AIBU to think my stepdaughter’s mum is stepping away from her responsibilities?

[islifemorethanmum]

My partner’s 15-year-old daughter moved in with us during the week after spending around two years out of mainstream education while living with her mum.
She now attends school locally and lives with us Monday to Friday, returning to her mum at weekends and during school holidays. We also have a young child together.

Recently, a dental appointment revealed longstanding issues with her teeth that hadn’t been addressed, which has raised concerns about the care she’d previously received.

We’ve now been told her mum is moving from a two-bedroom house into a more expensive one-bedroom apartment, despite having a teenage daughter who still stays with her. To add to this, her mum now wants her to spend even more time with us.

We’re already providing the majority of her day-to-day care, schooling, meals and general support. Her mum still receives child benefit, and maintenance payments haven’t always been consistent.
I completely understand that circumstances change, but I can’t help feeling that her mum is gradually stepping back from her parental responsibilities while we’re expected to pick up more and more.
This isn’t about not wanting my stepdaughter here. It’s about questioning whether it’s reasonable for one parent to keep reducing their involvement.

As a mother I cannot fathom not doing anything and everything I possibly can for my child. I would go through fire and back if it meant supporting and protecting them.

Yes, the mum is stepping back and hasn’t been very responsible. Much more often, it’s the dad who does this, but not in your case. It must suck for DSD and I hope her dad can provide stability with your support now.

And your DH should get CB switched to him as he is now the RP.

You cannot do anything about it so tell your partner to apply for the child benefit

One parent reducing their involvement must be 50% of threads on here. Usually men though. How many nights a month did mum have her daughter until she moved in with you?

It very much sounds like it. Your stepdaughter is lucky to have you

No, it's not "reasonable" but she is doing it. It's not uncommon for a parent to not wish to take a very active role in parenting or make lifestyle choices that don't prioritise a child, it's just much rarer for a mother, than a father

So it's really irrelevant about whether is reasonable.

The only important thing is how you can best support your stepdaughter who will presumably be well aware that her mother has little interest in her. Is she getting any counselling or support? How is her mood and mental health? Has she caught up at school, made friends, got some ideas about what to do after GCSES?

Have you taken advice on whether the maintenance levels are appropriate and having the child benefit transferred to your family as the resident parent? I believe you can log a claim for it.

Yanbu. As dsd is with you most of the time get child benefit transferred to yourself. You might need to go through official channels for maintenance. So glad you able to offer dsd a more stable room

How many years did your husband spend just having his daughter on weekends? Why was that ok?

I feel really sorry for the girl here. Neither of her parents seem to be very good. Having her mother pull away from her like this could be damaging, especially if shes now losing a bedroom at her mum's. I hope your husband will put the effort in to support her. Could he speak to the school about the situation, they may be able to offer support.

What was the custody split before she lived with you?

I don’t agree with her moving to a one bed flat that’s more expensive as there seems to be no good reason other than to make things more difficult for her daughter to be there, but did she raise her child for the majority of her and now she feels it’s the dads turn?

When she stayed with her mum was she spending every weekend and school holidays at her dads?

I agree with the poster above I feel sorry for the kid and I wonder if her issues that kept her out of mainstream school, was a result of not feeling she was wanted anywhere.

after spending around two years out of mainstream education while living with her mum
where was dad?

Recently, a dental appointment revealed longstanding issues with her teeth that hadn’t been addressed
where was dad?

which has raised concerns about the care she’d previously received.
where was dad?

As a mother I cannot fathom not doing anything and everything I possibly can for my child. I would go through fire and back if it meant supporting and protecting them.

A father should equally be expected to go through to fire to support his child. When she was staying at her mums and clearly in a bad way since she was attending school how did he try and help?

Her father knew nothing of her dental issues so which parent had stepped away fron responsibilities?

Yes, of course that's what mum's doing, but it was OK when Dad did it, maybe mum thinks it's her turn.

Poor child should be the only concern really. You're not going to change mum.

So, she's been doing the lionshare until recently - & your partner has only just recently been stepping up? There's always two sides.....

Sounds like she is being a typical father. Makes a change.

Shame about the dental issues and poor schooling.

Though one does have to question what the actual father was doing while this all went on as well anyway.

Did DP just assume ex was taking DSD to the dentist? Perhaps she just assumed he was - they’re both responsible for it.

I’d be more concerned about her not going to school as there’s obviously difficulties there, is she going now?

Sounds like DP is a bit late to step up but better late than never.

YANBU to come to the conclusion that she is stepping away from her responsibilities but YABU not to acknowledge your DP did exactly that for years.

How do you know the one-bed is indeed more expensive? Could it be that she's struggling financially so having to downsize?
How was the housing sorted re the split between the parents?

Mum did the first 15 years. It’s dad’s turn now! Only 14 and a few months to go …..

Did dad do 50/50 before now ?

I think a lot of women only get together with men who already have children because they assume mum will have the children most of the time. Good for mum getting some time to herself for once. What makes you think she doesn’t love her just as much as her dad loves her ?

The dentist doesnt seem the root of the issue here OP to be frank. There seems to be a few similar threads like this at the moment. At 15..... it sounds like DSD mother has had enough and men do it so.......

Why wasn't her father asking his DD about dentist appointments? Did he just assume the mum had sorted it?

Yes quite, and the schooling issues and what else? No wonder mum is burnt out.

Sorry but I am going to bite here. I dont know if the steps mums realise how situations look when they write about their DC. The mum maybe fed up having done the majority of parenting.

OP states she has a young child so respectfully I think she doesnt understand that when kids get to 10+ years it's really challenging and dads DO need to pull their weight. All of a sudden OPs complaint is that she has a young child herself. Also the lack of dental care what a shame its taken this situation for dad to organise a dental appointment.

What about DSD well being here?

I love my child dearly but I do wish some days I could just drop my DC at his father's house so he knows what its actually like to parent and how hard I work. Imagine just doing EOW and thinking you are father of the year.

@Pinadaqx2 I'd be interested to know how the mum of the young lady was in a two-bed (was it jointly owned?) but why she is now moving to a one-bed.

Possibly the landlord is taking the two bed rental back, rent hadn’t gone up for a while and now mum can only afford a 1 bed and has to pay more for that than she did for the 2 bed.

Why wasn't her dad involved in her schooling and dental care up to now anyway? Sounds like he was happy to leave the responsibility for his daughter's care up to her mum until now, and now the mum has decided it's his turn. Hopefully he'll do a better job going forward.