Advice on navigating daughter’s social life.

[Anne632]

DD is age 6 so obviously can’t sort her own life out I have to arrange play dates. I’ve been a little depressed for past few years so play dates have not been my top priority. This year I wanted to start. Just for context before my post gets side tracked I’m okay and no one would know I’m depressed I’m very cheerful during school run and say hi to everyone and make the effort.

DD has made friends with a girl who we can call B. My DD has been hounding me for a playdate for weeks. I know B’s mum very well and have met her a few times just us for school coffee mornings etc. girls are in year 1 now so known each other a while. we get on very well. I messaged her last week and she was really up for it but suggested if we can include another mum of child who we can call L.

I agreed and thought it will be really nice, B’s mum set up a WhatsApp just us 3 with possible dates to decide I have responded to it but L’s mum has still not responded. I don’t want to sound impatient but as I said on there I’m free all week I feel I can’t make any other plans incase the day gets scheduled to when I am no longer available. Having a playdate means so much to my daughter and she wants it with B. I’ve suggested other children but she’s saying no.

I’m starting to feel upset about not even being able to organise a simple playdate for my child. Like why is this so hard? I messaged B’s mum yesterday to say as we haven’t heard back from L shall we go ahead and meet up on Monday and if L and her mum are free they can join us. She’s read it but not replied.

Any advice? Also why is it so hard to plan a play date?!!! How do others do it?

Ask another child over whilst the other 2 mums faff about ?

I am confused as to why you invited L?
Your daughter wants to have B over to play, she has been pestering you and she is 6. Call B's Mum and ask her if Wednesday is ok. If she says no then ask her which day works. At 6 they are well old enough to go to someone else's house to play. Keep the Mums out of it, have B over which is what your daughter wants. It really is that simple.

Leave the WhatsApp out if it.

@NoKnit the mum I invited SET UP THE WHATSAPP to include L. I only asked B’s mum and agreed she can invite L and mum along! I couldn’t really say no I only want you and B

Any advice on navigating play dates specifically how to arrange and mistakes to avoid? Sorry I’m new to all of this

For starters, I would avoid saying you are free all week. Give two options and let them pick one.

@Catza that’s a good point. But I was genuinely free all week when the playdate was suggested. I assumed we would decide a day sooner so I could have planned my week around that but now there’s so much to do over half term and neighbours have also invited us for play date plus DH is asking which day I’m around so he can take some time off work I’m starting to feel stressed. I’ve told DH just to take the days off he wants and we can do something and neighbours don’t mind they’ve just asked us to pop over whenever we are free

As others have said, don't leave dates too open, otherwise you end up not being able to book other stuff in. Or just put on the group something specific like 'on Thursday there is X free activity going on, we are going if you guys would like to join?'

At thos age they change their friends every 5 minutes, you can plan a playdate and by time it comes round they have fallen out and their 'bbf 4ever' is a different child

Start making the other plans and update on the group ‘hey half term is getting busier now - can you come over on Wed at 11 or Thursday at 2?”

then as soon as B’s mum replies say ‘great let’s do that - hope you can join too Amy just let us know’

Why do the mums have to come for a playdate for six year olds?

This is good advice.

Free all week gives the impression you are in no rush to plan anything in as you have plenty of time. People won't do the extra thinking needed to realise you can't plan anything else either because you're free all week and have plenty of time...

As FusionChefGeoff said, give two dates/times and see what comes back.

If you find you're still waiting for L's mum to reply, speak to B's mum and say youre keen to get something booked in so you want to arrange something with her and L is welcome to join you if they're free.

Downside of What's App.

Yes you can! "Oh, DD doesn't do well in 3s and she really wants time with B, can we plan something just the two of them?"

Blimey what a nightmare just forget it. All this about having a play date. Is it worth it?

Making dates to do things generally nowadays, not just with children but adults too, is so hard. I dont know when life got so complicated. I suppose ppl lead complicated lives now and it's much harder to find time. You have my sympathy. I know what you mean. Kids just used to play in the street yeaes ago. I guess it's too dangerous for that now.

Yes this sounds like the kind of nightmare I was in once. I would ignore the whatsapp group, message the one you like, say you'd like to get something set up , can she do x.y. or Z? Pretend the whatsapp group doesn't exist. Just slows everything down.

I messaged the initial mum today and she agreed we just meet as other one not responding! Like why even involve her in the first place when I only invited her initially. I’m getting really annoyed with these social expectations. I found it incredibly rude that she even suggested involving her when my invite was only to her but anyway maybe this is how things are done and I need to go with the flow.

I think if you said 'shall we organise a play date' she might have thought 'oh I had a similar conversation with another mum, let's kill two birds with one stone and set one up.'

If you want to avoid that in future, invite someone to specific plans. 'Were going to the park after school on Wednesday, would you like to join us' or 'would Bella like to come over and play on Sunday morning'. They're more of a yes / no.

I think “shall I pick up Olivia from school Thursday and she can stay for tea “ is the norm isn’t it? Or do you have to have a WhatsApp group , invite an extra child and 2 adults as well now?! Just pick her up from school and get her picked up / you drop her off later. She will bite your hand off. I’d have been horrified if I’d been expected to accompany my kid on a play date , thats not usual is it? , and even more horrified if I’d invited a kid round and the mum came as well!!

In reception the mums came with the children a couple times, but that was in first few weeks when they started on half days, and I suggested the mums and children came round ours to chat/play for a bit to get to know each other

But after the first term, I definitely wouod not expect any parents to come on play dates. I partly organise play dates so my DD's are 'entertained' and I can get on with some work. Having to host another parent defeats the object of this.

I agree that at 6 playdates are usually just kids, not mums. However, if the OP's DD hasn't had many playdates before and the OP and the first mum get on very well I don't think it's that unusual for the mum to come along. Anyway OP, there could be various reasons why she invited rude mum and her DD. You certainly haven't done anything wrong but I'd just forget about it. Glad it's sorted now.

Ah OP I feel you! If you’re feeling depressed or overwhelmed it is easy to feel really dejected when something that should be simple seems hard. Plus, you made a good start motivating yourself to organise a play date and so it’s upsetting to feel thwarted.

On the other hand, I think I’ve got about 3 WhatsApps from mums that I’m overdue answering. People are busy and it can just take a while to juggle schedules etc. The ‘rude’ mum may be trying to kill 2 birds with one stone if she knows the other kid wants a play date and is short on time. I’m sure she didn’t mean to be rude. I hope the play date goes well!

They are year one. You just ask a mum would X like to come for a play and tea after school? The mum doesn't need to come too.

When did this term ‘play date’ start? Was it invented by mumsnet? Whatever happened to ‘friends coming round to play’?
And don’t get me started on ‘graduating from nursery’ !

My DD's nearly 20 and playdates were definitely a thing when she was young, and weren't a new concept. Graduating from nursery is not really comparable (and is a bit silly imo)