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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My father is dying and doesn’t want to see me

218 replies

SanctusInDistress · 20/10/2026 18:54

Terminal illness, very sad, however convinced he is about to get miracle treatment thats going to cure him. Says he can’t cope with visitors, not even me for 10 minutes. I live abroad and willing to travel.

I know he will not get better.

Do I turn up anyway? AIBU to be upset? If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better I get called all sorts. He really is dying.

Mother changes the subject when I ask, or blows a gasket calling me demanding and manipulative.

what would you do?

Im facing double whammy of facing not seeing father again, and zero comfort from my mother.

OP posts:
Araminta1004 · 20/10/2026 21:15

He doesn’t want you to remember and see this version of him, in your mind forever. He isn’t ready to say a final goodbye yet either… he may know he is dying but is pretending to you that he isn’t. Death can be a very long and intimate journey. If he doesn’t want you there, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. The opposite may be the case. And also plenty of parents, however old and vulnerable, still want to protect their DC.

LentilRC1 · 20/10/2026 21:17

There’s obviously more to this
The OP has siblings but has no idea whether or not they are being allowed to visit their father

Coconutter24 · 20/10/2026 21:21

SanctusInDistress · 20/10/2026 19:17

Father says if I love him I will stay away.

Have you thought it might not be he doesn’t want to see you but it could be he doesn’t want you to see him? He’s bed bound, got cancer on morphine… probably doesn’t look like the dad you saw 5 months ago

Calliopespa · 20/10/2026 21:23

EarringsandLipstick · 20/10/2026 21:09

Yes I did miss that. In which case we are in agreement, as I’d also said, travel first, play it by ear there. It’s about dialling down the drama, not escalating it.

In my experience of family bereavement, it’s rare to the point of nil, previously close family members not wanting to see each other when death is truly happening. That can be preceded by a difficult lead in, eg my dad getting annoyed and truculent at any suggestion he couldn’t just get up & go home.

Yes, I think there are two separate issues here: does OP travel to be near and does OP turn up to see him regardless of his stated wishes.

I have known people who didn't want the latter, and, I'm sorry to say it op, they didn't want it to the end. I also know someone who disrespected this when the lady was too weak to resist, and it was sad. I think the granddaughter, who had insisted, realised this and felt bad. It was nothing to do with ill feeling, just the desire to leave this world with something that she felt "had been" still intact.

Calliopespa · 20/10/2026 21:23

Coconutter24 · 20/10/2026 21:21

Have you thought it might not be he doesn’t want to see you but it could be he doesn’t want you to see him? He’s bed bound, got cancer on morphine… probably doesn’t look like the dad you saw 5 months ago

Yes.

Goatscheeseandbalsamic · 20/10/2026 21:24

Halloweener · 20/10/2026 20:48

My mother told me that my dad didn’t want to see me when he was dying in hospital but I went anyway and he was overjoyed to see me. Just go .

Yep, there are obviously some difficult family dynamics at play here but I think it is better to go and see him rather than wish you had when it is too late

Pessismistic · 20/10/2026 21:25

hi op it’s a horrible situation you are in could you do a video call first then see how he looks. Some parents don’t want their children to see them dying. Try a call first then say I know you will get better but I’m literally not busy right now it’s a good time for me to travel. If he is insisting that you don’t turn up you have no other option but to respect his wishes. Do you speak to siblings can you ask them how he is doing?

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 20/10/2026 21:28

SanctusInDistress · 20/10/2026 19:23

The point is my father thinks he’s going to get better so I can go when he’s ‘cured’. He’s not going to be ‘cured’. I’ll be waiting forever.

I very much doubt he does and he’s trying to both comfort you and prevent you from seeing him in this state.

Minasama · 20/10/2026 21:31

Personally I would get on the next plane and see my father before he goes (but I have a strong relationship with him.)
Otherwise you’ll spend the rest of your life feeling bad.

Applesonthelawn · 20/10/2026 21:33

People have the right to die however they want. Just like they have the right to live however they want, write wills however they want, etc. You may want him to do it differently but you are not the main character in this story.

Whilst my views on how my mother chose to die have been all over the place since she passed 32 years ago, I have never not respected her right to choose how she did it.

RingsLikeTinnitis · 20/10/2026 21:34

I'm going against the grain here, I think you should go. Even if you only see him for a few minutes I think it will be worth it for you to get some kind of closure. I can't imagine how painful it will be for you if you just never get to see him again. I also think you will resent your mum for not allowing you to see him. Just go

Hedgehogforshort · 20/10/2026 21:45

@SanctusInDistress I believe he will call you to him when he is willing to accept his fate.

This is for you, i read it at my dads funeral.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
From The Poems of Dylan Thomas,

4noisykids · 20/10/2026 21:52

When my own dad was very ill with cancer, I think he found it a lot easier to see the family toddler, who had no idea what was going on, than to be around all the adults (who were desperately trying to hide their grief) with all of the heavy emotions involved in adult relationships when someone is dying.
I guess it puts a lot of pressure on the patient, who probably has very little energy or emotional stamina to face up to the situation.
I don’t really have any advice, but perhaps if you do get to visit, keep it loving but lighthearted- if you’re able to - it isn’t easy, I know.

Catpuss66 · 20/10/2026 22:00

I have been in this position dad was dying prostate cancer sister wouldn’t visit in the lead up to just me & my mom I had the hospice team coming out my mom was not coping with his pain I called my sister in front of my dad he said he didn’t want her there as she hadn’t visited for 2 years she was there at the end crying, me & my mom who had looked after him for 16 yrs just shocked at the hysterics. you are nearly the opposite you want to be there, I would go anyway you will always regret it if you did not. Even though he may not want it good to be able to look yourself in the mirror & say you tried.

Frazzledinmyforties · 20/10/2026 22:00

I would go. Everyone is saying respect his wishes but if he’s on morphine he may not be fully aware. And to be brutally honest, you’ll still be here and have to live with your decision. I would travel there and see him.
I watched my dad die of cancer and it was genuinely horrific but I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.
I know your situation is difficult, do what you need, it’s out of love and your family will hopefully see that.

Sending you all the strength @SanctusInDistress.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/10/2026 22:01

If you’re the sort of person who wants to tell someone who thinks he might get better, that no, he’s certainly going to die, then TBH I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to see you.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 20/10/2026 22:04

He’s dying and you have to respect how he wishes to do that. He doesn’t want to talk about it and accept it, even if it is the inevitable. He also doesn’t want you to see him so ill.
It must so incredibly painful for you to be in situation. Seek a cancer/ bereavement counsellor and release all that pain out in their office.
When you speak to your parents, play their game. Don’t give them the opportunity to blame you for anything.

Holidayexpectations · 20/10/2026 22:05

As someone who has just lost a parent from terminal cancer, I say go. You’ll never get over it if you don’t visit. It’s a horrific journey and I’m sorry for you going through it.

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 20/10/2026 22:05

@SanctusInDistress , what a sad situation for you. In your circumstances I would travel and try to see him. What else can you do that will allow you peace when he leaves this world? At least you will know you did all you could. I’m so sorry. X

Namechangewegovyjune26 · 20/10/2026 22:07

SanctusInDistress · 20/10/2026 19:27

Yes. I don’t know what they will do. I never get told and find out after/during if they do visit.

Why can’t you speak to them?

ThreeLocusts · 20/10/2026 22:09

OP I'm sorry, this is really hard. Your dad sounds a lot like mine, inasmuch as he, too, insisted he'd get better well after doctors had told him he was in the final stage (lung cancer).

In my case, it was his second wife who kept me away. It was painful. I was thousands of miles away when he died (horribly, from side effects of aggressive chemo) and only just made the funeral.

I'm still no fan of his widow, but I don't regret not insisting more to see him. You can't force people to do what (you think) is right for them or others, or even to see what is right, when they're flailing, casting about for a way to forestall approaching death.

I understand the impulse to introduce some realism. A friend who stopped aggressive treatment to be more comfortable had a much calmer death. But you can't talk someone into that attitude.

Try to be there in a way that works for him. Will he accept a video call? And I'd try (without probing too much) to understand why he can't face his mortality. What is it that he is so desperate to still do? Can you make any of it happen?

And try, in the longer run, to clear the air but be forgiving with your mother. She has to support the denial full time, it's a lot.

Ohhelpwhatnow · 20/10/2026 22:14

A relative of mine insisted he didn't want to see family while he was in his last weeks. He said he wanted them to remember him as he was. They found it hard.
In your position I would record a message and ask someone to play it to him. Nothing heavy, eg Hi Dad, I know you're not up to visitors but wanted to send you lots of love and say we're all thinking of you and remembering happy times like (whatever) . Hope you are feeling OK and that we will be able to meet soon. Much love and take care .Bye.'
It can be your good bye message.

Calliopespa · 20/10/2026 22:15

Ohhelpwhatnow · 20/10/2026 22:14

A relative of mine insisted he didn't want to see family while he was in his last weeks. He said he wanted them to remember him as he was. They found it hard.
In your position I would record a message and ask someone to play it to him. Nothing heavy, eg Hi Dad, I know you're not up to visitors but wanted to send you lots of love and say we're all thinking of you and remembering happy times like (whatever) . Hope you are feeling OK and that we will be able to meet soon. Much love and take care .Bye.'
It can be your good bye message.

This is a lovely idea.

You don't need to actually say goodbye.

JoyousWriter · 20/10/2026 22:16

I cannot understand why you wouldn't follow the wishes of another adult.

Periperi2025 · 20/10/2026 22:17

StormGazing · 20/10/2026 18:58

I’d be speaking to the doctors and check if he’s lucid. Then discuss it with them as to your dilemma. Personally I’d be there on hand to visit at the drop of a hat. No matter what, even if there’s bad blood between you, I’m sure a father would want to see his child before he dies

Terrible advice, she can't just speak to the doctor, her father has a right to confidentiality, and has made his wishes clear.

And

No not every parent wants there kids to see them dying, it's more common than you think.

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