DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

[IcyPortal]

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

Obviously YANBU but I would tell him you've invited your ex and see what he says. Have her there but make it very clear how out of order he was and that this never happens again.

Well obviously he is doing all the hosting..step back and enjoy the day with your dc. Even if that means you go out with them..visit a friend or family
1st Jan I'd be reconsidering my future...

You're being totally unreasonable doing all the work for the day especially when you're working Christmas eve. Your dp can take half the load. And get his ex to bring the wine and siblings to bring pudding and starters. Don't be a doormat. He should have asked you first definitely but make the best of it now. Or take your kids out for the day and leave them to it.

Just to give another perspective - I’m single and my exh has remarried but we always spend Christmas altogether at his mums house (we take it in turns who has them Christmas Eve). I think it was a bit awkward for both me and his new wife at first but now we get on really well and it’s not a big deal.

We’ve been doing this since we got divorced 12 years ago and I can’t really see it changing . When I was in a relationship he came too.

But yes, he should have spoken to you about it.

We had the same situation in reverse a few years ago. My bloke’s ex was going to be alone because their adult kids were coming to us so their eldest asked if she could come too. He said no, I said yes. She came and it was fine. He should have asked you first though.

I like this answer! Yes go out with your girls and leave him to shop and cook for his guests.

He should definitely have discussed it with you but, I agree with your sister, you just crack on now. If there is no bad feelings between both of you, then sounds fine. I dont understand why you're against having her for the whole dinner?

DH and I often have my exH for meals and parties, including Christmas.

I would read your DH the riot act about needing to discuss things with you first though.

I don’t curse much but fuuuuuuccccckkkk!!! You poor thing- hoping she’s a very chilled lovely cool person

You’re not married and he still thinks of his ex as family. Sorry OP but this man is not committed to you

You sound very reasonable. SIL (who I like) invited herself to ours for Christmas a week before before Christmas when I was already poorly and feeling overwhelmed, I was furious with DH that he didn't understand why I was upset. I think it's normal to want to be consulted about the guest list when you're doing all the work.

I would start getting him to do Christmas related tasks now though so he at least ends up doing most of the work (think of yourself as his manager, you plan the work, but he has to do it). Then he might understand why it's a problem.

I agree with your sister - your DP should have asked you first, but now it's done I think it would be very nice of you to be gracious about it. She'd be on her own otherwise and the DC are excited to have her there. Make sure your DP pulls his weight with the cooking and clearing up!

Well obviously, yanbu reasonable.

But how LOVELY of him to do EVERYTHING for Christmas - not just on the day, but all the mental load beforehand - the prep, the shopping, the menu planning, the gift buying and wrapping, absolutely everything to ensure that everyone has a fabulous Christmas day in your home.

I'd be fuming too op, but deffo use this against him as a lesson in 'you made this decision without consulting me, you've now volunteered to take on the entire task'.

Finishing work late on Christmas Eve and my DP apparently doing fuck all to contribute is what would piss me off more.

I'd be telling him that he really needs to step up and do the heavy lifting this year. Plenty of time to tell him that and he can practice cooking a roast/Google what he needs to learn/etc between now and then.

Get plenty of wine in and enjoy drinking with your sister while DP is doing the work. If he's organised enough to plan the guest list, he's organised enough to be the main cook for a change. And you practise your "you just tell me what you want doing love and I'll help" support act.

So invite your ex for dinner. "For the children". Shouldn't be a problem, should it?

I wonder if your reaction is coloured by the fact that all the responsibility of Christmas falls to you?

I would accept that she’s coming, but - particularly given your work pattern - make it clear that your DP needs to pull his weight to ensure things are ready and as they should be. Delegate the jobs early doors- all the kids can help peeling veg on Christmas Eve, decorating, making sure there’s ice. And DP is in charge of present wrapping, cleaning, and making sure all the food and drink is bought or being brought by guests.

To be clear this should be every year, he is massively taking the piss just saying he doesn’t think ahead. He can start thinking ahead now and take some of the load off you.

Make life easier for yourself - ask her to do dessert.

1. Tell him your ex is coming too, since we’re all playing happy families. You didn’t ask him first because apparently that’s not what we do now.
2. Put him to work on the planning, then with the cooking etc on the day.
3. Allocate everyone a dish to bring to ease the load.

The problem here is that he’s thought of her before he thought of you. She is the ex, you are the current, but he thought of what would be good for her and arranged it before thinking of why would be good for you.

If you all get on reasonably well as you say, then I wouldn’t force her to be uninvited. But I would want to have a serious and frank discussion about how you and DP can communicate better, how you can better manage situations like this, how you can make each other the first person to consider.

I'd be reconsidering it now and saving a few £s on food and presents. Fuck spending Christmas or any day with someone this clueless

Regardless of whether it was the ex-wife or your next door neighbour, he should have run it by you first.

Tell him you’d be more than happy for him and their kids to have Christmas dinner at her place
unless of course you genuinely get on well with her and would have invited her to your house yourself

He should’ve asked you first but I think yabu to have said no, unless there’s a back story that you hate each other.
yabu doing all the hard work. Give your dh a list well in advance of what he’s responsible for.

So you’ve been together for only three years, both have your own children, and are already intertwining Christmas with extended families ( and that was before ex-w situation)? IMHO that’s all been really quick, so hell yeah, add the ex in too.

I dont have any bad feelings towards her at all, honestly. If he’d asked me first and explained the situation I probably would have been fine with it. It’s more that he’s just decided and told me afterwards, then when I’ve said I wasnt happy about not being asked he’s called me petty.