Ds getting alot of attention on social media

[kitchentilesonthefloor]

IToday i’ve realised how much my ds actually posts on social media. I knew he had TikTok and Instagram but not to this extent. I thought he mostly watched videos and followed bands etc but he’s got about 1.5k followers on TikTok and 53k likes altogether. He’s mostly showing his outfits, lip syncing to music and talking about bands he likes. Some of them are quite niche and he gets really into them. There’s pictures of himself too and the odd video talking about how he’s feeling. I just didn’t realise how much he was putting out there.

He’s 14, autistic and has quite significant mental health issues. He’s had a difficult couple of years and barely goes to school now. Last year they were fairly lax about his dyed hair and piercings because he was in the hub for most of the day anyway, it’s a room for the autistic children away from the other pupils. He’s got quite a few piercings already and is constantly begging me for more. The school have now changed their stance and said if they allow it for him they’d have to allow it for everyone, so he’s stopped attending altogether. It’s all got very difficult tbh.

He dresses emo/scene and it’s very much his thing. I’m not against how he looks and he’s openly bisexual on TikTok which isn’t an issue in our house. He doesn’t really have any friends in real life which I do worry about, although he’d probably tell you he doesn’t need any. Social media seems to be where he gets most of his interaction with people.

Some of the comments are a bit concerning. Some people take the piss out of him or call him weird and he’ll argue back for ages instead of just ignoring them. Then there are accounts that look like teenage girls flirting with him, calling him cute and tagging their friends under his pictures. One seems to comment on quite a lot of his stuff. I don’t know these girls or whether they’re actually who they say they are.

He does have an online friend who’s a girl and she’s 16. I’ve actually met her as they went to a small gig together and she seemed perfectly nice, also very scene and they have similar music tastes. So I know not every online friendship is dodgy and I’m not against him having friends online. They get on well and she seems to understand him. It’s the other accounts I don’t know what to make of.

I don’t want to ban everything just because I’m worried, as social media is one of the few places he seems confident and he does get a lot out of the music side of it. With him not really going to school or having friends outside the internet I worry taking it away would leave him even more isolated. But equally he’s not great at judging people’s intentions sometimes and can be very trusting if someone seems to like him. He gets defensive if I question anything and says I’m treating him like a little kid.

I just don’t know if I’m being too relaxed about the attention he’s getting, especially with his mental health being how it is. I knew he had social media, I just didn’t realise how public it all was or how many people were interacting with him.

Yes, I would be very concerned about this as he sounds pretty vulnerable. I think you need to instil some boundaries around this now - eg removing his phone at night, as he sounds like he is going down a rabbit hole. I wouldn’t lecture him, and emphasise that you’re coming from a place of love and concern for his wellbeing. Watch some of his posts together and discuss them with him from a non-judgemental perspective so he lets you into his world.

I would be very concerned about exploitation and also the toll the comments may take on his already fragile mental health. Focus on real world - trying to get him back into school, his friendship with the girl etc. And make sure you have as much parental presence as possible in his life. He is very young and you seem a little disconnected and laissez faire - I know it’s easier to hope for the best but you can’t afford to with a child who is already showing signs of being vulnerable and naive with poor mental health.

You are being far too relaxed. What parental controls do you have on his phone? It’s really alarming that you don’t know what social media he is accessing or the fact that he is creating content on a public platform (as a child).

I would cut the internet. Or only allow it under close supervision.

Autistic teenager? Not attending school? You have no clue what he does online? Significant mental health issues?

It's a very dangerous situation for your son and it won't bring him to any good place in life.

Can I ask what the plan is around his education?

You seem to have accepted that his piercings and hair having meant he won’t go to school, so what’s the plan for his future?

I really do understand the difficulty and wanting him to find “his people”, but that’s not healthy when they’re all online. As his mother, I see it as your job to be guidance him, and that doesn’t mean going along with whatever he wants.

He deserves a future so I think you should fight for that. Sitting on his phone all day posting on social media isn’t healthy at all and I’m concerned about his future.

I have a 16yo who is autistic as well as other disabilities. I was more lax with her about social media use due to her circumstances However I absolutely didnt let her post herself or any information about herself online (she has an art account with 12k followers) and if there had ever been an inappropriate comment her comments would have been turned off.

Im not so sure that allowing a 14yo to meet a 16yo he met online was a wise choice, especially as he is autistic, he needs you to be even more careful and show him right from wrong.

Is his internet use limited at least.

Youre going to have to make some tough decisions and stick to them op. He needs guidance.

There are no doubt benefits to his mental health. Autistic kids, especially boys, can find socialising in real life hard, as you no doubt know. That he is finding connections and like-minded people online is probably good for him. That said, he is only 14 and I would be worried about predators etc.

I wouldn’t cut it off for him. But I’d be having lots of conversations with him about safety. That there are predators out there who present themselves as children in order to target vulnerable young people. Make sure that he never ever is sending sexual photographs to anyone and talk to him about the extortion and blackmail that can go along with doing so.

Tell him that if he meets up with any new online friends he should talk to you about it first and insist that those first meetings happen at your home when you are there. Keep the dialogue open and let him know you will be keeping an eye on his activity.

I’ve not accepted that he’s not going due to not being allowed his piercings and dyed hair (his hair probably isn’t an issue right now as it’s a natural colour but the piercings are) but he hates, hates, hates school as it is, even in the ‘hub’ he hates it but the fact he was allowed to have his piercings last year and now isn’t this year he finds it stupid and I have explained to him there’s rules in certain work places etc and school and he has to follow them but he basically said there’s few jobs that wouldn’t allow him to be himself and they’re not jobs he wants anyway. I am trying to get him to go to school. He went 3 days last week, one of those days I had to pick him up early but the other 2 he stayed the whole days but those days still weren’t good days for him because of other students, he mentioned a boy pulled a face at him and called him a freak when he was coming out the toilets but he doesn’t know who the boy was, or he does but isn’t saying for whatever reason. He went monday but hasn’t gone the past 2 days. I’m not just giving up but he is miserable at school and they aren’t very supportive as like I said they’re more focused on the no piercings rule despite allowing it last year. if they weren’t this year, i don’t think they should’ve last year as it’s just sent mixed messages

I think you're right to be concerned, however perhaps social media has allowed him to find friends into the same things as him.

Have you spoken to him about online safety and only revealing what you would want anyone to see, remembering once something is posted it can't really be deleted etc? How does he feel about the mean / troll posts?

On the other matter... If he hates school so much what can you do about it?

If he's unable to attend perhaps you need to look at another setting ASAP. Does he have an EHCP?

Online school?

Thabk you, I do think a lot of DS’s struggles with finding friends irl is no one in his year are into the same music as him, some artists are quite niche but they have extremely different tastes, and then in the hub with other autistic children they have different needs to him, they’re a mix of ages and some are higher needs with TAs so I think he just doesn’t know where he fits, he said school makes him feel too autistic for actual classes but not autistic enough when he’s in the hub

It sounds like he might be at the wrong school; is moving him a possibility? Does he have an EHCP? In any case, if he’s been out of school for 15 days the LA must provide suitable alternative provision - I’d advise looking into this. My autistic DC was in this position and managed to re-engage with school as a result. IPSEA has useful info: https://www.ipsea.org.uk/faqs/what-support-should-the-la-give-me-if-my-child-is-out-of-school-for-any-other-reason

Also completely agree with PP that he needs FAR more online supervision than he’s currently getting.

I think you need to back the school wrt piercings and he takes them out in school hours.

As far s the internet stuff is concerned, I’d go in hard. Restrict use, put in boundaries. He’s too vulnerable for all this.

You have a 14 yo and haven't been on top of how he's managing his social media. Add in autism and associated MH issues and I would say you have been far too relaxed.
Given the fact that no schools allow multiple piercings, and many aren't allowed as minors without parental consent, how did he get them?

How have you been lax in your parenting that you've only just realised how significant his online presence is?!

Lax and/or relaxed doesn’t even begin to cover it. Downright negligent in my opinion.