My 3 year old is breaking me

[coconutbiccies]

And I don’t know what to do about it.

6 months ago she stopped sleeping in her own bed. We are up all hours of the night swapping beds.

Two, she hurts her 1 year old brother on purpose. 2 days ago she shut his fingers in her bedside drawer and she said it wasn’t an accident. I think this is the first time I’ve actually properly shouted, and I’m not too proud of it but I lost it with her. I told her she was a spiteful girl and to get out of my sight and into the living room whilst I sort her brother out. She also pushes him backwards so he smashes his head on the floor.

DH and I immediately jump on this but she thinks it’s a game, she laughs whilst one of us is telling her off, she runs away from us then bursts into sobs and tears as soon as DH or I make her sit down and listen to us. We try and keep calm voices, it sometimes escalates into her smacking or kicking or pushing us.

Today, I took her to softplay with MIL. She spent the whole time whinging. Shouting at other kids. It’s embarrassing.

She goes to preschool/forest school 3 days a week and has glowing reports from them.

80% of the time she’s a the most lovely girl, we can sit and play for ages doing puzzles/play doh/painting etc. she tells us all she loves us regularly. We are a loving household. DH and I don’t even argue, of course we bicker but never raised voices. We show both of them so much love, we read books, we go out every weekend even if it’s for a walk around a national trust park. We get quality time together.

She can also be very kind to her brother, if he hurts himself by accident she’s the first one to jump up and run to him, rub his head, reassure him he’s okay etc. it confuses me so much.

Then there is the food, she will only eat apples and bananas for fruit, no veg at all, she hates meat. I’m losing the will to live. She was weaned on home made nutritious food like her brother is, salmon once a week, homemade cottage pie, home made fruit salad, veggie sticks, bolognese sauce homemade with hidden veggies blended in but she won’t even try anything. She covers her mouth as if we are going to force feed her.

I’m exhausted by her and I feel awful because in those moments when we lay in her bed and read a bedtime story and she wraps her arms around me and we have a cuddle and tell each other we love each other, I could cry with happiness (years of infertility) but her behaviour currently is breaking me.

Can anyone offer any advice here? The dr has ordered a blood test because she’s now currently underweight. She only eats croissants for breakfast, slices of ham and cheese string for lunch, plain pasta for dinner and occasionally mash and sausages.

I feel like an utter failure right now.

I'm so sorry to hear all that @coconutbiccies, and I'm sorry you've had no responses yet. I can't advise, but I'm sending sympathy. I hope someone helpful comes along soon 🙏🏻

you are not a failure at all. It’s hard. The challenges seem relentless at times. They’re only 3. It will pass. I’ve 3 small boys. At age 3 we just got a double bed for my three year old and my husband slept in with them comfortably, while I slept with baby breastfeeding all night. That way 3 year old wasn’t wandering about at night and no bed swapping, and everyone had enough space in bed.
it wasn’t forever, they outgrew that need themselves. By 4/5 whoever cuddled them to sleep could ninja-roll away. At different points in their life they just need that security and it’s normal. soon they’ll be teenagers and they won’t want to be in their parents bed. Or anywhere near us !

Oh this sounds so tough, and you are getting it right, you're her safe people so you see all the hard stuff. New siblings are a big change for kids, youngest ones have it easiest in some ways as their position in the family stays the same. It's hard for every single one losing the position of littlest. She's in your bed because she needs comfort, it will pass when she's feeling more settled.

We had some challenges with food, is it a texture thing or flavour? We had some success with letting ours choose things about it, letting them choose what to buy in the supermarket then give them an array of spoons and say she can use whichever she likes. She can feed you or teddy or whoever with a hilarious giant wooden spoon etc, make it funny and she might crack. You and her dad feeding each other bits first maybe and having loads of fun then letting her join in. We definitely found giving choices and control helped, you just have to make sure you give them options that are all good outcomes. So not arguing that it's time to go home from the park, but do you want to race to the tree or hop along the path etc. are we having X or y as a treat when we get to the car, distraction and choice!

No real advice but we are having similar with our 3yo boy although without the sibling issues. The minute he is told no he is spitting, scratching, hitting. Big reactions made it worse so we are going with firmly saying "you don't X" or "i wont let you X me" then moving away and ignoring. Praise for when they stop but not expecting an apology. Lots of praise for being kind and loving etc. The sleep issue is common at this age, most i know are cosleeping for part of the night.

I recognised so much of myself and my son in this. I had never felt so desperate, so lost or so alone. I honestly think I have some sort of trauma from that period with my kids. The toddler years were absolutely horrendous and having a newborn baby on top of everything else just broke me.
Everything you’ve described is 100% how things were for us back then and my son turned out to be autistic. I’m not saying this is the case for you, but it was for us. We only got his diagnosis when he was 8 and I often wish I’d known earlier as it would have explained so much of what we were struggling with.
The good news is that my son is absolutely amazing now (he’s 13) and honestly the easiest kid in the world. He’s loving and thoughtful, spends lots of time with his younger brother and they get on really well. That’s something I couldn’t even have dreamed of back then as he seemed to hate the baby.
He’s incredibly clever and in mainstream school. Food issues are still there, but we’ve learned how to manage them.
My biggest advice is to be very, very patient, trust your instincts when it comes to boundaries and do what feels right for you and your family rather than what other people say ”should” be done. Co-sleeping with both kids genuinely saved us all.
And please remember that you are a good mum, and you are doing the best you can in a really difficult situation. These years can be absolutely relentless and it’s so hard when you’re in the thick of it and can’t see a way through. But these years will pass, things will change and your daughter will grow up knowing she is loved and cared for. Hold on to that, especially on the days when everything feels impossible. You don’t have to get everything right, you just have to keep showing up for her, and you’re already doing that.

Aw big hugs, three agers are so mean! Id agree with PP to drop the 'shoulds', do what meets everyones needs right now. If you can wangle it, I'd try as much 1:1 time with her as you can, doing something she enjoys. Sounds like sibling rivalry is biting and sometimes that helps! All of my older 3 kids have come through into our bed (or one of us in theirs), every night at that age. We just got a bigger bed and put them straight into a single with a bed guard so we could go into them if needed. If you're a reader, I always go back to 'how to talk so kids will listen ' (there's a little kids version) it's an oldy but a goodie. Lastly, sometimes 3 can seem like they're quite big, and aware of the consequences of their actions, especially when there's a younger one tottering around, but they are still very immature and figuring it all out and lowering expectations can help a little. Of course hold boundaries, but expect to have to keep holding them because she's going to be horrible to her brother, test your limits, make you pull your hair out. That's just what they do 😬😅

Aw big hugs, three agers are so mean! Id agree with PP to drop the 'shoulds', do what meets everyones needs right now. If you can wangle it, I'd try as much 1:1 time with her as you can, doing something she enjoys. Sounds like sibling rivalry is biting and sometimes that helps! All of my older 3 kids have come through into our bed (or one of us in theirs), every night at that age. We just got a bigger bed and put them straight into a single with a bed guard so we could go into them if needed. If you're a reader, I always go back to 'how to talk so kids will listen ' (there's a little kids version) it's an oldy but a goodie. Lastly, sometimes 3 can seem like they're quite big, and aware of the consequences of their actions, especially when there's a younger one tottering around, but they are still very immature and figuring it all out and lowering expectations can help a little. Of course hold boundaries, but expect to have to keep holding them because she's going to be horrible to her brother, test your limits, make you pull your hair out. That's just what they do 😬😅

Get the Ferber sleep training book.
Things will be easier when she's sleeping properly.

@coconutbiccies ages 3-4 were particularly difficult with my older dc, now 5, as well.
I survived by joining an online parenting support group and listening to parenting podcasts every night.
They will grow out of it and you just need to stay the course. Your child is not giving you a difficult time, they are having a difficult time. Your child is not bad or impaired in some way; your child is struggling with emotions they don't understand and lacking in impulse control as brain hasn't developed that yet.

I recommend, Calm Parenting/Kirk Martin &
Toddlers Made Easy/Dr Catherine

Solidarity. 🩷

Oh yes, the 3yo on hard mode. Sympathies. I've had three of these It sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things.

One thing that I rejected when DC were younger but with hindsight wish I had given a bit more of a go - the idea that giving attention to bad behaviour will feed it. I thought it was old school and wrong, but I actually think I just misunderstood the premise. It's not that they really love getting told off or are consciously seeking out "negative" attention from you or they don't know how to get attention another way (like you, I was giving DC plenty of positive attention in other ways) it's literally just that at this age, their brains are very much wired up that if something gets attention/verbal feedback from other people, particularly adults/people they look up to, it gets marked as "important/useful" ie "to do again". And so we can end up inadvertantly feeding things we don't necessarily want to see more of. In addition, I think it's easy especially when you also have a toddler, because a 3/4yo can often produce very complex sentences, to see them as being much more advanced than they actually are in terms of verbal reasoning, and therefore assume that a lot of what you say to them is being taken in, but actually their ability to take on new information verbally is still fairly limited. They are learning from what you say to them, of course, but it's much less specific and much more of a general picture made up of a huge amount of sources e.g. direct experience, physical action, observed second hand experience, repetition (esp from things like stories or rhymes or social rituals, like nursery will use a lot of.) Mostly what they learn from being spoken to is vocabulary and sentence structure, which means they can often tell you what the rule is - this does not mean that they have the impulse control or emotional regulation to follow it reliably.

So I think a common mistake, certainly one that I made when my DC were younger is to overestimate the importance of talking to them about why their behaviour is wrong, and underestimate the effect of giving attention to the unwanted behaviour.

For night time stuff, if you want her to stay in her own bed then the most effective thing is not to be very patient and kind and understanding, it's to take her back to bed with minimal attention and talking, and trust that she will be OK even if she protests at this, and generally they are. If you can't bring yourself to do this, or the protests are more than short-lived, then it might help to set up a bed on your own bedroom floor that she can come in and get into by herself, or encourage her to make her own way through to you in the night (e.g. by explaining and practicing before bed and then when she wakes at night, speak to her through a two way monitor or shout through the wall to remind her what to do.) IME when they know they can come in to you but the effort is on their side, they stop needing to quite as much in a fairly short time frame. Or it works as a halfway house until they stop needing it. But when they know you will come in to them, they tend to keep needing this because it's like they don't have any reason not to keep requesting it, if that makes sense? Most children will grow out of needing you at night on their own, but if it's causing you problems and leading to less patience etc in the day then it might be a good idea to look at expediting this a bit.

Then for behaviour, rather than trying to sit her down and talk to her about how it's not very nice etc, it's actually surprisingly effective to give a short time out - give an extremely short explanation (e.g. "You do not push DB.") sit her down somewhere and then ignore for maybe 1-2 mins. It sounds like she knows what expected behaviour is, because she can follow the rules at nursery and she is showing age-appropriate social behaviour relating to empathy, so she probably doesn't need a whole lecture about why it's unkind - she will get that understanding over time anyway or through role play games, stories, her own experiences and so on. Make the response to the unwanted behaviour prompt, short, and without involving much verbal input, and then just move on from it. This usually prevents it from escalating into them shouting back at you or even hitting/kicking etc. Some people like to insist on or request an apology, some people find that is insincere and prefer not to, or just to suggest/prompt (but not insist). It's up to you. If it's making it into a whole battle, it's probably counterproductive, and if you have a child who doesn't seem to understand the concept of time out and keeps getting up and it escalates, rather than them getting the idea after being put back once or twice, then you may need to look more into emotional regulation strategies instead, but it is clear and effective for most 3yos, and much faster than teaching emotional regulation as a first response.

But also, combine this with lots of praise, encouragement etc when she plays nicely with him, and if you can see a particular trigger for aggressive behaviour (e.g. you think it's when she's getting frustrated about him being in her space, or anxious about him spoiling her games etc) try giving her a way to handle that situation without resorting to hurting him e.g. ask a grown up for help, ask for space, whatever it is - and then make sure you really make the effort to back her up and support her in using this replacement strategy, because that will have a really beneficial effect IME.

Don't beat yourself up about having a non ideal response. It's totally human and we all do it. It can help to apologise for shouting or pushing (if you did) especially if those are rules that you want her to follow.

I expect the food stuff will be a phase. Try not to stress about it (I know, easier said than done) - does she eat better at nursery at all? 2 of my DC do/did, which was a relief.

I’m not against sleep training but I don’t think I’d do this at 3 in these circumstances.

OP we had something similar but not as extreme. Does she eat at nursery? If so you just need to bide your time - serve mainly things she likes with a side of ‘new’ foods.

regarding her brother - it’s normal to an extent. Try to spend lots of time alone with her and also facilitating shared play where possible.

regarding sleep - my daughter slept on her own bed till 3, but more recently has needed extra comfort. I’m letting her sleep with us when she wants, it won’t be forever, but maybe relaxing a bit will help her to relax and stay in bed, knowing she can come to you if she wants (or go in her bed).

Look into ARFID eating disorder could be an issue and behaviour because she’s hungry but won’t eat? I say this as an adult who has it. I’d go to bed hungry as wouldn’t eat dinner

Thank you everyone who took time to reply, it means a lot and makes me feel a lot less alone.

We are currently down to 3 meals that she will eat (plain pasta, jacket potato with beans and sometimes sausages and mash with gravy no veg) and it’s worrying the life out of me.

i always do her a little side portion of what we are eating for example, beef casserole tonight, DH and I had it along with 1 year old and I put some seperate in a bowl (small amount) next to her pasta ans asked if she’d like to try it, she covered her mouth and refused. I always put at least one veg on her plate alongside her “safe food” whether that’s carrots, 1 piece of broccoli, some peas but she won’t touch them. I’m at a loss with it.

Every time she does something kind to her brother like finds him a toy or comforts him, we make a big deal of it “that’s so kind! You’re the best big sister” kind of thing.

@PigletinI'm so sorry to hear you have to be through such a hard time, I often wonder if she could be autistic as it does run in my family and I have inattentive ADHD. So lovely to hear that your son is thriving now and is a great kid, I really worry she’s going to be the kid nobody wants to play with at school because she shouts and wants to play by herself although at preschool she is getting better at playing with the others and she has had a few birthday party invites so that can’t be a bad thing.

@BertieBottsthank you for your detailed reply, really helpful.

To answer a few of you, she does at least try what they serve at nursery. When she started in January, I purposely opted for the lunches there because I thought seeing her peers eat it/try it would encourage her to do the same but she doesn’t eat a whole lot.

@babasacloverI will look into ARFID, thank you x