My father is dying and doesn’t want to see me

[SanctusInDistress]

Terminal illness, very sad, however convinced he is about to get miracle treatment thats going to cure him. Says he can’t cope with visitors, not even me for 10 minutes. I live abroad and willing to travel.

I know he will not get better.

Do I turn up anyway? AIBU to be upset? If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better I get called all sorts. He really is dying.

Mother changes the subject when I ask, or blows a gasket calling me demanding and manipulative.

what would you do?

Im facing double whammy of facing not seeing father again, and zero comfort from my mother.

Having lost a parent myself I’d have to go and see him.

Go if you need to you, for you, even if for just ten minutes. You are the one who has to live on when he has gone.

but couldn't it be a bigger regret if the last time you see someone is an argument about ignoring their wishes? The ideal would be OP turns up and everyone is pleased to see her but there's no guarantee and I think it's important to consider how each possible outcome would feel.

OP to my simple way of thinking you have 2 choices- stay home or try to visit. When he dies which would give you comfort, or which would you regret least? to you.

My mother told me that my dad didn’t want to see me when he was dying in hospital but I went anyway and he was overjoyed to see me. Just go .

It’s a tricky one Op.

Not the same situation, as this was a friend but my friend had stage 4 cancer. Didn’t tell me she was unwell at all and I only heard from a mutual friend who was one of a handful she told. Most of her family and her kid didn’t even know at that point.

I tried to call her and texted her, to give her the opportunity to share it with me. But she didn’t answer and told our mutual friend she would talk to me (and others) in her own time and/ or when she was better.

She didn’t know I knew, but just avoided me from then until the next month when she was admitted to hospital. She died around 5 months after that in hospital.

I never got to speak to her or see her again.

The whole thing was so sad 😣 but I put my feelings to the side and honoured her wishes because I can’t imagine the distress and discomfort and pain she was in. I certainly did not want to add to that.

It is different when it’s your dad though so I can appreciate how conflicted you are.

My dad was like this when he was dying - I don’t think he ever really believed it was happening to him. He did want to see us right at the end - be ready to travel at short notice.

Just to give a bit of a nurses perspective - I work with terminally ill people and their families frequently and the most common reason for patients not wanting their families to visit is because they don’t want them to see them like that. If he is also convinced he is going to live he will think he has time. It’s a very hard situation and ideally a medical professional should speak to him about his prognosis and wishes, although he may have also refused that discussion. Only you know your relationship with your dad, if it were me I would go as I would regret it for the rest of my life and I know that once I was there my dad would be grateful but that’s not how all families are.

You do count OP, imo. Parents have a responsibility. It goes both ways. To the end.

But this is tricky. If you just turn up, to try to see him, you might get turned away and that could be very hurtful and make things worse.

Have you thought about connecting via facetime or equivalent? I know it's not the same, but potentially a bridge towards an in-person visit.

@SanctusInDistress I’m so so sorry. This is so hard. It sounds like both your parents are in great distress, understandably.

Firstly, talk to your siblings.

Secondly, arrange to come home. You don’t have to force your way in but I’d be here, then talk to your parents.

Thirdly, no talk of him not getting better - you are home on a visit, just want to see him, kind of thing.

I really feel it’s likely he doesn’t want you going to all this effort to see him, when in his mind, he’s getting better. He’s doing it for you! In his mind!

For yourself, of course you need to see him if at all possible. Arrange to come home first, take it from there.
And regarding talking to doctors, of course they will! My father’s team spoke frequently with us. They are well able to navigate the line between telling relatives relevant information and making sure they aren’t disrespecting any patient rights.

Take care 💐

This OP.

The message couldn't be clearer and pushing is all about your own wants now. At this moment his need to trump yours.

ETA I think it is fine to travel, in case that changes his mind, but I really don't think you can force him to see you once you get there. There can be all sorts of reasons people feel this.

And I rather think that's your answer. He doesn't want your last meeting with him to be seeing him like this. He would rather you remembered him as he was when you last said goodbye. Please respect his wishes, stay away, and reflect on all the good times you had when you were younger and he was fit and healthy. That's what he wants you to do.

And please don't keep telling him that he is dying. Again, he is dealing with this in his own way. He may know he's dying. But his belief that he will get better is to protect his own mind, and possibly yours. He wants to have that hope, and he wants you to have it too.

He's being your dad and looking after you, as he has always done. He loves you. If you love him, however hard you find it, let him do it his way.

Don’t be silly.

This is a frail, distressed elderly man. He thinks he will get better and so doesn’t want to cause difficulty for his daughter.

They haven’t fallen out so it’s not that.

It’s not about OP making it about herself - her dad is dying, of course she wants to be there, for both her sake and his.

That’s quite self centred. Your Dad is saying that he wants a peaceful environment and I’m not quite sure what you want from visiting him.
I think you need to follow his lead and not force information on him.
Is there anything you can send him that he would appreciate.

All of this OP.

By all means travel to give yourself the opportunity (as I know you would be devastated if he suddenly changed his mind) but dying is ultimately a very personal journey and we owe it to individuals to respect that.

He doesn’t want your memories to be of who he is now. I’d be calling regularly. If he likes books I’d call and read to him. Make sure he knows you’d love to hug him/see him/miss him and will drop everything to be there as and when he feels he can.

My dad has stage 4 cancer and is distant. Mum is messaging me but after initially asking for a call the day of diagnosis last week, she then couldn’t call (insert lame reason) and is busy until this Friday. I think that’s them saying they need space to process. Dad doesn’t feel that unwell right now but we know he’ll deteriorate quickly. He’s booked to have a cataract operation in January and talking like it’s going ahead. Reality is it’s unlikely he’ll be here and if he is, unlikely he’ll be well enough. I’m not telling him that.

Is your dad’s cancer terminal or is it end of life. My dad has been terminal for 2 years. The third cancer diagnosis is going to escalate things though.

I agree with others that perhaps he simply doesn't want you to see him so ill. Tbh, I prefer to think of my Mum before her final weeks, which were awful. I'd definitely speak to your siblings and find out what they know.

It's a very difficult time, @SanctusInDistress, but you can be there for your Mum when she needs you (and she will).

Yes, I think you missed my ETA that I think it is a good idea for her to travel to allow for the possibility. But I have known of lots of people who don't want people to see them that way at the end. It is nothing to do with falling out. I do think that needs to be respected.

ETA and if it IS just not wanting to cause her the trouble of travel, he will change his mind when she gets there. But you cannot force it.

Is religion strong in the family? Is there some weird cultural reason you are not supposed to see an unwell male?

I agree with all of this.

I also know people who have regretted seeing loved ones for a short, last, deteriorated visit, and it really is his choice how he wants to be remembered.

But I agree about being there for your mum OP, and he may well change his mind if he knows OP is nearby.

Mum was similar, not that she believed a miracle was coming, more that she wanted to pass on her own terms. She didn't want me seeing her as she was at the end. Just stupidly proud.

You have my sympathies OP, it's a horrible feeling.

OP I imagine your dad knows he is dying .. this is his coping mechanism. I imagine he doesn’t want you to see him ill, he doesn’t want to be a burden, he wants you to remember him as he was. If it were me, I’d go anyway. But I wouldn’t be talking of him dying, I would play along with his and your mums ways. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 💐

Which could mean he just doesn't want you to see him in his current condition perfectly understandable.

Maybe he had a traumatic experience he is trying to save you from. You have been asked not to go honour that

Yes I did miss that. In which case we are in agreement, as I’d also said, travel first, play it by ear there. It’s about dialling down the drama, not escalating it.

In my experience of family bereavement, it’s rare to the point of nil, previously close family members not wanting to see each other when death is truly happening. That can be preceded by a difficult lead in, eg my dad getting annoyed and truculent at any suggestion he couldn’t just get up & go home.

Do I turn up anyway?

As hard as it is, if he really doesn't want to see you no, his wishes should be respected as the one who is dying.

AIBU to be upset?

Yanbu at all to be upset. I think this would be hurtful to most people.

If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better I get called all sorts.

My guess is they are clinging onto hope, which is understandable so let them have it. You telling them he's dying will not help a thing. However being called all sorts is never acceptable.

What would you do?

I'd go to your home country and either stay with family/friends or stay in a hotel or something and just let them know you are in the country, that you would really love to see him but that you will respect his wishes and you just want to be nearby if he does change his mind.