want to accept that he is dying (and you rushing to his bedside would confirm that he is) rather than because he doesn't want you at his bedside as he is dying if that makes sense.

So as hard as it is I would try to accept it. Look at it this way, often people die unexpectedly and without any warning so their children don't know that the last time they saw them was the last time and don't get the opportunity to see them one last time. You didn't know that the last time you saw him was the last time until now which must be a weird feeling because he is still alive but as I said before that's not your fault and doesn't reflect on your relationship with him/how good of a daughter you are.

The only thing I would consider is that if you have other people to see in his country and can justify a trip back for other reasons (and afford it in terms of time and money) I might in your shoes fly back anyway. Then if he does change his mind at the last minute you have a chance of getting back in time. But as harsh as it sounds I wouldn't go back just to sit by the phone in a BandB feeling rejected. That would be worse for your MH than not going.

Fgs

It does matter what his wife thinks
and it sure as heck matters what HE thinks

Some people get energy from visitors. Other people find it saps their reserves. He probably is in the 2nd category and he's exhausted with it all anyway.
It sounds like he is having difficulty processing this all himself. He can probably barely handle his own emotions, let alone yours too.
He wants to spare you from the sight and maintain his dignity. That comes from a place of love..
Write everything you want to say all in an email and ask your Mum to read it to him if he really doesn't want you to come.
Loving someone isn't about being there on their final days in all its messiness. It's about the experiences and life you shared together over years

When someone you love is dying, you do what they want, not what you want. The last loving act you can do to not make this about you.

Wrong, so very, very wrong. Her mum is his spouse, his life partner, soon to be widow. His wishes and hers most definitely do matter, far more than their children's at this point. Dismissing their decades long marriage as not being blood so it doesn't matter what she wants is actually one of the coldest, most abhorrent things I think I have ever read on this site.

Are you the scapegoat of the family? If so, then sod what they want and do what will be best for you in the long run. Will you regret not going more than going?

You don't have to understand, you just have to do as he asks.

Many very ill/terminal patients don't want loved ones or friends seeing them as they are now but want them to remember the person they were

Respect his final wishes.......