Was I a dick mum?

[Lights22]

DD is planning her 9th birthday party. There are 8 spaces at the event, so her plus 7.

Up until classes were mixed in Sept, she was part of a group of 6. School and friendship is getting harder for her nowadays (ASD).

For her party, she's invited 2 of her original group of friends, 2 new girls from her table and 3 from out of school (plus her = 8).

The remaining 3 friends from the original group of 6 are now upset they've not been invited "we always invite you to all of our parties".

Did I do a dick move letting her choose who to invite? Bearing in mind the 9yo girl fall out from this.

No, you’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve always taught my children that they can’t be invited to everything. It’s a lesson they all need to learn at one stage or another.

No I don’t think so. It’s her birthday and she is inviting who she wants to come & it’s good that she is branching out and trying to make new friends.

No it’s fine. Her response is obviously ‘I know it’s not fair I wanted you to come but mum said no.’

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong by letting her choose, but managing friendships is hard with ASD (speaking from experience). She likely won’t get invited to those girls parties from now on.

At this age it's reasonable for you to let DD choose who to invite. But - would/will your DD be upset if one of the three uninvited girls had a party and didn't invite her?

No, it's up to those girls' parents to manage it. "It's ok to be sad, but we can't go to every party. Sometimes there isn't room for everyone we'd like to invite. How was school today (or other subject change)." If it was my DD not invited I'd explain it doesn't mean you're not friends, and we don't invite someone to our own parties in expectation of getting an invitation to theirs.

It's DD's birthday and she shouldn't feel obliged to invite only certain people when there is a limit on numbers.

If there is any negative fallout for your DD, well that's life and it can be dealt with (hopefully quickly), and the bullies would have found a way to be unkind even without the party issue.

Personally I would have gone with the three from the previous group in place of the out of school friends, and maybe done something separate with the out of school friends. Less drama that way. But that’s just me, you haven’t done anything ‘wrong’ as such.

Honestly it depends on how close these girls thought they were. If they’re just put out because they ‘expected’ to be invited then it’s not great but sometimes you’re invited and sometimes not. But if they thought of their friendship as closer than that and are genuinely hurt then yeah, I think you could have considered that.

Ultimately you’ve made your choice, there could be fallout that your DD gets invited to fewer parties herself as a result but really, that could have happened anyway. You can only wait and see.

This is a good opportunity for her to learn friendships go both ways and that getting your way may also come with consequences.

Yes, she can invite whoever she wants, in the understanding that she may damage some of the old friendships or will get excluded in the future.

i think the problem with small parties is that you have to be very discrete about them not to upset friends, which is not always easy when kids are excited about the whole thing…

I kind of see this a bit differently to be honest. I don’t think for a moment you were a dick but I do think that only inviting some from a particular group is awkward and is upsetting for those not invited.

Depends on whether the original group were a close gang of proper friends. By that stage DD had a secure gang and all the mums arranged parties based on when they were all available to attend but if it’s more ‘kids to play with at school’ I think it’s less of an issue. But yes- she may feel the others put a bit of distance between her and them if they’re hurt.

Of course you have. You divided the group. 100% of people might tell you that you haven’t but of course you have. And you know it

I don't think you did anything wrong, but did you discuss numbers with her before picking the activity? The only thing I might have done differently is picked something with more available slots to ensure more of her friends could go, seeing as friendships are hard for her and navigating hurt feelings and disappointment could prove extra challenging.
Definitely not a dick though!
It can be so hard to know what to do for the best with these things and hopefully it will all blow over swiftly.

I dont think so. My daughter was the only girl in a small year group not to be invited to a birthday party this summer. That was a dick move. For my daughters birthday, she has invited 2 which means 3 have not been included this time. Previously we have done whole class parties but as they get older (10) we decided less was more.

I have seen problems when groups are mixed with school and non school pals.

In one case the 2 groups argued and a massive fall out with kids crying at pick up.....

But if that was her choice of pals to invite them it will be navigated with the children and the mums....

I would have come up with the guest list first and organised budget/activity to suit. I think fostering your kids friendships is really important.

I think the thing here about the closeness of the friendship group is, since the classes were mixed, her other friends have branched out and made more friends, she feels left behind. She now, fortunately, does clubs at lunchtime, otherwise hangs out with the Head in the playground. It breaks my heart. She says they don't want to play with her anymore (I suspect this is as much RSD as fact).

She's never invited to any play dates and, when I (occasionally) offer invitations, they're never free.

One of the girls (who is invited this time) previously didn't invite her to a soft play party because there "weren't enough spaces". She accepted it.

Feels like I can't do right for doing wrong. I made her sleep on her invitation list for a week before sending. She didn't change her mind. She was adamant about the location. (I repeat, ASD). She insisted on physical invitations, I think this is more where I could have avoided shit and insisted on messaging their parents instead .

I think it's so hard. Last birthday I let DS invite everyone he wanted and then encouraged him to invite a few other kids so they didn't feel left out. Because there were so many we did it a local park, the kids ended up playing completely separately because there were way too many.
For this year I don't know what we will do, the school classes have had a shuffle and so he has new friends as well as the old ones, plus he's gotten a lot closer with his sports friends. He isn't as close to the old friends anymore but I know they will still invite him so that will surely be a drama if he doesn't invite them back.
So again there will probably be way too many kids.
Have you already had the party? Is it possible to ask your daughter how she feels about it, and if it's not too late then to change to another activity where she could include her old friends too? She can just tell them that you had originally said she could only invite 5 kids from school or whatever, but now you've found another place for the party because DD wanted to invite them too.
Otherwise it sounds like there will be backlash.

You should have had all the school kids for the party and done something separate with the 3 friends from out of school. YABU.

Ah ok I've just seen this. It's a similar situation with DS, the old friends sometimes exclude him but luckily he has found friends in his new class. I don't think he would be that bothered about inviting the old friends but I also don't know if he would understand the consequences. I would say that since the class reshuffle has just happened this year then you have to accept that the guest list is going to be a bit awkward this year. And maybe even explain to her that if you have the party at this place and just invite those seven kids and not these three girls then she probably won't be invited to their next birthday parties and she might feel sad about that (of course it's risky as she might not be invited anyway), but you can see how she feels about that and go from there...

I don’t think she’s quite old enough to be making those decisions and navigating the consequences.

Bless her. It’s such a tricky time for friendships as children grow in awareness of what they like, how they want to spend their time, who’s “cool” (sadly), who makes them laugh, common interests etc.

I would take the pressure off fully with the party- don’t mention the guest list or any consequences unless she does, get excited about it and have a lovely time outside of school- nice, fun, confidence building activities as a family or with family friends when you can.

Encourage kindness and empathy in her- talk about the things that make a “good friend” to help her build relationships and also develop awareness of what she wants/needs out of friendships. I know it comes much harder for some ND children and needs conscious effort/direction from others.

Maybe have a chat to her class teacher about her wellbeing at school and their perception of things.