Help me understand a potential mid life unraveling

[BoilsMyPiss]

I'm 47, married to DH for 22 years. 2dc 18 and 15, eldest headed off to uni, good stable corporate job. Life is successful in many ways

But I'm in the midst of a mid life something, crisis sounds too much but a mid life uncertainty at least. I'm worried I'm no longer in love with DH. Nothing has gone wrong but I'm (god, it sounds awful to write) indifferent to spending time with him. Our lives, like almost everyones have been pretty busy for the last 20 years, constant change and effort of first homes, babies, young kids, primary school, high school, exams, careers, job changes. Wonder if I'm only now in the last few years as life has become slower realising the life without the distractions isn't enough. I don't know what is enough, I have no hankering to sell up and buy a flat in a big city, or quit the job and become something more exciting. I think the most unsettling thing is I'm aware of the discontentment but no idea what exactly I'm discontented about or what something different would look like.

Ugh, mid life crisis. Such a cliché.....

Has anyone else had this, I get the feeling it's a normal thing, how did you get through it.

Peri menopause?
Wanting to throw everything out the window was one of my symptoms.
I am back to feeling content and calm again with some HRT.

Agree with above. I had rages and found most men completely infuriating and incompetent. I am much calmer with (most of) them now on HRT.

I get you !! Unsettled feeling . I did therapy to help understand these feelings , v v helpful

I'm on HRT. Been on it for 2 years. Made lots of improvements

I'm hoping it's the challenge of being in this limbo period of not having as busy lives centred on the kids as much, but at the same time not having kids that are independent enough yet to allow DH and I to have spontaneous, interesting lives. But then I wonder if that just clutching at straws, convincing myself that DD will be 18 in another 3 years and then it'll be fine.

This isn't a rage fuelled thing, I'm not in anyway angry, if anything I'm emotionally beige. Life just feels a bit boring and lacking in anything exciting and fulfilling, and it feels like it's been getting that way for a long time, just as the busyness of life has eased up, it's becoming more apparent

It's a period of major change - you're on your way to an empty nest.

Slow down and give yourself time and space. Therapy can help.

It's ok to have a midlife crisis, just don't do anything foolish!

I could have written what you said about boredom . Try new challenges oit of the home , push yourself to try new things and do something new

Agree that therapy could help. This is a major life transition (I am at the same stage) and it can be great to have some space to think things through and explore how you are feeling

Indifference is very telling. Investigate that. Hope you feel better soon

Buy a fast car?

Seriously, just relax into your new life stage. And don’t make any rash decisions!

With age I am finding life is just boring and unfullfilling and men by and large get a much easier deal in life.

When you're young, you have so many hopes and dreams and expectations but it turns out life is pretty dull and you are not special.

For me, the key has been to find a passion and invest in friendships. My children are younger than yours but I still need an outlet. I have restarted a hobby I did in my 20s and have made a conscious effort with friends. It has improved things for me, a lot.

I'm 10 years older than you but could have written this.
Life got beige. Poor dh was either irritating or just boring . Me too, probably! HRT helped with the urge to strangle him for breathing but wasn't/isn't a magic bullet.
However I'm neither financially independent and taking off for adventures, nor daft enough to throw away a decent enough marriage... so decided to find new things to make life a bit more interesting.
I took up a sport... walked into a club and found both (to my amazement, having been crap at sports) something I really enjoyed, and now play a couple of times a week. Realised my part time job ...part time because I'm a carer... no longer brought me any joy, so left and have started my own small business. It's just pocket money really but working for myself makes me go YEAH!!!
I also got an allotment...I enjoy the planting and digging and dh enjoys constructing stuff for me so we actually do that together.
DH and me are still co parenting our DS2 ( adult with special needs) and we still aren't exciting together, but we are both doing some separate hobbies and at least we have something to talk about :)

It's all about finding different things to make the future not boring.

Peri menopause. I spent about five years desperate to escape my life and fantasising about divorce. Went on hrt and things did calm down.

I get this. I also (perhaps unreasonably) hate that the solution seems to be chemical intervention in the form of hrt.

To add to all of the above, it can also help to reconnect with dh. Mundane day to day life is boring and a total passion killer. Go away together for a few days, explore somewhere new and rekindle the spark.

This. It sounds like you’ve neglected your relationship over the child rearing years.

Now that I have time and im not 'needed' as much to organise family life, I feel a little lost, that there should be something else. Told my DH how I was feeling and he was 100%supportive in me changing what I do, take time out just for myself etc . The issue....i have absolutely NO idea what i want to do, what i can do to make myself feel little more 'whole'.
I NEED to make some changes, i want to MAKE changes but I have no idea WHAT they are!

Mama2many73... I was exactly the same. Spent the last 25 years raising 4 kids, battling for the one with disabilities, and then also caring for my two (fab) grandchildren. ALL I've done with my adult life is look after other people, and done 'little' jobs to work around them even though I'm decently educated and I think, reasonably intelligent.
I wanted to make changes but the reality is,a big change, retraining iin something etc just couldn't fit round my ongoing caring responsibilities (plus my Mum is starting to be a worry as well!)
Look what fills your day. Job? Do you still like it? If not... figure out what else you could possibly do. I took a leap in doing something completely different that fits around my life. Not a good earner but flexible.
Hobbies? What did you enjoy before life got in the way? Cooking? Animals? Sport? Go out and have taster days at lots of things. I started Taekwondo at 45..black belt by 50. Gave that up (due to injury) and at 58 took up squash.. it's given me new friends, a new focus and exercise that I actually like.

I'm not a sociable or brave person so going to new places and walking into the Taekwondo club, then squash club was scary. But worth it.
I also put my name down for an allotment... I'm on my 3rd year now with it and the mental head space it gives me is so so good. They aren't huge changes but they have changed me.

I'm also a LOT more selfish. I've put everyone else first for 30 years... now it's MY turn!!

Your feelings are normal. The empty nest nerves, peri menopause, restarting life.
The fear. It will pass.
I hope your marriage survives the change. You have done the hard part.

You're being very hard on yourself. One of your children has just become an adult and the other one is hurtling towards that stage. That signals an absolutely massive change in your life. For the last 18 years you've been mum, involved in your child's life, and now they're about to head off into the world. Of course you feel weird and unsettled, who wouldn't?

As for DH, it sounds like you've lost touch with each other. I wouldn't necessarily panic about that - in a long marriage you have to get to know your partner over and over as you go through different stages. All going well you'll fall in love with him again, if you give it a chance. If that doesn't happen, you can decide what to do then.

The next stage of your life won't just turn up, fully formed. You have to create it, which involves some hard work but is also exciting. Let yourself come to terms with the changes and give yourself a break, then get busy figuring out what comes next. All going well you have at least 20 more years to do lots of stuff, who knows what might happen?