My father is dying and doesn’t want to see me

[SanctusInDistress]

Terminal illness, very sad, however convinced he is about to get miracle treatment thats going to cure him. Says he can’t cope with visitors, not even me for 10 minutes. I live abroad and willing to travel.

I know he will not get better.

Do I turn up anyway? AIBU to be upset? If I try to explain why I think hes not going to get better I get called all sorts. He really is dying.

Mother changes the subject when I ask, or blows a gasket calling me demanding and manipulative.

what would you do?

Im facing double whammy of facing not seeing father again, and zero comfort from my mother.

I don't know what's prompted you to say this but you can't generalise like this. I'm sure there are some families where the blood tie between parent and child is closer than the bond between two partners who've been together for decades, but we have no reason whatsoever to think that's what's happening here.

Your parents are in denial over your Dad's illness. You realise that your Dad is terminal, and isn't going to get better, but they can't or don't want to face that possibility.

You need to stop trying to make your parents face reality. You can't force them to accept it. By all means ask how your Dad is but keep the rest of your conversations away from his illness.

It may be that your Dad doesn't want you visiting because he can't cope with you reiterating the fact he's terminal and won't get better. He may be perfectly aware deep down that he isn't going to get better, and therefore wants you to remember him as he once was, rather than how he becomes.

I think if you just rock up to your parents house uninvited and unannounced, I think they will be upset and you'll likely be turned away.

Please please reach out to your siblings OP, see where they are at with things and at least create an opportunity for siblings support if your mum and dad continue to block your visits.

YANBU……
But you MUST respect his wishes - there could be numerous reasons he won’t see you and none of them mean he doesn’t love you.

• He may not want you to see him so ill and wants you to remember him in better health.
• He may not be accepting his diagnosis
• He may be physically and mentally very weak and feel he can’t cope with anything that takes his energy.

Stay strong OP - you will all be highly emotional at the moment.

I really feel for you OP. My Dad died during Covid and I was only able to see him once as he was in a hospice and visiting was very restricted. I hadn't seen him for five months and he was so unlike the Dad I remembered. It was awful seeing him like that. He also had cancer. My sister lived locally and was able to go and see him more often and she said it was heartbreaking to see his decline.

Maybe your Dad doesn't want you to see him like that and your Mum could be in denial.

It does seem very hard but maybe you need to respect his wishes. He may not really believe in a cure but it may be his way of coping with things. My DP was very similar and talked about treatment but I think deep down he was scared and that was his way of dealing with it.

Your Mum will need you afterwards.

This is what I think but I get the feeling the Op and her siblings aren’t in contact

Who are 'they'?

He doesn’t want to see you so you don’t have much choice really.

Also, if he wants to think he is going to be ok and doesn’t want to deal with his own upcoming death then why are you forcing it. Whether he dies thinking he is going to get better or dies knowing it is coming, what changes? His outlook may actually better for him in the time he has left, because he isn’t looking at it so negatively.

Either way it is up to him whether he sees you, and you need to try to be more understanding of his position.

Can you not present it as having to be in the Uk for work or some other reason, so just popping in to see him while he is recuperating in hospital - ie DON’T present it as seeing him because he is dying, saying goodbye?

Or, perhaps speak to your mother - it may be that deep down he knows he is dying but his residual pride and self image does not want you to see him and remember him like he is now? The kindest thing may be to honour his wishes, but you need to speak to your mother and ask her a) what HE really wants and b) what SHE wants (ie even if you can’t visit him, perhaps she would benefit from you visiting to support her?)

Leave him his pride at least, even if deep down he knows he is not going to make it he does not want you seeing him in this condition.

He also doesn't need or want you telling him he is about to die.

Respect his wishes. It's not about you, it's about him.

If he does die, remember him as he was - fit healthy etc. rather than how he may be now.

Just huge unMumnetty hugs. Losing your parents is just so tough. There's no guidance out there and we all stumble through as best we can.

Prioritise 'your own well being and comfort'. Really? Over that of a dying man?

Kindly, it’s not about you. You need to respect his wishes. You cannot force yourself on him.

Im so sorry you feel so desperate about not being able to Visit your dying father, But,Wether he has hope for a miracle or accepts he's dying is his decision even if that difficult for those who care about him.
Do you know why is doesn't want to see you?
The bottom line is his wishes take precedence in this situation
When my husband was dying,he didnt want extended family yo visit,he just could cope/face them and he wanted them to remember him when he was well,he was a really private man. He did allow me and our children to visit but many other relatives were angry not to be able to Visit him and blamed me but he just didnt want to see them,it was nt that he didnt care about them or love them even.
Could you speak to your mum and let her know you would love to visit but accept if your DF doesnt want visitors right now?

That's unfair. I live in a different country. I visit about 4 times a year and always make time to go and see him.

My family member didn’t want anyone to visit when in the terminal phase of cancer. In her mind she wasn’t going to die so people visiting because she was ill was a direct contradiction of her beliefs. Even her children had no idea that she was dying. She banished her sisters and her dear friends and died in isolation. Her equally delusional husband had to be coaxed to her bedside to sing prayers so she could hear his voice as she departed.

I get how terrifying it can be to die and leave your family behind, but at the time it did seem very cruel and counter intuitive. In your shoes I would go and meet your mum for a coffee or pop round for a short visit. I think if you’re in the house he would allow you to visit. At any mention of death change the subject. Take some guided visualisation meditations to share on your phone, my relative loved those. A small plant that smells nice. Be calm and practical, they will both be frazzled.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea at all. At some point it will likely dawn on him that he isn’t going to get better and he will want to see OP. There may not be much time for that so she’s better staying somewhere easily and quickly accessible.

Where do you think the 'blood' came from? Family....blood, as you call it.....starts with sex. This is his wife, and you say she doesn't matter? FFS. Poor woman is losing her husband.

Having travelled half way around the world to see my father when he was dying, I'd do.it again. He was a complete arsehole though tbh and not sure why I'd even consider it ... suppose I am the better person.

As difficult as it is, I think you need to respect his wishes and stay away. The man has his pride and maybe doesn't want you to see him in a state of helplessness, and incontinent to boot. If he's in his final weeks, his appearance will likely have changed too from what it was 5 months ago. Let him have his peace.

Out of interest, how much support have you given your mother over the last 5 months? I nursed my DH through cancer until his death and it was gruelling. The last six months especially so. There were times I didn't think I could go on. If my DD had been absent and then wanted support for her feelings, it would have tipped me over the edge.

No doctor will be discussing confidential medical information with someone’s daughter phoning from abroad
She isn’t next of kin and she doesn’t have power of attorney over medical decisions

My beautiful mother went through this and was so upset when her mother arrived after being told no visitors, her mother lives an hour away and is not a visitor but obviously wanted to see her daughter so decided to just come.
my mum put on a brave face but was deeply upset she didn’t want to lose any more of her dignity , also to have to look someone in the eye knowing you are dying was deeply upsetting x

Ooch. I know you are losing your dad, and it's very sad. I lost mine 20+ years ago and I still miss him.

But if you are taking the same tone with your parents as came across to me in this post, then I can see why they are acting as they are.

Yes, your grief is genuine, but it doesn't trump his wishes. It's about what he wants and it would be good if you could support that.

Could you write a letter? Saying you understand he doesn’t want to be bothered with people around me that you love him. And some nice memories maybe?

If you really want to see him (and you are willing to stick to it) you could promise your mum that you won't talk about him dying and just want to be around to offer some practical support while he is poorly. Then abide by their decision whatever it is