To have gone off a friendship

[CoraLdn]

I have a “mum” friend, let’s call her Laura, who I thought was becoming a “real” friend. Our families even went on a holiday together - our girls are friends and wanted to go to a specific place where their school trips also happen. The girls are friends with a third girl and the third girl’s mum has just told me that she’s going there with Laura and her family for half term. AIBU to think it’s off that Laura wouldn’t have mentioned this to me? She does things like this sometimes and when I ask, she just rolls her eyes and makes me feel like I’m totally unreasonable. I know my DD will be feeling left out, she thought the holiday was special.

I also invite her DD over a lot for play dates and sleepovers, but that’s never reciprocated (literally - never happened), but always gratefully received.

I guess she thinks we are just casual friends and I need to treat it as such, do you agree? The only thing is I genuinely don’t feel like meeting up with her after all this. I have plenty of friends and would rather spend time with them tbh. I dont want my DD suffer because of it though!

please someone give me an honest view.

Wdym?

Your friend is going away with another friend and her child, to somewhere you and your child went with her?

If that is right then I don't see the issue.
She's just going away with a different friend. You can have other friends.

This happens an awful lot I’m afraid - with three DCs who are older now I can’t count how many times I found myself in this situation but sadly never handled it correctly - future me would have said - keep breezy don’t acknowledge it because it won’t change it but make you the centre of any story - just proactively make other play dates and friendships and move on even if it hurts which it rightly will - nothing will come
of you addressing it other than you appearing clingy ( which you clearly are not just a human being)

Appreciate the understanding. Great advice and I think you’re totally right. Thank you!

I think it’s a bit odd. I know the advice it is ‘you can only control what you do/feel’ but sometimes other people are just really insensitive as there is a little confused daughter here.
The key is in your own words - you have other friends. Cultivate those friendships.
I am probably old enough to be your mum and used to get upset and think about the one person who had upset me, rather than other friends I actually preferred.
I would say nothing but I would stop being so accommodating. Your DD will follow your lead.

It sounds like she sees you as a friend but has other friends and is allowed to go away with them too! Do you feel the need to tell her when you do something with other friends? She's not under any obligation to tell you everything she's doing 🤷‍♀️

I’ve read your OP 3 times and either I’m misunderstanding something or I just don’t see an issue? Unsure which tbh.
So had you & DD already made plans with Laura and her DD, to go to this place and then Laura just covertly did it with the other mum & girl? Or was it just something your DD & Laura’s DD had expressed an interest in doing?

Can you explain how your daughter was left out as im not quite getting it, sorry.
Your daughter and her daughter go on holidays without the 3rd girl.
Her daughter is now going on holiday with the 3rd girl.
Ive read it as you are interpreting this as your DD being left out - but by that logic, isnt the 3rd girl being left out when the other two go away? Sorry if i've misunderstood what you are saying here.

Do you see her without the children? I became friends with a woman because our boys were inseparable. But then after a couple years they had a falling out and the friendship ended. But me and this woman remained friends - and now our kids are post uni age still are!
I think if you removed your respective children from the dynamic and you still have a good time seeing each other you are real friends. This does not seem to be the case here.

Ok, I think this is quite a marmite situation! I can see that some of you have understood my point and for some it’s ridiculous.

I just thought that we would build on our friendship as the kids would love to go again together - if I were going away with a family Laura knew and liked, I’d simply just invite her along. Maybe that’s just me!

I’ll just keep my mouth shut and carry on as we were -ish. Was curious what the feedback would be and it’s helped me - thanks.

Of course she isn’t. But yeah, if I plan doing something with people she also knows/ likes, especially if it’s one of the kids’ close group, I do drop her a line. Not out of obligation, just feels more fun and why wouldn’t I.

Neither of us was close with the third girl’s parents, and the third girl used to holiday with another “group”.

I think yabu to think Laura’s family shouldn’t go away with another family. No one’s been left out.

if you want to step back from friendship with this mum then that’s fair enough. I know
some people can’t invite children over for play dates for various reasons but if you can’t see what it is and thought you were all friends then honestly it would annoy me a bit too.

Why aren't they allowed to go to the same place? Im confused

Friends are allowed to have other friends, they’re allowed to get close to other people and go on holiday together. I don’t see what the issue is tbh. Sometimes we get left out; that’s part of life. Unless you were planning this holiday together and then she went and booked it with someone else?

I am struggling to understand this. It sounds like you are saying your friend and her DD are not allowed other friends? Or not allowed to holiday with other friends? Or have to inform you if they are doing things with other friends?

That makes you sound really controlling and possessive.

So am I.

Did you not go away with them solo as well? As in, without the other friend? But you don't want the other girl to get to experience it as well cause it was special to your daughter that they went together previously without her?

This is one of those situations where some people will feel very differently from others; and accepting that - while taking a step back emotionally- might be the best way to protect yourself from feeling hurt.

Your friend has done absolutely nothing wrong here in going on holiday with someone else. She is allowed to go on holiday with other people, and she really does not have to inform you of this - you are not her manager, you are not her mother, you are not her keeper. From her perspective, why on earth would she inform you? Should she inform everyone she is ever holidayed with of her plans each year? It makes no sense.

But then two things can be true at the same time. While she is in no way obligated to tell you about her plans, and it does not make her a worse friend for holidaying with someone else, the fact that you are feeling hurt is valid. Perhaps it might feel less painful if you accept that she's not in the wrong here but then nor are you.

In this scenario I'm probably more like your friend. Over the past few years we've holidayed with different people and it has genuinely never occurred to me that I should be inviting all of them along each time.

If someone has never once invited me or my child to their house even though they've been to mine multiple times I wouldn't be expecting them to invite me on holiday.
In fact I'd not even consider them a friend.
Do you and her meet at cafes/pubs/venues without the kids?

It doesn't really sound like any kind of relationship. I'd have stopped bothering once I realised the playdates were completely one sided.

I know, but the girls enjoy the sleepovers so much and even her DD asks me when she can come over next. I don’t want to take it away from them, hence I keep organising. It really isn’t much bother, just weird/ rude to be so one sided. I keep thinking maybe my DD is rude or something when she’s there? She’s not usually and I’d be shocked, but what else could it be and I can’t even ask as I would then cause this whole conversation to happen.

ok fair enough on the holiday - I am really not controlling and have plenty other friends so certainly don’t cling on to Laura like a weirdo. I rest my case, maybe I didn’t word it properly, I’m glad some of you understood my sensitive nature 😬

Thank you. I do get it as I'm very sensitive myself but you mustn't let that give you expectations on others that are unreasonable.

Forget their holiday. If you really were best mates maybe it would be upsetting. But you'd have to swallow that disappointment as we know we choose to go on holiday with who we want and you can't be part of everyone's plans. But you aren't even besties. It's ok to have feelings but she really is just your daughter's friends mum.

Go on a holiday with DD and a closer friend or family member.

I think your reaction to this is a little bit OTT @CoraLdn unless I’m missing something. Maybe it’s the other family who planned it and they’ve invited Laura? You don’t always all have to do things together to still be friends. Had you suggested going there with her, tried to make that plan?

It is weird she never reciprocates play dates though. Do you ever get the feeling you’re more in to the friendship with her than she is; does she see it more as just facilitating the kids? Is she especially close to this other mum?

It’s hard work making friends when we’re older and I think kids can blur lines! Take a step back if you want, see how long it takes her to reach out.

One time I went to an event with a friend (in my head, best friend, like saw each other two/three times a week, always texting etc) and we got there and she said omg it's so much better than I thought it was going to be, I am going to have to come back with some other people. I was thinking, ok.... but you're here with me, isn't that good enough? It's like that saying don't make someone your priority when you are just an option. Not saying it's the case for you but it just reminded me of that.

But why does that matter?
Do you think once someone becomes good friends with someone they then need to invite them to everything, because thats not true at all?

I think you sound a little bit possessive over friendships.