AIBU to stop 2yr from nights away

[WittyStork]

I feel that I’m not BU here obviously but it’s a tricky situation.
2yr old likes spending overnights with her grandparents and due to distance it’s for 2 nights at a time only once every other month or so. Since the start the grandparents have refused to say goodbye to her because it makes them upset, instead they drop her off and sneak out as soon as she’s distracted.

Toddler finds this very upsetting as she doesn’t get closure and know where they’ve gone, queue lots of looking around asking where they are and we do explain to her that they had to go home but it just doesn’t click in her brain as they just disappeared that they’ve gone home. It takes another 2 days for her to get over this and clearly makes her anxious.

I have told them that they need to say goodbye even if it makes them uncomfortable to see her sad as it’s unfair for her to go through all the searching and anxiety.

I simply got a ‘no she’s too young to understand’ and ‘we don’t see her often enough for her to understand that we’ll see her soon’.

Grandparents are now asking about new dates to have them and that they wanted to take her to see Santa and I have said that we could all come down as a compromise as then as a family well say bye to grandparents house and town etc to offer closure. The response I got was essentially ‘no, never mind what we wanted to do is fully booked’.

Side note I did check and it’s still available for booking but I think I’ve really put them about the whole saying bye and if not we all need to come down. We have another baby and would have been staying in a hotel with no expectation of us being with them or interrupting grandparents time with 2yr.

So, am I being unreasonable and if so, what is a more reasonable option if they will not say goodbye to the toddler.

Omg that’s so cruel of them!!! Well done for putting your kids first

You'll just have to be firm and tell them you're not having them upset her like this. It's not fair and they are being selfish.

What strange people. They are treating her like a toy.

Thank you all! Felt like I was going mental for a bit 😅 there’s a lot of guilting in their part as they’re getting older and want to make memories with her which I get. I also get that it’s not nice seeing her sad but it’s normal for her to be upset that the visits over.

It’s not normal for her to be inconsolable and anxious after a visit. She’s not like that after a visit or an overnight with anyone else.

I’ve put my foot down and said they need to say goodbye or as a compromise the whole family will come down. If not then it’s not like we need the break from her, she’s a pretty perfectly behaved 2 year old. Just a shame for them and the toddler, she loves them dearly.

It’s not normally for adults to prioritise their own feelings over the upset of a small child. I wouldn’t trust them to look after her properly if I am honest.

I think shebis probaby ore upset they have gone than by them not saying goodbye. Why dont you go and pick her up from theirs if yu need her to have closure?

They say bye if they want to say hi.

They don’t get to cause your child anxiety because they feel like it.

Two nights away from parents is a lot for a 2 year old. I wouldn’t be up for this in the first place and especially if they then end that intense time period by sneaking off. How odd.

Adults should never ‘disappear’

Why are they so codependent that they feel sad? And to the point it affects the child in the room? it’s just plain weird. Do you all get along? Is it a poke at the relationship between you guys?

They are being bloody weird. I dont know any adult who sneaks out thats just creating a really anxious child.

Tell them to say goodbye like the grownups they are.

Its easily solved. I would shout everyone they leave.
Bye granny and grandad in a really.loud voice.

I’ve only left my little boy a handful of times but always tell him I’m going and do a proper goodbye. I’d rather he be upset for 5 minutes than having him looking round the house for me!

It sounds like they are toxic grandparents and also being petty claiming the Santa event is fully booked.
Saying goodbye is a normal part of life, whether is makes them upset or not is irrelevant. It's strange that they still refuse to after hearing how not saying goodbye affects the child.

They're prioritising their discomfort over your child's mental wellbeing, absolutely the f*ck not.

You are not being unreasonable. What is wrong with these people?! If they don’t understand or care about the upset caused I would stop the overnight stays. Your child, your rules.

How would they respond if you dropped her off and sneaked off without saying goodbye leaving them to deal with the aftermath?
Obviously, you wouldn’t do this, but I’d be inclined to threaten it and see their reaction.

Why not buy them a doll for Christmas?

Since the start the grandparents have refused to say goodbye to her because it makes them upset

So to them, their upset trumps that of their DGD?? Stuff that.

simply got a ‘no she’s too young to understand’ and ‘we don’t see her often enough for her to understand that we’ll see her soon’.

Exactly. She's too young to understand why they've just disappeared off the face of the earth.

Tell them they're the adults. They can get over their upset a damn sight faster than she can, and if they insist on being selfish and prioritising their feelings over hers then they can't see her alone to avoid her being upset.

They sound cruel, no way would i be leaving my child with them.

How odd, what else do they do? My 1yo understands goodbyes, why would they not believe she would.

Whose parents are they? Has your DH made you do this? I would not be happy being away from a 2 year old for 2 nights. Their way of sneaking out is frankly bizarre, given you have told them how it upsets her.

What is wrong with them?? Putting their mild sadness at leaving over the confused and frightened emotions of a small child!? Selfish pricks. I’m not sure I’d want my child around people so selfish and emotionally stunted.

Tell them openly why she won’t be staying. Have you always had to protect your parent’s feelings over everything else?

I would feel exactly the same as you! You need to video your daughter searching for them after they've left, and send it to them. If they still believe they are right, they are truly selfish people, putting their own feelings before their grandaughters, it honestly beggars belief!

So they dont actually care about upsetting her, as long as they dont have to see it?

That is fucked up.

This, what a pair of selfish, bizarre weirdos. Also, it’s so strange to me that they’d rather not see their granddaughter at all, than welcome the whole family?! Or y’know, just say goodbye?? Odd.
The more I think about this, the more upsetting I find it, how awful of them.

They sound absolutely mad. I would not have my two year old being looked after for forty eight hours by people whose decision making was so bad. No matter how much enjoyment my child got out of it.